Teaching Children Gratitude that They Might have Joy

Thanksgiving will soon be here.  Originally a day dedicated to giving thanks to God for the many things we often take for granted, it has morphed into a day of overeating, football games, and searching for sales.

                                                                                                                             

Many people of my generation think youth today suffer from "affluenza".  They decry the attitude of entitlement.  "I don't care how, I want it now!" as Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka continually screamed.  

It is easy for our children to get used to getting stuff without knowing or caring where it comes from or what it takes on the part of others for them to get it.  The problem with feelings of entitlement, besides being extremely annoying, is that our children end up being constantly disappointed and filled with depression and stress, because they can’t always get everything they want, now!

A thankful heart, on the other hand, is almost synonymous with happiness.  Our children have a better perspective on life, are more optimistic, and find joy in what they do have.  Their world fills with love, compassion, enthusiasm, and confidence—and their satisfaction with life soars.  They develop a healthy understanding of how interdependent we all are—and they may be more inclined to treat others with genuine respect.

However, children are by nature self-centered.  "Recognizing that someone has gone out of the way for you is not a natural behavior for children -- it's learned."

So How do we teach them?

Preschoolers:

1. Toddlers learn by imitation.  If you tell them thank you every time they give you something, or do something you ask them to do, pretty soon they will surprise you with a thank you when you give them something.  The meaning behind the words isn’t there yet, but the habit is being established.

     2. At dinner or at bedtime, let them tell you the three best things (or one, if that is all they can manage) about their day.

          3.  Start thank you notes.  They can just be a scribble or a picture (augmented with your interpretation, if desired), but grandparents will be happy to know your child realizes who gave them the gift.

Grade schoolers:

When your child reaches school, it is time to learn the feelings behind the rote expressions of thanks.  They are old enough to learn empathy and appreciation.

          1. Continue having your children send Thank you notes.  They should name the gift, tell why they like it, and how they are going to use it. 

    2. Good manners and gratitude merge.  Insist on politeness and respect all around.  Teach young children to say "thank you" as part of a full sentence, for example, "Thank you, Daddy, for making dinner." Encourage school-aged kids to say thank you throughout the day, especially when you help them get ready for school or drive them to activities. Have them thank coaches for practice and music teachers for lessons. 

3. This is a good time to help them do things for others.  It may be a “secret fairy” gift to a sibling (like making their bed), baking cookies for the neighbors, talking to a shy classmate.  Prepare and deliver a homemade "thank you" to your local fire or police department, or your pediatrician’s or dentist’s office.  This teaches them empathy and to think of others as well as themselves.  Children find great happiness in planning and doing something nice for someone else.  Our grandson Jayson, who was battling cancer, asked that instead of birthday presents for himself, he could give presents to the other children in the hospital who were also battling cancer.  His parents have continued that tradition since his passing.

 4. Point out the good things in a day (that means you have to notice them too) and express gratitude.  Institute formal expressions of thanksgiving.  Create a gratitude photo book or collage. Using a smart phone or plain old camera, or pictures from magazines, gather photos of the things you’re thankful for.  Or set out a gratitude jar and let family members deposit slips of paper with their thanks written on them.  Read them occasionally.  Give your children a gratitude journal and take time daily or weekly to write in it.  At dinner or bed time, let them describe the best part of their day.  One family had a rose that would pass between family members.  They would first describe the thorns in their day, and then the roses.

 5. It’s human nature to see the glass half-empty from time to time — and children are no exception. When kids complain or gripe, acknowledge their unhappiness, and then ask them to find the silver lining.  Play Pollyanna’s glad game.  Sometimes, it’s good to look back and note the positive results of disappointing days.  It’s called an “attitude of gratitude” for a reason — it’s about perspective more than circumstance.

     6. Likewise, come home and talk about the happy parts of your day, making a conscious choice not to complain.

      7. Tame the gimmes. It may seem counter-intuitive, but when our children are not happy with all they have and only want more, it may be time to give less.  Remember the “Little House on the Prairie” Christmas’, when Laura was ecstatic to get a piece of homemade candy and knit mittens?  People who have less are more grateful for what they have.  And they put more thought into what they request. 

     8. Having too many choices breeds unhappiness– you are always wondering if you could have something better. Monitor your children's media: Our children are bombarded with age-targeted marketing that they are too young to resist or understand. Media fuels materialism. It is our job to carefully monitor their media so that they aren't dragged into marketing and made to feel incomplete or unfulfilled. 

       9. Have ‘em pitch in when they want something.  If your kids get an allowance or earn money at a job, have them participate in buying some of the things they want. When kids themselves take the time to save up, they have an ownership stake in the purchase and gain an understanding of the value of a dollar by working toward what they want. It also teaches restraint and encourages kids to appreciate what they have, as well as giving them a more realistic perspective on what you and others do for them.

     10. Thank them.  I remember thinking, one time when my mother was scolding me for something I hadn’t done, “Why don’t you ever thank me for the things I do?”  I went through a list in my mind of all the things I had done that I’d never been thanked for. Can your children make a similar list?  One mom put her thanks on sticky notes and posted them wherever the good deed was done.  After awhile, other family members started doing the same.

      11. Thank those who serve. Your example of acknowledging those who quietly make a difference in your life, from the bus driver to the person sweeping up the aftermath of a family lunch out, sends a powerful message to your children

Teens 

The first thing to remember is that teenagers’ unique developmental task is to individuate: to break away from you, the parent who is looking for a little appreciation.

Every time teens take your advice—about how to be happier, or by following your instructions for practicing gratitude—they are setting themselves up to remain dependent on you and your great wisdom.  But their main goal as teens is to get you to recognize their wisdom, their independence.  Herein lies the problem.

Gratitude makes most of us happier because it is such a social emotion; it cultivates our sense that we are connected to each other.  And social connections—ties to friends and family and neighbors—are the very stuff of happiness.  But if you are a teenager trying to prove your independence, gratitude can make you feel more beholden to your parents, which doesn’t feel good.

By this time, kid need to learn how to “own” their gratitude. With their growing need for independence, they’ll enjoy showing their appreciation and making a difference on their own terms.

1. Let teens lead.  One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to practicing gratitude—and a gratitude practice is going to be a lot less effective if it is seen as a chore or an assignment.  So tell teens you want them to design a gratitude practice for your whole family this year.  “You are old enough: You design a new tradition for us!”  And by all means, let them take the credit, even if they come up with something you suggested weeks ago. 

2. Allow snarkiness, teasing, and humor in their expressions of gratitude.  You may receive sarcastic comments like, “Well, I’m grateful I don’t have any classes with her.”  Sometimes teen gratitude is, well, a little minimalist.

3. Use gratitude to cultivate the growth mindset in difficult times.  What did you learn from that terrible experience?  What good came out of it, despite the difficulty?  The aim is to get to something along the lines of, “Thank goodness that X happened, because otherwise I wouldn’t have had Y opportunity!”

4. Help them give credit to others.  Teens tend to take credit when things go good, blame others for bad times.  Point out how others helped them reach their successes and help them take responsibility for their failures.

5. Be persistent.  When teens feel authentic gratitude, it is a positive emotion for them just like for everyone else.  When they create a gratitude practice that works for them, feelings of gratitude will become habitual, hopefully built into their daily lives.  Even if they resist heartily at first—remember, that is their job as adolescents—I have heard many, many stories of gratitude resistors who blossom into appreciative young adults.

Vicki Hoefle, director of Parenting on Track, a parent-education program based in East Middlebury, VT (and the mother of five teenagers), concurs: "As nice as it is to think about having a five-year-old who appreciates and shows gratitude for everything, the truth is, parents can feel successful if they raise a thirty-five-year-old who embodies that grateful spirit."

I recently had a grown daughter express sincere thanks for some babysitting I had done.  It felt good.

More Than a Mother

I bore nine children.  We also had 2 foster children for four years each.  I was blessed to be able to stay home to raise them.  Being a mother was my life.  Everything I did revolved around my family.  I loved being a mother.  I found value in caring for my children.  I provided opportunities for them to grow.  I was a soccer mom, watched over piano practicing, worked in the PTA and put on plays and musicals with their 

fellow gifted children at school.  

I took my children to museums, on hikes, on field trips and to operas and plays.  I taught them to work, to cook, to sew.  We camped and visited the beach and the mountains. I provided the materials and space and time for them do art and craft projects.  We had family times, went to church together, played together.  

I had my children in the days when “zero population growth” was the cry, but I knew that my children would be an asset to the world, not a drain.  They would solve problems, not create them.  As a mother, I would help them become all they could be.

Then one night our oldest son, 16 years old, didn’t come home.  The next day we got a call from a policeman in a town far away.

Our son had run away.  In the course of the next few days, we found out he was using drugs.  We put him in a long-term family-intensive drug treatment program.  It took a long time, but eventually the glow came back to his countenance, and he was clean and happy.  He finished high school and went to college.  But slowly, over the next two years, he slipped back into the druggie life.  He struggled, the light in his eyes went out.  He hated his life, and again we got a visit from a policeman.  Our son had shot himself.

Among the many terrible repercussions of that act was one I didn’t expect.  I lost my identity.  

I had been a mother.  That was who I was.  Now I was a failure as a mother.  I had failed my son.  I felt I no longer had any worth.  I was obsessed with the “should’ve, would’ve, could’ves.”  Even though my four oldest children were doing well, the three youngest were struggling with the aftermath of their older brother’s suicide.  I no longer felt that I knew how to raise them.  I doubted every decision I made with my younger children.  What if I failed them too?  If I wasn’t a good mother, who was I?  I had to re-identify myself as a person.

A statement by Boyd K. Packer started my metamorphosis.  

He said “The measure of our success as parents…will not rest solely on how our children turn out.  That judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral environment, and that now is not possible.”  

Maybe I had been a good mother.  Maybe I could still be a good mother.  And maybe I could be more than a mother.

It took several years and a conscious effort, but I now see myself as a more complete person.  I am still a mother (and now a grandmother).  I have relearned to trust my inner voice.  But I am also a child of God, who loves me.  I am a wife to a wonderful husband who sustains me.  I am a daughter and sister.  I am a friend.  When my youngest entered college, I went to work at a university lab.  

I am a scientist.  I began writing.  I am a writer.  My husband and I went on a Humanitarian Mission to South America.  I am a missionary.  I am a woman of many facets, who is also a mother.  

I am me.

Who are you?