My Dad was
in the Air Force, so we moved around the U.S. often. Both my grandmothers lived in California,
so we traveled to see them in summers and at Christmas in our trusty Ford
station wagon, singing “Over the river and through the woods…”. Seeing my grandmothers was worth the hours
and days in the car with my siblings as we traveled across the country.
Whether they
call you grandma, nana, oma, granny, nanny, graham cracker, or any other
special name, let’s be sure they call you with love and anticipation. How do we become a Grandmother they will want
to be with and listen to?
First off,
let’s talk about spoiling our grandkids.
Is that a given, or a no-no?
Well, yes and no. When I polled
family and friends on what made their relationship with their grandparents
special, it was often the spoiling they remember. “She let me eat anything I wanted.” “We always baked cookies together.” “She took us exciting places.”
However,
parents of these grandkids asked, “How can we keep our parents from spoiling
our children?”
So I’ll give
you my opinion from my position of being a grandchild to two wonderful
Grandmas, a parent to children who had two wonderful grandmothers, and now
being a grandma myself. It’s OK to spoil
your grandchildren—a little.
Parents have
the job of teaching and raising and setting rules and enforcing those
rules. Grandmas have done all that, now
they can relax the rules—a little. There
are a couple of guidelines to watch for when spoiling.
1. Don’t undermine the parents. Never make it you and the kids against their
parents. Telling them to keep what you
do a secret teaches disrespect and disobedience to the people who are raising
them.
2. Keep the indulgences small and
simple. Don’t give your grandchildren
more gifts than the parents do. Check
before giving expensive gifts. One
mother complained that the child’s grandmother gave her daughter so many gifts,
she now expects to buy everything she sees. The mother was tired of being the
bad guy by saying “no”. Besides, she
wanted her daughter to appreciate what she had, not focus on what she coveted. An unexpected sweet treat now and then is OK,
but not cake and cookies for breakfast, a steady diet of ice cream, and all the
candy they can eat. Grandchildren
require the necessities of life and an occasional splurge, but not getting
something they want can build character and prepare them for life’s realities.
3. Follow the rules that are important
to the parents. No scary or violent TV
shows or video games. No candy that is a
choking hazard. Always buckle up in the
car or stroller. Don’t allow teens to
stay out after curfew, or be with friends of which the parents disapprove. One of my daughters asked her in-laws to not
feed her daughter any sweets. The
in-laws thought, oh, a little bit won’t hurt, and put honey on her oatmeal, a
cookie with lunch, and a small piece of candy in the afternoon. Her daughter had very sensitive teeth because
of toddler mineral loss and by nighttime she had a raging toothache.
4. Don’t buy toys that don’t reflect the
parents’ values. This may include inappropriate
video games and movies, toy guns, or toys with a strong gender bias. One mother said, “My in-laws try to buy the
grandkids’ affection by giving them expensive electronics when we would rather
that they have toys that encourage them to be active and creative.”1
5. Don’t try and buy their love. That teaches them that they aren’t loved if
they don’t get everything, and they are more likely to “use” people by
expressing love in order to get gifts.
6. When planning trips, overnights,
pets, and other major delights, clear them with the parents before announcing
to the children. Don’t make the parents
the bad guys by having to say no in front of their kids.
7. Never favor one child over
another. This is especially necessary in
blended families.
What you can
give freely with no worry about unintended consequences, is your unconditional love,
your undivided attention, and your time.
Rather than giving a toy and watching the grandchildren play, we can
play with our grandchildren.
Grandparents
have a different objective than parents do.
Parents shape, mold, discipline and guide their kids into high
achievement and perfection. Grandmas can
shower those children with a simpler, less demanding love. Research suggests that the unique acceptance
children feel from their grandmothers benefits them emotionally and mentally.
Often, the
grandmother’s role is indirect, by helping and supporting their grandchildren’s
parents. They step in during family
disruptions, such as a parent’s illness or a new baby. They are babysitters, stress buffers,
supporters, and roots.
Grandmothers can play with their
children.
Too much love never spoils
children. Children become spoiled when
we substitute “presents” for “presence”.
Children love it when we play with them.
We can play board games, from “Chutes and Ladders” for the preschool
ones (although you may have to cheat to keep the little ones from getting too
frustrated when they slide back to the beginning), to Chess with the older
ones. We can play card games, from “Go
Fish” to teaching them canasta. We can
play action games like “Hide and Seek”, “Duck, duck, goose”, “Fox and Hound”. We can give horsey rides, play “Ring around
the Rosie”, take nature walks that don’t have to hurry, go on scavenger hunts
together, play finger games. My
grandkids love playing “Peaky, Fousty, Flatty, Cutty, Claw” that I learned when
my father-in-law played it with my children (google it). We can do crafts with them, science
experiments, and service for others.
We can even have them teach us a two-player video game, or at least explain it to us.
Grandmothers can look at life with a long-term
perspective.
We’ve learned to not sweat the small stuff:
life is too short. Grandchildren may
think some small problem is the end of the world. As long as we don’t dismiss their feelings
and the importance the problem is to them, we can help them put their problem
in a broader viewpoint. We can relieve
their minds.
Grandmothers should tell stories.
Folk tales like the Gingerbread Man, The Little Red Hen, The Three
Little Pigs with morals they may have never heard in TV or in video games. Made-up stores, especially if they are the
heroes. My children loved visiting a
mythical Candy Land, picking cookies off the trees, lollipop flowers, sliding
down a Jell-O rainbow, drinking whatever they wanted from a “water” fountain. Reading books, even over and over and over
again.
They love stories from our own
childhood and how things were different then.
Whether they are informative, humorous, or tragic, these stories make us
more real to our grandchildren. You can
even write your personal history for your children and grandchildren. Seeing that we survived trials gives them
hope that they can do the same. Stories
from history, or from scriptures. True
stories from family history. I once made
a coloring book about an ancestor who came to America from Sweden by herself,
to give to my grandchildren. It showed
storms on the North Sea when she was lashed to a mast, to crossing the plains
of Nebraska and Wyoming. They better
appreciated the effort she made to enjoy the blessings of living here in
America.
Kim Bishop
of Charlotte, North Carolina says, “I loved hearing about how my grandparents
grew up and how it was different from my childhood!” “It’s really interesting to learn about the
people who came before me and made my family who we are today,” says Katie
Matza of Shreveport, Louisiana.2
Share family
photos too. Family stories and photos let
our grandchildren know they are a part of something larger than
themselves. Much psychological pain is
related to feeling isolated, alone, adrift and unconnected. Having a sense of heritage makes children
less prone to such feelings.
Grandmothers give love unfeigned and
unconditional.
Parental love can be
complicated. It tends to be all bound up
with hopes and expectations, egos, and ambitions for children.
Grandmother
love is a little simpler. We’ve lived
long enough to know that our lives seldom go the way we want. Rather than marching straight down the
pathway to success, our grandchildren may falter, take side trips, fall
back. That is when they need a little
extra love. A close relationship with
grandparents helps them grow in confidence and makes them feel worthy. It gives them security and hope in the
ability to straighten out their course.3
Grandmothers can give a listening
ear.
One grandma said the best way to spoil your grankids
is to “listen louder” to them.
Listening, she says, helps children feel safe enough to share their
feelings, their worries, and whatever else is true for them.4
Researchers say that when younger generations find their elders lack social tolerance, a generation gap can develop. We don't need to abandon our values and standards, but being willing to listen to our teen grandchildren without challenging them, can go a long way. We may even be surprised at the depth of their thinking. I have learned that the way that is best for me may not be the way that is best for my children or grandchildren. It is a hard but necessary lesson. Humility demands that I at least consider their viewpoint. If our teens have an open sounding board if only to be able to verbalize their feelings, it may help them see their path more clearly.
Grandmothers can teach skills. In today’s families,
many skills go untaught simply because of a lack of leisure time in which to
teach them. We can pass on some of the
skills we have learned. Hopefully we are
more patient than stressed-out parents, and because we grew up in a time where
it was cheaper to repair or make it yourself, we have some skills that some
parents lack. Simple skills can be
taught to young children, such as setting the table, folding towels, planting a
seed, tighten a screw. As they grow,
they can learn more practical skills, such as making a sandwich or a cake,
mending a torn hem or a ripped seam,
washing the car and changing a flat tire,
washing their own laundry, caring for their own garden patch, money management,
whatever is a necessary practical skill or is in line with their particular
interests. Arts and crafts are fun ways
to teach some skills. We can also teach
life skills. Lauren Harrison of Houston,
Texas, says “Because my grandmother grew up in the Great Depression, she
learned to never waste anything—and it’s helped me save a lot of money and
reduce trash.”2
Grandmothers who stay in frequent
contact with their grandchildren have closer relationships. Some grandmothers see their grandchildren daily or several
times a week. Others only get that
pleasure once or twice a year. Some,
bless their hearts, have accepted the herculean task of raising their
grandchildren and have to play parent as well as grandparent.
Not
surprisingly, geographic closeness is one of the strongest predictors of a
close relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. But what if you live far away from your
grandchildren, or due to health or financial problems, are unable to see them
often? I have twenty grandchildren. I live in California. None of them do. They free range from Alaska to Massachusetts,
from Idaho to Arizona.
Although I
know that face-to-face interaction is best, technology has made it easier to
keep in touch. I joined Facebook and
friended my grandchildren to keep track of their accomplishments and thoughts
and activities. Many grandparents Skype
or FaceTime or use other video chat platforms in order to visit with their
grandchildren.
I heard a young mother say
that her grandparents called or texted every week to check and see how she is
doing, and how much that meant to her. I
hadn’t done anything like that, so I decided to text some of my young adult
grandchildren. To my surprise, most of
them texted back. I plan to continue
that with the rest of them.
A friend has
an annual “Grandma’s Camp”. Another
chooses one grandchild to accompany her on a trip each year. Others invite a group of like-aged cousins to
visit for a while.
We can make
phone calls, share videos, ask about school work and appreciate their art work,
and make all the personal contact we can to build bonds of love and friendship
with our grandchildren across the miles.
And don’t forget snail mail.
There is something about having a card or letter in hand that makes it
extra special. As a child, I saved
letters from my grandmother that praised me.
They made me feel good. You can
even send your grandchildren a box of stationery or postcards and some stamps
and become pen pals. But don’t feel bad
if they prefer to respond electronically—it’s easier.
Grandmothers come with years’ worth
of wisdom, understanding, and love to share with their grandkids.
They have life lessons and other advice because they’ve often
lived through the same or similar experience.
“Knowing that they got through everything just fine, makes me feel that
I’ll be okay too,” says one mother.2
One thing my father-in-law taught us about money management has become a family saying that is blessing generations. He said, "There are two kinds of people: those who understand interest, and those who don't. Those who understand it earn it, those who don't, pay it." We are teaching that at a Cousins' Conference next month.
The relationship between a grandchild and grandparent is a very special one. While we act as an authority figure and provide unconditional love, we also get to spoil our grandkids in a way parents simply can't.
And we have incredible influence. Take the time to really get to know and enjoy them. They will in turn gain insight and character they can pass onto their own children and grandchildren someday.
1. Do Grandparents Have the
Right to Spoil Grandchildren? By Susan Adcox, Feb. 7, 2018
https://www.liveabout.com/grandparents-spoiling-grandchildren-16957772. 10 things Grandchildren can Learn from their Grandparents by Gillian Kruse, March 26, 2018
https://www.care.com/c/stories/5762/things-grandchildren-learn-from-grandparents/
3. 4 Reasons Grandchildren need their Grandparents by Susan Adcox, Feb. 17, 2017
https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-grandchildren-need-their-grandparents-1695883
4. Listen Up, Grandma! Go Ahead and Spoil your Grandchildren by Dina Rose, PhD, 2014
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-science-teaching-kids-eat-right/201412/listen-grandma-go-ahead-and-spoil-your
