The Sky is Falling, the Sky is Falling! Save the Kids!

https://www.afrc.af.mil/News/Art/igphoto/2000403174/  photo by Virin

The first earthquake I experienced was the Sylmar Earthquake in 1971 when I was a young mother and we had newly moved to California.  

U.S. Geological Survey, Desert Sun

I hadn’t even thought of planning for an earthquake, and I didn’t know what was happening as I awoke to a shaking bed.  Luckily, we were far enough away from the epicenter to not have any damage.  By the time the shaking stopped, we were in our three daughters’ bedroom.  They were sleeping in a triple bunk bed, and weren’t scared at all.  They just thought that one of the others was shaking the bed.

We just recently felt some shaking from the Ridgecrest earthquake, and it reminded me that children are very vulnerable during disasters, that seem to be  increasing in number, and we need to know how to help them cope.  Here in California there are threats of earthquakes and possible tsunamis, wildfires, floods, as well as house fires, power outages, chemical spills, terrorism or school shootings.  Other areas of the country face hurricanes, tornados, and horrific lightning and thunder storms that can scare children.

According to the National Disaster Report Card on Protecting Children in Disasters, 2014, less than half of American families have an emergency plan.  If unprepared, a small disaster can affect our children just as much as a larger disaster and cause more stress for children.  “Children affected by large-scale disasters are five times as likely to suffer from serious emotional issues… and these negative effects can linger well into their teen and adult years.”  https://www.savethechildren.org/content/dam/usa/reports/emergency-prep/GRGS-PARKS-REC-GUIDE.PDF  Save the Children  Protecting Children in Disasters

Being prepared to protect children can help preserve their sense of security, which is at the very essence of what it means to be a child.  So make a plan, maybe several plans.  One for earthquakes, one for fire, one for shootings, etc.  Teach them what to do.  The internet has many sources of material at child’s level of understanding.  Practice your plan regularly, so they will understand what is happening.  

Earthquake Practice  Photo by Sharon Brown

Practice is the best way to be sure the information sticks.  If the children are young, make it a game so they will be less scared and more willing to practice.  This will empower them and equip them with the tools they need to stay safe.  It helps them to feel that they are not just victims, but are active participants in their own safety.  It builds their natural resilience so they can bounce back more quickly.  Make sure your plan includes a strategy for reuniting after an emergency.  This relieves some of the uncertainty and stress during the disaster. 

Put together a family disaster kit.  Involve your kids in the planning and packing.  

abcactionnews.com

Have your kids help you remember expiration dates.  My son and his wife change their emergency food and water twice a year.  Their kids keep reminding them, because they get to eat all the granola bars, hard candy, and other goodies in their emergency packs.  They also change out their emergency clothes to their current sizes.

Immediately after the calamity, stay calm.  Those little observers pick up on our emotions and their reactions often depend on our own reactions.  If we are running around crying that the sky is falling, the kids will panic too.  If we deal with it calmly and confidently, that will affect our child’s ability to cope also.  It’s okay to acknowledge that things are tough right now, but things will work out and they will be safe.

As helpless as we feel in such dangerous situations, our children are likely to feel even more so.  Give them some control.  “According to the National Association for the Education of Young Children, adults need to give children power over at least a few daily choices so they have at least some control over their lives.  It can be as little as what game to play or song to sing next.  Any amount of control you can give them only adds to feelings of security.”

https://www.mother.ly/child/help-kids-cope-natural-disasters by Lacey Wulf

Keep your kids close.  According to the FEMA, young children feel most insecure about being left alone and getting separated from their family.  During and after the disaster, try to keep your children physically close to you.  

Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst Airman 1st Class Mayra Colon-Santiago, holds 10-month-old Eving Feneus

Hug them and verbally reassure them you’re all together and safe.  After the Northridge earthquake, our youngest daughters, 12 and 14, wanted to sleep in our bedroom, so we made them beds on the floor right next to our bed.

Be honest with your children in an age appropriate manner.  It helps them understand what is going on and to use whatever plan you’ve created.  My mother was a child during the 1933 Long Beach earthquake.  Her dad was listening to the radio broadcasting from the top of the LA city hall and describing how it was swaying.  There was tremendous static, which my mother thought was people screaming, and it terrified her.  The facts would have been calming to her.  Many experts recommend limiting media exposure to prevent further trauma.  Taking a break from watching the news can lessen their distress and anxiety.

Image by Vidmir Raic from Pixabay  

Let them express their feelings honestly.  Don’t pooh-pooh their fears in an effort to calm them.  Their feelings are just as valid as yours, and talking about them will help children heal after a crisis.  “Children who have been victims of flooding often say that their families and schools didn’t listen to their experiences, worries or problems.  They also say that they didn’t want to burden their family and teachers with these worries.  So even if your child seems fine, let them know that their feelings are important to you and let their voice be heard.”  Children who talk about what happened and how it felt often recover more quickly.

http://theconversation.com/how-to-help-children-recover-from-the -trauma-of-disaster-88090 The Conversation How to help children recover from the trauma of disaster, Nov. 30, 2017 by Florence Halstead

Make the time after a tragedy as fun as possible.  Play games, enjoy each other’s company, let them draw pictures of what happened.  

Chile Earthquake Municipalidad de Talcahuano originally posted to flicker

Instead of being afraid of staying in the house, play camping out.

Let them help in the physical recovery process in age-appropriate ways.  It is heartbreaking for them to see their own belongings destroyed, but it gives them a sense of closure and control if they’re the ones throwing out their damaged possessions and contributing to the clean-up efforts.  Encourage your children in helping other families.  Teenagers can muck out houses after floods or mud slides, or provide lunches for other workers. 

However, make sure they have appropriate protective clothing and work in safe conditions.  When Alabama was struck with over 250 tornadoes in 2011, there were more injuries from recovery efforts among children who were not protected while assisting with debris cleanup than injuries from the tornado itself.

After the disaster, try to resume your normal routine as much as possible.  This will comfort children, help them make sense of their surroundings, and feel comforted.  Keeping schedules consistent, be it snack time, story time, or bed time, is crucial in helping children cope and recover.  They are also comforted by things they can touch and hold such as blankets, stuffed animals or toys.

Image by Rudy and Peter Skitterians from Pixabay 

But be aware that children will likely be extra clingy and need extra care and reassurance.  Some may regress to younger behavior like bed-wetting, thumb sucking, or separation anxiety.  They may have tantrums or have a hard time sleeping.  Grade school children may feel sad, mad, or afraid it might happen again.  Preteens and teens can respond to trauma by acting out, or others may be afraid to leave the house.  They may feel overwhelmed by their intense emotions which may displace to arguing or fighting with family. 

There are many good children’s books that treat fears and disasters that may help our children better manage their feelings.  

Spend time with them, reassuring them that you are all together and safe, and listen to their concerns and feelings. 

Children caught in natural or man-made disasters can suffer from trauma and bereavement far longer than adults realize.”  Children who suffered through Katrina took several years “to see a lessening of post-traumatic stress and depression symptoms. …the most important way to help children recover was to build and maintain supportive relationships.”

The Washington Post The serious and long-lasting impact of disaster on schoolchildren 2017 by Valerie Strauss

Often parents don’t observe the symptoms of trauma such as intrusive memories and feelings of detachment.  “Post-traumatic stress can manifest largely without parents’ awareness” according to a group of researchers led by Joy Osofsky of the Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center.  There’s a tendency to say, ‘Look, the kids are better’—meaning they aren’t crying anymore

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:2013_Bushehr_earthquake_By_Mardetanha_072.jpg

…But they still may not be functioning at full level,” said David Schonfeld, director of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement at the University of Southern California.  Education Week, July 20, 2019 Children’s Trauma Lasts Long After Disasters, Studies Show

If regressive behaviors don’t subside after the events, or they develop negative behaviors like aggression, depression, etc., you may want to get some outside help. Many agencies provide resources and guidance for children’s mental health recovery. 

School's Out; Learning Begins

                                                                                        Ellen M. Bonner/The Seattle Times

Oh, what do you do in the summertime?  Kids relax, play, imagine, create.  But can they increase their IQ?

I have always believed that I could help my children’s IQ’s grow by increasing their experiences.  It turns out that my belief now has some scientific backing.  There are two types of IQ.  One is crystallized IQ, which is genetic and static.  The other is fluid IQ, which is the “general ability to think abstractly, reason, discern relationships, solve out-of-the-box problems, recognize patterns and evaluate problems by piecing together information that isn’t necessarily formally taught.¹  People who rate high on the trait of openness to new experiences are constantly seeking new information, new activities to engage in, new things to learn—new experiences in general.  New experiences create new synaptic connections which build on each other.  “Novelty also triggers dopamine which not only kicks motivation into high gear, but stimulates neurogenesis (the creation of new neurons) and prepares your brain for learning.” ²  If fluid IQ makes relationships, recognizes patterns, pieces together unrelated information, our children need the information, facts, and different points of view to make those connections.  They need experiences.

During the summer, when my children were young, I planned two outings each week, one educational and one fun.  The kids always enjoyed visits to museums.  One of their favorites was the California Science Center with its fun and informative exhibits.  Through hands-on experiences, they learned about human inventions and innovations, lighting up mock cities, learning how water flows, how motors work, the life processes of living things, making huge soap bubbles, and more.

Another favorite was the San Diego Science Center, especially the display on sound waves that made patterns in huge bowls of water, or plates of sand.  The children’s museums such as Kidspace, where they could act out being a fireman, or newscaster, or other occupations, and La Habra Children’s Museum with art work they could do, costumes for putting on plays, and a mini-carousal.  The Natural History Museum and La Brea Tar Pits fed their fascination for dinosaurs, saber tooth tigers, and mastodons.  

Cynthinee on flickr

The Tar Pits have the added enticement of gooey sticky tar bubbles popping here and there around the grounds.

The Gene Autry Museum, Calico Ghost Town, and the Southwest Indian Museum opened their eyes to Western history, as did visits to historic houses such as Adobe de Palomares,

Rains House, and the home of Will Rogers. 

They traveled back in time at the Orange Empire Railway Museum, where they explored trains and trolleys of the past, even having a ride on one.  There are automobile museums, the Planes of Fame museum in Chino with WWII planes that are operational and fly in air shows, and they could even travel to the stars at planetarium shows from the local colleges.  At Griffith Observatory, if you chose the right times, you can look through the telescopes at the planets.

They saw antiquities at the Getty Villa and art at the new Getty and Norton Simon art museums, as well as special showings at the Los Angeles Art Museum.  The Huntington Library was a favorite.  After the obligatory visit to the old books room (Gutenberg bible, Ben Franklin's diary, etc.) and the art museum featuring Blue Boy and Pinkie, they escaped to the Japanese garden and ran free among the bamboos by the lake.  Descanso Gardens has peacocks, and they loved to feed the ducks at Cal Poly.

They had their hearts and minds opened at the Museum of Tolerance to the effects of bullying and hatred.

Culturally, I took them (sometimes reluctantly) to ballets, operas, band concerts, piano concerts, concerts in the park featuring all types of music, rock and roll, or folk music, or hip hop.  One daughter says, “I remember going to my first opera “Aida” when I was in the fourth grade.  When I mentioned I had attended an opera at school the next day, my teacher was so impressed that I decided opera was a cool thing.  Lol.”  

Steven Pisano on flickr

Another said, “I remember a modern dance performance I didn’t understand, and I discovered a surprising liking for Bluegrass music.”  We went to children’s plays, operettas, Mexican dance shows, and once even to a Kabuki performance.  (My 16-year-old son really liked the over-the top costumes and acting).

One time we went to a concert at the Hollywood bowl.  We took our own picnic and ate on the grass.  My 4-year-old was looking forward to the fireworks at the end of the concert as they played the 1812 Overture, but unfortunately, he fell asleep before it happened.  The older ones enjoyed the concert, but what they really remember was getting trapped in the underpass as people were entering one end faster than they were exiting the other end.  Claustrophobic tensions were rising among everyone until someone started singing “Row, row, row your boat.”  Everyone joined in and the silliness of it released the tension.  We finally exited, but they learned something there too.

For fun, we went to the beach.  We loved the beach and would often spend the day (once we even camped for a week with my sister and her kids).  “I remember driving to the beach and staying late to avoid the rush hour traffic, chasing sand crabs, cooking corn in seawater over the fire-pit, and perfecting the technique of drip sandcastles, and slamming into waves and always ending up with a sunburn because I was too busy playing in the waves or sand than keeping the sun off.  I remember being surprised when we went to rocky beaches with tide pools and their briny life."  

Max Pixel

My husband would drive the hour down after work and we would cook dinner on the beach.  We waited for grunion which never came because we were always too noisy.  We visited tide pools and aquariums, swam in pools and water parks. 

We went on hikes, ate dinners in the mountains, went camping, fishing, and star gazing at Joshua Tree Nat. Park.  We went to amusements parks maybe once a summer, but visited the library often. We went to the zoo and laughed at the gorillas and monkeys, watched the otters play, were awed by the elephants and felt sorry for the lions and tigers as they paced.  We visited Griffith Park and rode the little train, the ponies, and the carousal.  In fact, we visited many parks in the area, some with unique playground equipment like rockets or trains, some with hills and ponds.  One daughter said, “I remember gathering black walnuts from the trees at the park to take home and crack open to eat, so I have a particular fondness for them, and picking lawn daisies or clover blossoms for daisy chains, and climbing on the sea creature sculptures at Ganesha Park and swimming lessons and firework displays there.”  We often went with cousins.  My kids thought everything was better with cousins.

One summer we went on a six-week camping trip around the U.S. across the south, up the east coast, and back through middle America.  One child’s memories: “Our trip around the U.S., from Carlsbad to the sweat shores of the Gulf, to the swamps of Florida, the east coast waves, the cram packed buses of New Jersey to the heat inside the Statue of Liberty, my first taste of fresh blueberries.  And cultural history stops at Plymouth, Jamestown, Williamsburg and Boston and Tom Sawyer’s cave, the Corn Palace and the huge carved faces at Mount Rushmore, the endless prairies and the beauty of Colorado’s Estes Park.”

I once worked with a group of teens that had been hooked on drugs.  I was amazed at how many of them, living in the Los Angeles area, had never been to the beach, had never been to the mountains, had never been to the desert.  They saw life from only the narrow viewpoint of their own neighborhoods.

We had a lot of children and not much money (we were just barely above the free lunch threshold), but we prioritized these activities. We drank powdered milk and dressed in thrift store clothes so we had money for doing things with our kids.  We found many free community performances, and free days at the museums.  We always brought our own picnic; we never bought the overpriced food at the venues.  My daughter who now sings in the Tabernacle Choir wrote, “I appreciate that you tried so hard to find free/cheap things for us to do to increase our exposure to (and therefore appreciation of) cultural activities.  I liked them at the time, too.”

We went to the County Fair each year.  Each of the children made a chocolate cake to enter in the children’s chocolate cake contest.  

Miklo on Wickapedia

With the contest entry came a free pass to the fair.  We didn’t go on the expensive rides but visited the model trains, the county displays, the home arts demonstrations, the school exhibits, the art exhibitions, the garden and flower displays.  My oldest daughter said, “I have so many fond memories of the giant redwood slab, browsing all the craft and art and garden exhibits, and performing with my school class and entering my cakes.  I have my best crepe recipe from the Incredible Egg demonstration there.”  We brought our own food, enjoyed ourselves and only paid for parking.

I don’t know if all these activities actually increased their IQ’s.  They are all really smart.  But I do know that it helps them enjoy more things, appreciate things outside their own viewpoints, and has enhanced their lives.

Leaving The Nest: Are Your Graduates Prepared?

It’s June, and the fledgling birds cheeping up in my porch eaves are starting to leave the nest.  Many of our children are doing the same, whether it be college, a new job, or even marriage.  Three of my own grandchildren graduated this Spring.  Do our children have the skills they need to soar in their new environment, or will they crash right out the door?

Many of our children enter adulthood with little knowledge on being grown up.  They have been concentrating on their academics, but are woefully lacking in real-life skills and knowledge.  There are certain practical skills that will make life easier for our children stepping into adulthood.  If they’ve never been taught, they may have a slow learning curve and a lot of turbulence.  Unraveled hems either hang ragged or get fixed with staplers or scotch tape, toilets build up a thick layer of gunk inside, credit cards get maxed out, germs flourish and nutrition fades when our kids aren’t taught basic life skills. 

“We parents, we’re doing too much,” says Julie Lythcott-Haims, former dean of freshmen at Stanford University.  “We have the very best of intentions, but when we over-help, we deprive them of the chance to learn these really important things that it turns out they need to learn to be prepared to be out in the world of work, to get an apartment, to make their way through an unfamiliar town, to interact with adults who aren’t motivated by love.”¹

What do they need to learn before they strike out on their own?

Money

One of the most critical life skills you can teach your child is how to manage money.  Being money savvy is will prevent a lot of grief down the road to adulthood.  Understanding money management includes knowing the difference between wants and needs, being able to delay gratification, the difference between a debit card and a credit card, and knowing how compounding interest will hurt you if you owe money (credit cards, student loans) and help you if you have savings and investments. 

It means knowing how to budget, how to pay bills, how to write, endorse, and deposit checks and how to balance your checkbook and read your credit card statement.  It means understanding the true cost of things when you add fees, taxes, extra charges for add-ons, etc.  They need to realize that daily small expenditures, like that cup of gourmet coffee daily, add up quickly.  They should learn that it’s OK to sacrifice some of life’s luxuries for an education—they don’t need HD cable TV, or a condo, or even a car while a student.

I remember my first check book when I left for college.  I was frugal, I stayed within my budget, but one day I got confused on my balance and wrote a check for $5 more than I had in my account.  When my check bounced back to me, I immediately put $5 more in the account and told the store they could re-submit the check.  It bounced again.  This time it said I was short $20.  I put the $20 in my account, told the patient store manager to submit the check once more.  It bounced again.  Only then I realized that when a check bounces, the bank charges a fee.  I was only covering the debt, not the added fee.  That little lack of knowledge cost me $40, my lunch money for the month.  Kids don't use checks much anymore, but debit cards have the same problems.

If their money comes in lump sums, such as a loan or scholarship, they need to learn how to budget it out to last the semester.  With a loan, they should understand how much they are borrowing and how long it will realistically take to pay it back.  Sometimes they look at the top salary for their chosen profession and think it will be easy.  They don’t realize that most people don’t make the top salary, and even if they eventually do, it won’t be for a long time.  Not being careful with their money now will mean they have to be careful with their money for years.

Young adults often expect to live the life-style of their parents as students, and rack up those student debts on their wants rather than just on their education.  One young woman I know spent lots of her student loan money on fancy furniture, name-brand clothes, and lots of meals in restaurants.  Her life didn’t go as planned and now, fifteen years later, those un-needed loans are a burden around her neck.

There are many ways students can cut back on costs while in school if they think strategically.  Text books can be bought used, or rented through Amazon, or even downloaded.  Thrift stores can provide dorm or apartment necessities.  Dates can be creative and cheap.  Seldom used items can be shared with others.  Utilities can be kept under control if they pick a reasonable temperature for winter and summer, and don’t leave all the lights on or the refrigerator door open for long periods of time.

Money guru Dave Ramsey said it’s important to teach a work ethic in money management.  “Number one,” he says, “you must teach your children to work.  Eating two bags of Doritos and spending all day in the chair playing Nintendo is not work.  There is no future for you if your only skill set is gaming. …You can win World of Warcraft 46 times and nobody cares if that’s on your resume when you grow up… Teach your kids to work.  Work, get paid.  Don’t work, don’t get paid.  I’ve met 54-year-olds who don’t get that.”²  Employers value workers who know how to work.

Time Management

Another skill that will make their lives easier now and throughout their lives is time management.  Being eighteen and having no one to watch over you can be trouble when it comes to balancing college social life with classwork, or enjoying your first wages while taking care of your job or assigning priority to work projects, or managing a house for the first time.  Many of us could still learn a thing or two about managing our time, but the more kids learn before leaving home, the more successful they’ll be.

Have you taught your child to break down assignments into smaller bites and work on a little each week, instead of leaving it all to the last minute?  Have you taught them how to prioritize when they have several different things to do?  “College has the ability to put a lot on your plate at one time, so [students need to] stay organized and one step ahead of [their] work,” says Billy Hartman, 22, a graduate from Temple University.  Procrastination can lead to high stress, pulling all-nighters, and low grades.³

Cleaning, housework

No one wants to live with a slob, not roommates, not a spouse.  Our young adults need to know how to clean and take care of where they live.

              https://www.flickr.com/photos/ryochijiiwa/417062984 Ryo Chijiiwa 

They need to know how to pick up, sweep, mop, and vacuum.  They should be able to clean the bathroom, including the toilet, inside and out.  It should be their responsibility to do the dishes, clean the kitchen counters, the stove, the inside of the refrigerator.  They should automatically wipe up spills.  They should know how to clean non-stick pans.  I know a woman who mixed bleach and ammonia in trying to clean a stubborn toilet.  The poison gas knocked her out and she had to be pulled to safety.

As a freshman in college, I lived in an apartment where we took turns cooking, and washing dishes.  I was a good cook, but when it was my turn to cook, I left out everything I used, spills and splashes adorned the counters and stoves, and dirty pots and pans were left to harden on the stove.  Finally, an older girl in our apartment talked to me and explained that I needed to clean up as I went.  It wasn’t the dishwasher’s duty to clean up my cooking mess.  I had no idea.

Health and hygiene, handling illness

Illness shouldn’t panic your new adult if he’s learned to care for himself when he’s sick.  They should know the basics of over the counter medication, how to follow the dosage directions, to take the smallest dose that helps, and that none should be mixed with alcohol.  They should be familiar with the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, apple, toast) and that onion rings and pizza won’t help an upset stomach or stomach flu.  They should know about washing hands when ill or around people who are ill, what to do for a sore throat, when to see a doctor and when to tough it out.  They should know how to fill a prescription.

Comparison shopping

“To be good at shopping, [your child] needs to understand the importance of delayed gratification, saving towards a goal, determining what a good price is for an item, and why it may not make sense to purchase something just because it’s on sale.”⁴  They need to only buy as much as they need so they don’t have 30 cans of potted meat that were on sale like I did as a newly married (we’ve never eaten it again), or 30 sweaters in Southern California, like a friend I knew.  They need to compare quality.  Sometimes the more expensive one is cheaper in the long run if it lasts longer.  They need to compare prices, which can vary widely for the same item in different stores or on-line.  They need to know they should pass up on lesser things to save for something bigger that they really want more. 

If you have given them a chance to manage some money on their own, they have begun to understand these shopping variables.

Maintenance chores (house, car, clothes …)

Graduates should know how to replace the toilet paper, use the dishwasher or wash dishes by hand, take out the trash, replace a toilet flapper, empty the vacuum cleaner bag, paint a room, tighten the screw on a loose hinge, lubricate a squeaky door, plunge a plugged drain.  They should know how to use a wrench, a screw driver, and a hammer.  One of my daughters is a Personal Assistant.  Her client doesn't know how to change a light bulb.  Instead, she pays (a lot) to have someone else do it for her.

        https://comons.org/wiki/File.Droping_faucet.jpg Angelo Gonzalez 

My grandson told me that a lot of his female friends didn’t know how to use any tools whatsoever.  “This meant that I would have to go over and help them put up towel hooks, curtains, fix the doors, sharpen their knives, etc.  Many of them told me they wish that their parents had taught them how to do those sorts of practical and easy things with tools.”  His mother (my daughter) was invited by her dad (my husband) to help him in fixing things around the house.  She can seat a toilet, re-hang a sagging door, replace a faulty electrical outlet.  Another daughter has built a beautiful coffee table, a bathroom washstand, a kitchen table, and with her husband, has built a room addition, from the foundation to the roof. 

On the other hand, a friend told me that her grandson had an overflowing toilet.  “I didn’t know what to do,” he told her, “except close the top.”  It didn’t help.

I was driving a daughter and her two male cousins to Zion’s Park.  In the park, we had a flat tire.  I was so surprised that the two male teenagers didn’t know how to change a tire.  My daughter and I had to instruct them (but we made them do the heavy work).  Even if a teen doesn’t own their own car, they should know the basics of car ownership, such as how to pump gas, how to check the oil and tire pressure and add air, where the manual, the registration, and insurance cards are and what to do if there is an accident.  They should know how to read a map and follow directions without a GPS.  They should also know how to ride a bus or other public or shared transportation.

My eldest daughter knew how to pump gas, but not when.  She always waited until it was almost empty, and ended up stranded on the highway on her way home from college because she ran out.  I read of another girl whose engine burned up because she didn’t know you had to check and add oil.  Two sisters ran out of gas on a lonely road at dusk, and filled up their gas tank with water.  That was an expensive lesson.

It would be helpful to our young adults if they knew how to tack up a loose hem (no, not scotch tape nor staples), sew on a button that falls off, mend a ripped seam.  They should have learned how to thread a needle, knot a thread, and take a stitch.

Laundry

How many college boys end up with pink socks and underwear?  

https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/ frankieleon

Young people heading out into the world need to know the basics of how to do laundry.  They should know how to separate their clothes, how to read the washing and drying guidelines on labels, where to put the detergent and fabric softener and how much to use, that cotton and sweaters shrink in the dryer and colors bleed in hot water. And certain intimate clothes need to be changed daily.  My brother-in-law used to spray his socks with under-arm deodorant so he wouldn’t have to wash them.

Meal prep

“Unless the idea of your child living off of Top Ramen, Pizza Rolls, and fast food sounds appealing, it is important that they know how to shop and cook.”⁵  “Research shows that people who frequently cook meals at home eat healthier and consume fewer calories than those who cook less.”⁴  And even more so, it could save them thousands of dollars.  According to the Hechinger Report, the average college charges around $4,500 per year for a meal plan.  (Wellesley’s meal plan costs $7,442 per student per year.)⁶  By giving your student some simple cooking skills, they could save that money.

Start by teaching them the essentials, like how to make a shopping list, read the grocery ads, compare prices, follow a recipe, and cook basic fare like a baked chicken, how to cook pasta, scramble an egg, and heat a can of soup.  Tip: they must remove the soup from the can and put it into the pot to heat.  Sometimes you add water and sometimes not.  The label tells when.

They should know metal and foil and living animals do not go into the microwave, and if you don’t poke a potato skin, it can explode in any type of oven.

I had a room-mate who didn’t know how to boil an egg.  More than once, she put the egg in the water, turned on the heat, and then left to do something else until a most terrible yucky odor permeated our apartment.  The water would have boiled dry and the egg shell burnt.

A microwave or crock-pot cookbook will help them eat right even when time is tight.

How to research skills

They may be better than you at this.  We had libraries and encyclopedias and how-to books.  They have Google and Pinterest and YouTube.  If they know how to find out how to do what they don’t know how to do, they are on the road to success.

Maybe the most important thing you can give your graduate as they leave the nest and head off into the world, is your love and your confidence in their abilities to cope.  

Let them know they can figure things out as they go along.  You’ve taught them what you could, now it is their turn to learn by experience.  And that’s what it is all about.  When I left home, my dad gave me a house key.  He said that was to let me know that no matter what happened, I was always welcome at home.  That love sustained and supported me.

1.      https://www.parenting.com/child/child-development/12-basic-life-skills-every-kid-should-know-high-school

               Parenting 12 Basic Life Skills Every Kid Should Learn by High School by Ellen Sturm Niz

2.       https://www.daveramsey.com/askdave/relationships-and-money/teaching-kids-four-money-principles

               Dave Ramsey: Ask Dave Teaching Kids Four Money Principles

3.     https://www.today.com/parents/11-things-i-wish-i-knew-going-college-1D80098788

              Today 11 things I wish I knew before going to college by Sarah Bourassa, Aug. 24, 2014

4.     https://selfsufficientkids.com/life-skills-kids-need/

 Self Sufficient Kids.  Independent Kids 15 Life Skills Kids Need Before They Leave Home  by Kerry

5.       https://thescholarshipsystem.com/blog-for-students-families/8-essential-life-skills-teach-high-schooler-head-college/ 

The Scholarship System 8 Essential Life Skills to Teach Your High Schooler Before They Head to College     

6.       https://hechingerreport.org/tough-swallow-reason-college-keeps-costing-price-meal-plans/

Hechinger Report: Higher Education A tough-to-swallow reason college keeps costing more: the price of meal plans by Tara Garcia Mathewson January 18, 2018                                                 

Mommy Rage

OK.  You did it.  You lost your temper and turned into a Hulk, a witch, fiery-dart breathing dragon, and you crushed your little loved ones’ spirits, you spanked their little bottoms, or maybe you shook, or slapped, or threw things, definitely yelled and said vile things about how awful they are.  The angry words came out faster than you could catch them.  And now you feel horrible.  You are the worst mother ever.  Your poor terrified kids would be better off in an orphanage than living with you.  They cry.  You cry.  And the worst part is, this is a normal day.

Mommy rage.  We know it’s bad.  What we don’t know is how to change ourselves into the patient, loving, long-suffering, unflappable mother we long to be.  All we know to is to try harder.  Next time we won’t let ourselves get angry.  We’ll show more self-control.  We won’t ever let ourselves act like that again.  But we do.  You may have been a calm, serene person BC (before children), but somehow kids help us discover the temper we never knew we had.

Things kids do that push the anger buttons:

Babies: cry non-stop, cry because they are too tired to eat and too hungry to sleep, make a diaper change a wrestling match, won’t nurse, have colic, won’t sleep when you are exhausted.

Toddlers: whine, throw a tantrum because you cut his sandwich in squares instead of triangles, insist on putting on her own socks and melt down because they won’t go on, paint the brown couch in a rental with red oil paint (true story), refuse to eat, refuse to nap, scribble on the walls, 

cut their hair, dig the dirt out of a potted plant, climb to the top shelf, run into the street, destroy something you value, poop in their bedroom and then paint the walls with it, pour the bottle of vegetable oil on the floor and skate in it (another true story).

School aged children: whine, fight with each other because “He’s breathing on me.”, talk back, ignore you when tell them what to do, won’t get ready in time, lie, steal, can’t find their shoes when it’s time for school, don’t do their chores, need constant help with their homework.

Teenagers: wear inappropriate clothing, sass, ignore chores, ignore homework, stay out too late, chose grody friends, live on their phones or tablets, don’t obey, whine, argue about everything, smoke, drink, fight, use drugs or have sex.

Pair these triggers with never-ending dirty dishes, piles of laundry, not enough sleep, not enough money, not enough time for all you have to do, and even the most mild-mannered mom can turn into a screaming maniac.  

Barnhill, who wrote She’s Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger, says it’s often the ‘little’ things in our everyday lives that are the most likely to send us over the edge.¹ 

“Anger is the most powerful of all emotional experiences… The only emotion that activates every muscle group and organ of the body, anger exists to mobilize the instinctual fight-or-flight response meant to protect us from predators.”²  But our children aren’t predators. 

The funny thing about anger, as strong as the emotion is, it is often a secondary emotion, one we experience because we aren’t dealing with the primary emotion.  Most often our anger comes because of fear.  We fear our children will get hurt or will hurt someone else, we fear looking like a failure, we fear they won’t love us, that they’ll bomb out at school and thus life, that they’ll grow up to be liars or thieves, or living on the streets.

Other emotions that can hide under anger are hurt, frustration, disappointment, grief, guilt, loss, or a feeling of inadequacy, or even the unfinished business of your own childhood.  For example, “for some people, a crying baby becomes a signal not of the child’s needs but of the parent’s abject failure. The inability to comfort a distressed baby, or at least to stop the crying, is the leading cause of child abuse, shaken-baby syndrome, and infanticide.”² 

Psychologist Gary J. Oliver explains, “At a very early age, many of us learned that anger can help us divert attention from these more painful emotions.  Anger is safer.”³   It may be that our anger simply stems from feeling overwhelmed, fatigued, or burnt out.

For me, the underlying emotion was fear of loss of control.  I was under the mistaken belief that my job was to make my children be good.  With my compliant children, it was easy.  I told them what to do, they did it, and I was a good mom.  With my non-compliant children, it was different.  I told them what to do, they did something else, and I was a failure as a mom.  

                                                                                                                     maximkabb/iStock/Thinkstock

I couldn’t make them do anything.  So I got angry.

What do we do with our anger?  We can stuff it, which can make us emotionally and even physically sick, and which can slowly build inside us until it explodes, blowing us up along with our children.  Or we can unleash it immediately on our poor scared children, often being cruel, critical and hostile.  Another way anger is often expressed is passive-aggressive behavior.  Procrastination, sarcasm, emotional withdrawal, lack of consideration, and the silent treatment make our point.  Oliver and his co-author H. Norman Wright tell us it rarely helps to “try hard” to stop being angry.  We need more than self-control.³   

Oliver tells us that simply feeling the emotion of anger is not wrong.²  It can be an important message that… our needs or wants are not being fully met. To keep from hurting those we love, and ourselves, we need to look closely to understand what is really underneath our anger—our fear, our frustration, our hurt—and choose to talk about those emotions instead.  It is an opportunity for emotional growth.  When those emotions are healed, there is no need for the anger.  “Talking about these ‘softer’ primary emotions tends to prompt softer language from us that’s less threatening to others.”³

I used to get really angry at my 4-year-old son for riding his Big Wheel in the street.

Yelling at him didn’t seem to make any difference.  When I explained that I was afraid he would be hit by a car and badly hurt, he explained to me that he was faster than any car, so riding in the street was safe.  A short race down the block between me in the car and him on his Big Wheel, demonstrated that the car really was faster, and after that he stayed out of the street.  Expressing my fear worked better than expressing my anger.

Tricia Jalbert in her blog Mommy Rage: Cool Down Before you Melt said, “Children learn from watching how you deal with your own feelings and how you deal with theirs.  While you wouldn’t want to saddle your child with inappropriate exposure to your adult issues and emotions, it is not unhealthy for them to simply see you angry.  It’s what you do when you are angry, and how you manage your intensity, that are important.  Showing healthy responses to strong emotions teaches children that these emotions can be expressed and managed safely.”⁴

What are healthy responses to that dangerous fire of anger inside ourselves?

Give yourself a time out.  

Go ahead and tell your kids that you are angry and need time to cool off and you’ll talk to them later.  Exercise, punch a pillow, scrub something to get rid of the toxic chemicals flooding your body from anger.  See if you are tired, or hungry, or lonely, and if so, take care of it.  Consciously relax.  Tense and relax all your muscles.  Try creative projects or meditation.  I used to go into my bedroom and pray that my anger could be replaced with love and I could look for teachings and solutions rather than punishment.

 

Force a smile.  Mom Tara Giroud said, “I used to think [a forced smile] was the stupidest thing, but lately when I’m five-miliseconds from exploding, I turn around and force a smile and within seconds I can feel a shift.  I can breathe.  I can come back into my somewhat more rational self.  I can turn back to my kids and not roar my terrible roar or gnash my terrible teeth.”⁵

Speaking of which, work to avoid scaring your children.  You can honestly express your feelings without being scary.  Really.

You can also express anger without blame or labeling.  “I feel angry when you keep fighting,” rather than “I can’t stand you, you are such a trouble maker.”

Don’t take it personally.  We sometimes see disobedience as a personal insult.  We say do this, and they do that.  Remember, they are just children.  They aren’t out to get us.  They are just seeing things from their undeveloped viewpoints, which is all about them, not us.

Girard warns us about counting to ten.  According to one report, it actually makes people angrier.  We don’t want that.  Taking deep breaths is good if you focus on the breathing out rather than sucking the air in.  Taking a deep breath in may trigger the fight or flight response.  Instead, focus on blowing all the air out of your lungs.  This moves you into a more rational part of your mind.

Think ahead and look for potential anger situations and avoid them if possible, or visualize possible better responses.

“The difference in your reaction to the child’s behavior lies entirely within you and depends completely on how you feel about yourself, says Steven Stosny, Ph.D.  [If your self-value is low], the child’s behavior seems to diminish your sense of self, and in anger you punish him for doing it to you.  [When self-value is high], the child’s behavior does not diminish your sense of personal importance, value, power, or lovability.  So there is no need for anger.  Rather, the problem to be solved is how to teach the child to behave better; you won’t do that by humiliating or scaring him with anger.  His reaction to humiliation and fear will be the same as yours—an inability to see the other person’s perspective, an overwhelming urge to blame, and an impulse for retaliation or punishment.”²

Remember we are a work in progress as parents.  We’re not going to be perfect all at once.  I’ve been a mom for 54 years, and I’m still not perfect (don’t tell my kids.  Oh wait, they already know).  So at some time or another, our toddler is going to scribble on the wall or our teen is going to come home at 4 am, and we’re going to lose it and morph into that fiery dragon again.   

When that happens, we can quickly admit that we have been wrong.  We can and should apologize to our children.  We can talk about the underlying emotion that led us to the anger.  We tell our child how we are feeling now (sorry, embarrassed, guilty, etc.).  We can talk about what we should have done to calm down before we lost it.  We can brainstorm with our child about avoiding future bouts of anger.  Your child can learn an invaluable life skill by this type of interchange.  You model for them how to handle it when they lose their temper.  Win-win.

1.      Focus on the Family When Moms Get Angry by Carol Steffes 

https://www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/when-moms-get-angry-1201796.html

2.      Psychology Today Why Parents Really Get Angry at Their Kids.by Steven Stosny, Ph.D.,  posted Aug 07, 2015

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201508/why-parents-really-get-angry-their-kids

3.      2015 Focus on the Family (Canada) Association Why moms who struggle with anger need to be brave by Catherine Wilson

     https://www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/why-moms-who-struggle-with-anger-need-to-be-brave 

4.      The Snap Mom Mommy Rage Cool Down Before you Melt  by Tricia Jalbert

https://thesnapmom.com/mommy-rage-cool-down-before-you-melt/

5.      Walking on travels: Hey you, Angry Mom, you’re not alone  by Tara E. M. Giroud, posted Feb. 20, 2017 in MOM, Parenting

https://walkingontravels.com/mom/hey-you-angry-anger-mom-youre-not-alone/