An Unexpected Way to Handle a Rebellious Teenager

Do you have a rebellious teenager?  Are you struggling with troubled youth?  Do you have a kid who makes her own destructive way through life, ignoring everything she’s been taught, refusing to abide by any rules, causing chaos in the lives she touches?  Maybe your child sneaks out at night, or doesn’t come home after a school activity, or lies about where they are.  Maybe you’ve gotten a call from a policeman concerning marijuana apparatus found in your child’s car, or their clothes are too low or too high or too tight or just not enough. 

Maybe your child yells and curses and breaks things and threatens you or their siblings.

If you have one (or more) of these children, how do you get them to change their negative behavior?  My response was to become stricter, give countless lectures, install severe consequences, confront, accuse, put down.  It seemed every word I said to them or about them was negative.  It didn’t work.

Can you really change someone else?  According to Michael J. Merchant, the President of Anasazi Foundation, a group that helps troubled youth, there is a way to get someone to change, but it might not be what you expect.

Our natural inclination when our child is making bad choices, he says, is to think we’ve got to keep the pressure up, we’ve got to stay in their face, we’ve got to make sure they see the bad things they are doing wrong.  That was me.  Our heart is at war with them.  And so we stay on them.  We think that if we don’t, we’re going to let them off the hook.

“Well,” says Merchant, “it’s just the opposite of what we think.  It’s actually…our pressure, our withholding our love that lets them off the hook, because then they can just blame us.  They can just say: “Well, my Mom doesn’t care about me anyway.  My dad’s just in my face all the time.  They never trust me.” 

I had a daughter tell me, when I accused her of something she hadn’t done: “If you don't trust me anyway, I might as well go ahead and do it.”

Our rebellious children need  this war of hearts.  It allows them to justify their choices.  They have to explain their choices away—they have to make it okay to make those kind of choices—choices that could be harmful to themselves or their family.  They have to justify it.

I remember when my son and his friends, who were doing drugs at the time, made up a God that wanted them to use drugs, so they’d be enlightened and happy.  They knew it wasn’t true, but it made them feel better about their drug use.

“Too often,” explains Merchant, “we give our little rebels the very justification they need to explain it away. …by us withholding our love, by us bringing to them a heart at war—we simply give them justification.  Then they can blame us.”  It’s the story they can tell themselves to make those kinds of harmful choices all okay, 

However, when we love them anyway, we allow them to stand before their own conscience in the face of someone who actually cares about them.  This love is the best chance that they’ll actually see their lives truthfully.  It’s the best chance they’ll ever change.

“No one can change until they become fully responsible for their life,” says Merchant.  “And no one can become fully responsible for their life when they’re just giving lots of justification.  The best chance somebody will become responsible for their life is in the face of someone who actually loves them and cares about them.”

I recently asked a daughter who had been defiant in her teens but is now a loving and admirable person, what we had done that had helped.  She mentioned a few things, but then said, “The thing that helped the most was that you kept loving me even when I acted out.  If you hadn’t, it might have ended very differently.”

This is where non-judging, non-lecturing, completely loving grandmothers can help.  By just loving them, we can be such a beneficial asset in helping these lost teens.

Of course, there still needs to be natural or logical consequences for their actions.  Without consequences, our teens feel no pressure to change.  On the other hand, if we only give tough love, with harsh consequences, they only obey when they are under our thumb.  They take no responsibility for their actions when we are not around.  But constant love, with natural or reasonable consequences, lets them see themselves as they are, without justification.

It's hard to maintain constant love and high expectations when your’re worried out of your mind or seething with anger.  Sometimes when you feel that way, even normal teen behavior can send you over the edge. You need something that will allow you to draw that deep breath to reassess how to best approach the situation.  You need to fall back in love.  You need a reset button, but perhaps your self-righteousness and your teen’s pride and sense of indignation may be getting in the way of starting over.  

Remember your feelings of overwhelming love the first time you held your baby?  The delighted smile of a toddler when he sees you after you’ve been gone?  The hero worship of your five-year-old?

Seeing the little boy inside of the uncontrollable young man may be just the ticket that will allow you to change the negative pattern of interactions between you that pushes you to your limits.   Prayer helps.  Looking for the good in them rekindles love.

Once we’ve relearned how to love, how do we let them know we love them, when they feel unlovable?  I remember once trying to hug my son, and he ran and hid from me.  What can we do?

We can verbalize it.  We can say I love you, but we can also express interest in them and what they care about, say a cheerful good morning, or great them when they return home with a loving welcome, or blow them a goodnight kiss at bedtime.  I knew a dad who would tell his son, "I love you more than you will ever know, so I'm going to check up on where you are tonight."  

Write a little note and leave it on their bed or slip it into their back pack.

We can demonstrate it.  Touch is powerful.  If they don’t allow hugs, touch their arm as you pass.  Try a back scratch when they’re working on the computer.  Stroke your daughter’s hair. 

 We can be kind, buy some little thing for them, text them something funny, do something that makes their life easier. 

We can do something fun together.  Once we took a daughter, who was at odds with us, white water rafting.  Yes, I did get bounced out of the raft--twice, but I don't think she did it.  It was a time to bond a little.

Of course, these expressions of love must be genuine, not manipulative.  Our children can tell.

“Blame them, struggle with them, have a heart at war towards them, withhold our love from them in an effort to get them to change, and we just give them justification to keep doing the things we don’t want them to do.  

Love them and we change their world,” adds Merchant.  “We give them somebody different to respond to.  There’s a thread tugging on their heart that someone actually cares about them and it makes it really hard for them to do those things they’re doing.  And if they’re doing those things, I want them to feel the full weight of the choices [they are making].”

Feeling loved is the only way they’ll feel that.

What do our Children Really Want to Do this Year? Goal Setting for Kids

In 1969 (I know, that was years before most of you were born.  It just shows my vast amount of experience), my New Year’s Resolutions included losing five pounds.  In 1979, it was losing 10 lbs.  1989 – 15 lbs.  1999 – 20 lbs. 

Do you see a pattern here?  So what makes me think that I can write about helping our children set goals?  Well, I’m good at reading and researching, plus I have all that vast experience of what doesn’t work to fall back on.

I read that the main reason we fail at meeting our goals is we don’t really want them.  They are more likely something we think we ought to do (lose weight), are expected to do (keep the house clean), or one that will make someone else happy (my mom wanted me to have perfectly coifed hair when I was lucky to not have bed head).  We don’t personally want to achieve these goals enough to pay the price.

    It follows that our children aren’t going to succeed at goals that we set for them.  You may want Johnny to read for half an hour a day.  

His own goal may be to not crack a book all year.  So how can we motivate Johnny, or Susie, or our own children?  Why do we even care?

Goals give children long-term vision and short-term motivation.  I have a grandson who was a poor student in Middle School.  His parents spent hours every night forcing him to do his homework.  It was agony for all.  Then tragedy struck.  His younger brother was found to have neuroblastoma, a cancer that proved to be fatal after a two-year battle. Between hospital stays, sanitizing the house, managing medications, his parents didn’t have time to do the homework battle every night.  My grandson, however, found a long-term vision.  He wanted to become a Navy Seal, like his dad had been.  But he wanted to go in as an officer.  Which meant that he needed to go to college.  Which meant that he needed to raise his grades.  Now he was motivated to do his own homework, because he had a goal.  He went to study groups after school, turned in his papers on time, and significantly raised his grades, all on his own. 

    Now a senior in high school, he plans to enter college in the fall.  Goal setting is a skill that will help your child in school, at home, with their friends, and all through life.  It’s a skill that helps them succeed.

    First, we need to model goal setting in our lives, and express them verbally.  A goal formula is: I will + what + when.  So if your sink is piled high with dishes (no surprise in my house), you can model the formula using goal language.  “I will wash dishes and be done in 20 minutes.”  Then when you are done, comment on it again, even if it’s “I didn’t quite get finished in 20 minutes, but they are done now.  I’ll be faster tomorrow.” 

    We can also involve children in day-to-day planning, from creating a shopping list to planning a family vacation.  We can also share our own dreams and wishes with them.  Studies find that kids are far more likely to adopt a new habit or skill if they see it in action instead of being lectured about it.

Kids are natural goal setters.  Remember when your baby was learning to crawl and tried to reach a toy beyond his fingertips.  She was determined to get it.  

    Think of a six-year-old plotting to get cookies from the top shelf.  It took planning and a lot of work.  They were both motivated.  Children must see the goal as being of value to them.

An easy way to start children setting goals is Three Stars and a Wish.  First have them list three things that they have accomplished and are proud of doing.  

   Then take time to discuss their dreams, wishes, or aspirations.  What are they concerned about?  Is there anything they are anxious about?  What were the biggest challenges they faced last year?  Listen to them and don’t be quick to offer solutions.  Pose questions for them to consider instead of stating the answers.

Then help them develop their dreams and wishes into goals.

1.      Make sure they are realistic.  If your allergic child wants a cat, if your son wants to play in the NBA and your family runs on the short side, or if your daughter wants to be the first astronaut to land on Saturn, you may need to have a reality check.
2.      Consider Pros and Cons.  As they think about the positive and negative sides, they can decide if the goal is worth the effort.
3.      Have them be specific.  Instead of “I want to do better in school,” try “I will raise my grade in English one step this semester.”  Rather than “I want a new bike,” use “I will buy the new red mountain bike at The Spoke Shop.”
4.      Break it down into baby steps.  Have them ask: What do I need to do?  Who can help me?  When can I do it?  If there is a report due in 3 weeks and the goal is to get at least a B, the steps could be: Week one, review all the requirements, do the research.  Week two, write the rough draft, make sure all the requirements are met.  Week three, write the final draft, polish, get parents to review, type it into the proper form, submit on time.
The more children can think through their goal and identify what they need to do to achieve success, the greater the chance they will triumph.
5.      Write down the goal and the steps, maybe on a poster board.  They can hang the chart in their room and check the steps off as they accomplish them.  There is a reason that fundraisers use a thermometer to chart money donated.  It helps to see where you are and what still needs to be done. 

      Younger children can use stickers or stars.  Tweens and teens can take a photo of their goal using their cell phone and keep it as a screen saver to remind them of their intention.      

    It is important to encourage your child to establish his own checkpoint system—weekly, monthly—they decide.  Do they want to mark it on a chart, review with you (or someone else), or log it into a Victory Log?  For kids to learn to set and meet their own goals, they need to develop systems that actually work for them.  Which means—DO NOT NAG.  These are their goals, not yours.  If you are in charge of making sure they reach their goals, they will not be self-motivated.  You can encourage, celebrate steps accomplished, revisit how your child feels about reaching the goal, helping them remember why all their efforts are worth it and give them confidence in their abilities.  Be proud of their efforts as well as their accomplishments.

6.      Celebrate goal success.  

    You might photograph your child achieving his goal.  There might be a special family dinner.  Do make sure that the reward doesn’t become the goal.  The promise of a new car for all A’s can lead to shortcuts, cheating, and other unacceptable behavior.  The true goal of learning is subverted.  Sometimes it need only be “I knew you could do it!  Congratulations!”  Sometimes the accomplishment itself is all the reward needed.

By teaching our children these valuable skills we are giving them the tools they will need to succeed and have confidence in all areas and stages of their lives including school, sports, relationships, career and financially.  And maybe if we use these skills, we can find success in our New Year’s Resolutions too.  I might even lose some weight this year.