The Gift of Service

I read the following story last week.  The names are changed.

Ruth stated:

Lee was deployed with the Marines in Afghanistan and Christmas during this time was a difficult one for me.  David and Sally, our two children, and I put together a care package with presents to send to Lee, hoping it would get to him by Christmas.  

When I mailed it off, I felt incredible melancholy.  I could not seem to feel joy and gratitude as I heard Christmas songs and watched those around me getting excited.  I felt only bitterness, so I didn’t put up a Christmas tree or many decorations, and could not gather or create enough excitement to help my children feel the spirit of Christmas as I continued to focus on my own sense of loneliness.

Before Christmas, someone started putting Christmas presents outside our door.  Every night a new present arrived with the giver vanishing before we could get there.  

David and Sally looked forward to this surprise every night.  I still don’t know who was leaving these presents for us, or if they know the impact they had, but they taught me a valuable lesson about service and kindness.

Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up, as I was.  As we forget ourselves in service to others, we are the ones who flourish and grow.  When I think of some of life’s happiest and peaceful moments for me, they involve doing service and kind acts for people around me.  Being kind and serving others causes us to listen to other people—not just to hear what they’re saying, but to listen to what is not being said.  Being able to alleviate someone’s suffering and sense of loneliness is a gift that we can give to those around us.”

A woman said, “I feel blessed to understand that when I am giving to others I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself.” 

“If you don’t want to be sad or angry at your situation, the way to fix that isn’t staying in that place,” says Emma Anderson, from Los Angeles.  “It’s by getting out and helping someone else because it helps you not be selfish, and not think about your own problems.  It’s almost like a distraction, but it’s one that will heal you.”

When we want to heal the soul, turning inward doesn’t work.  The triage of soul healing is found in turning outward to people.  One man said, “I was at a point where I needed healing.  I was asked to serve a woman with MS by helping put her to bed, night after night.  After time, what seemed like an incredible burden became my balm.  That’s what service does—it heals us.”

Losing ourselves in service to others gives purpose to our own lives.  Another said, “We become more substantive as we serve.  It’s easier to find ourselves because there’s so much more of us to find.”

It’s easy to become self-focused.  Our needs, our wants, our desires and ambitions can be so consuming that they crowd out other people.  We often drown in things that can be so superficial.  Of course we want to improve our life and have goals.  But when our pursuit of personal growth and happiness causes us to ignore others, our selfishness leads to stagnation, not growth; despair, not happiness, and ultimately, loneliness.  Neal A. Maxwell put it this way: “Why worry about selfishness?  Because selfishness is really self-destruction in slow motion.”  (Music and the Spoken Word)

So often we are so wrapped up in what we are doing that we don’t see another’s needs.  We are blinded to their loneliness or sadness or hurt or pain.  We are so focused on what we lack that we don’t see what another lacks.  One church leader said, “First observe, then serve.”

We can’t recognize another’s need if we don’t see it.  Ferris Bueller said it clearly: “Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

First, we must see—see those who are invisible and see those who need to be encouraged, lifted, and healed.

Second, we must be willing to interrupt our business, even for only a moment, while we are on our way to do something else.

Third, we must act through love. The more we love, the greater our capacity to love becomes. The more love we share, the more love we will have to give.

Service can be expensive and time consuming, but it doesn’t have to be. 

A young man was caught up in the fervor of the California gold rush.  He sold all his possessions to seek his fortune in the California rivers, which he was told were filled with gold nuggets so big that one could hardly carry them.

Day after endless day, the young man dipped his pan into the river and came up empty.  His only reward was a growing pile of rocks.  Discouraged and broke, he was ready to quit.  

Then an old prospector with a bulging leather pouch fastened to his waist, said to him, “That’s quite a pile of rocks you are getting there, my boy.”

“There’s no gold here.  I’m going back home.”

Walking over to the pile of rocks, the old prospector said, “Oh, there is gold all right.  You just have to know where to find it.”  He picked up two rocks and knocked them together.  One of the rocks split open, revealing several streaks of gold sparkling in the sunlight.

“That’s next to nothing,” said the young man.  “I’m looking for nuggets like the ones in your pouch, not just tiny flecks.”

The old prospector handed his pouch to the young man, who looked inside expecting to see several large nuggets.  He was stunned to see that the pouch was filled with thousands of flecks of gold.

“Son,” the old prospector said, “You’re so busy looking for nuggets that you’re plum missing out on filling your pouch with these tiny flecks of gold.”

“By small and simple things are great things brought to pass… And by very small means the Lord bringeth about the salvation of many souls.” (Alma 37:6-7)


So how can we collect the gold flecks of service?

First, charity begins at home.  Here is where we learn to practice the Golden Rule to treat all as we would wish to be treated.  None of us want to be on the receiving end of thoughtless words or actions, so we shouldn’t shame, put down, or be sarcastic to our children or husbands.  It is our example that can teach our family members to have love one for another.

Rachel, a new mother, said that one day she really wanted to go out and lift someone else's burden, but her baby was sick.  "Instead of getting frustrated or anxious about not being able to go out, I rocked him in my arms, sang him my favorite Christmas hymns, played patty-cake.  I am so grateful to be his mom; to be the one who gets to lift his every burden. I thank God for the opportunity I have to serve my sweet baby."

Other places where we have ample opportunity to serve is in our church and communities.  By treating each other kindly, speaking words of support and encouragement, and being sensitive to each other’s needs, we can create loving unity.  Where charity exists, there is no place for gossip or unkind words or deeds.

Church and community members can unite in meaningful service to bless the lives of others.  If you want to join with others in community service, ample opportunities are found at JustServe.org.

“…we are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness—be they family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers.  We are the Lord’s hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children.  He is dependent upon each of us.”  Thomas Monson

Kirt Saville stated:

·       Service should be given with a smile and with no expectation of a return

·       Too often we pass by opportunities to serve because we can’t see them.

·       Service is seldom convenient.

I have found that when a service is needed, it is often at the worst possible time.  I am on a deadline, or have a meeting, or something that has to be done today.  

If we put off serving until a convenient time, it is often too late.  I wanted to take a meal to my neighbor who was sick.  Life was hectic and I kept postponing the meal, until she was better and didn't need me.  I felt so bad.  When I take time to serve when it is needed, I find the other things I need to do somehow get done.  Life just gets a little more compressed.

“God bless us during this glad season with an increase of love, with a decrease of selfishness, with an enlarged sense of service, and a greater desire to be helpful to those in distress.” (Heber C. Kimball)

Ruth’s story at the beginning of this blog ends with these words: “I am grateful for the opportunities that I have to serve and find ways to be kind to those around me.  I am grateful for the times I have been a recipient of these gifts of service from those who could see my suffering and have taught me that seemingly small acts, kind words, and friendly smiles can have profound influence on those around us in our homes, among our friends and neighbors and communities.”

When the Christmas Sparkle Becomes Tarnished

When my many children were little, Christmas was a big thing.  Money was tight (teacher husband, stay-at-home mom, large family), so many of our gifts were home-made.  Thrift stores, yard sales, and Black Friday marathons provided most of the rest.  I remember when my brother-in-law got his son a bike that cost more than all the gifts we had gotten for all our children.  Buying and making gifts for our eight children and our own siblings, making special breads or jams or cookies for neighbors, decorating candles or trinkets for special friends all took tons of time. We made our own ornaments for the Christmas tree and hand printed zillions of Christmas cards to send.  

We visited relatives, taking special food offerings.  We went to see Christmas light displays, visited Santa Claus in the mall.  I chauffeured children to holiday activities and helped them get the presents they wanted to give.  I volunteered to serve the needy, and at Church events.  I had to wrap all the presents individually, although my husband championed his parent’s plan to just put each child’s presents unwrapped in a mound under a sheet. Once I even had the kids create our own wrapping paper with tree-shaped potato prints.  I made advent calendars and nativity scenes, and took the children caroling to the neighbors.  We had eggs benedict for Christmas breakfast, as well as the traditional Christmas dinner.  I wanted Christmas to be special.

Sounds ideal, right? 

Then why, in this season of peace on earth and good will to men, did I turn into a crazed harassed terror?  Why did I feel more frazzled than festive?  Why did the season of wonder become the season of stress?  Why was I more depressed than joyful?

Is it possible to really enjoy the holiday season serenely?  In my older age, I think the answer is a definite yes!  We just need to change a few things.

Of course, the first answer is to simplify, but that is easier said than done.  We want to build family traditions, give generous gifts to those we love, make our homes festive, beautiful, and bright, bake wonderful treats, share with friends and neighbors, volunteer to serve the needy.  Schools and work and churches and social groups have extra activities which require our time and efforts on top of our everyday busy schedules.  What can we possible leave out?

1.     Make a list and divide it into two parts: “must do” and “want to do.

Sometimes we do things just because we always have, turning December into a mad whirl of non-stop Christmas preparations and activities.  If the things on your list that you have to do outnumber the things that you want to do, it’s time to eliminate some of these activities.  It’s time to do less and enjoy more.

We go overboard to please others during the holidays: shopping, cooking, sending cards, and attending every event,” says George Pratt, PhD, a psychologist at Scripps Memorial Hospital La Jolla.  “Instead, take care of yourself by saying no at least once—and maybe more.”  Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed.

Reflect on what you cherish most about the holidays.  When you know your priorities, you can turn down the less important things.  It’s easier to say ‘no’ if you know what you’re saying ‘yes’ to.  You may choose a movie and hot chocolate with the family over another holiday party.  

You don’t have to say what your “other plans” are.  Just do what makes you feel good inside.

2.    Get help

Ask for help, and then accept their imperfections.  Who says you have to personally wrap all the Christmas gifts, do all the baking, trim the tree by yourself.  OK, maybe your husband can’t make a square corner on the gift wrapping, or all the ornaments on the tree are on the same side, or you can’t tell the cookie Santa from Rudolf, at least you are a little saner.  

If you are filthy rich (or choose this way, for sanity’s sake, to spend the scant funds you have), you can patronize a local bakery, hire a cleaning service, or have your party or dinner catered.

Get guests to help.  Most would rather be helping setting the table, stirring a soup, or setting out appetizers than sitting in the other room waiting while you do it all.  And if anyone offers to help clean up, jump at the gift.

3.    Let go of expectations. 

People are overcommitted,” says Marc D. Skelton, PhD, PsyD. In Laguna Niguel, Calif.  “Christmas and other holidays around this time are always supposed to be fun…”, and it’s your responsibility to live up to the season’s tall orders.  Stop obsessing over doing it all.  The world is not going to end if the house is a little cluttered or dinner is on the table a few minutes late.  “Focus your energy on enjoying the people in your life,” says Donna Schempp, the program director for the Family Caregiver Alliance.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  It’s small.

4.    Turn chores into events. 

Whatever holiday activity you find drudgery, try to make it special and different.  (Make Christmas baking a family affair).  Take a deep breath and savor the moment as you take part in trimming the tree or preparing the Chanukah cookies with your kids.  Give yourself permission to forget about all those tasks still on your to-do list.

5.    Slow down. 

You don’t have to do it all at once.  One family makes tree trimming an ongoing event.  The tree is set up and the ornaments set out.  Then whoever wants to, hangs a few on the tree when they feel like it.  It may take two weeks, but it is fully decorated by Christmas Eve.

Write say five Christmas cards a day.  In one week, that’s 35 cards.  If you send out more than that, you need a secretary.

Sure you want your home to look great for guests, but don’t fall prey to holiday house fever.  “That’s when you try to do too much in too little time,” explains Cynthia Ewer, editor of OrganizedChristmas.com.  Ewer suggests, “Cross off anything on your household prep list that will take more than a half-hour to do.  The goal is to spiff up the house a little, not turn it into a showroom." showroom.” 

When cleaning my house for an upcoming party, I suddenly see it from a guest’s point of view and notice things I have let slide.  (How long has that sock been on the mantle?)  So I just do a little deep cleaning each day, and then only the things that would embarrass me.  I wash the fingerprint decorated windows one day, and the grease marks and dried pancake batter off the cupboard doors another day or two.  

Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends, and other activities.  Plan your menus and then make your shopping list so you don’t have to waste time scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients.

6.    Revisit traditions.

If you’re dragging your kids off to see The Nutcracker—it’s a tradition!—but they’re whining every step of the way, make a switch.  It’s less about the event itself and more about time together.  As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well.  Hold on to your favorites, and be open to creating new ones.  Just because mom baked a thousand cookies to give to everyone she knew, doesn’t mean you are obligated to do so.

7.    Do something that makes you happy. 

Laugh and be merry.  Laughing like crazy reduces stress hormones.  

That, in turn, helps immune cells function better, says psychologist Steve Wilson, founder of the World Laughter Tour, an organization that offers therapeutic-laughter training.  Have fun.  Remember, it’s your Christmas too.  If things don’t go to plan, don’t worry.  Laugh about them and make them into fun memories that you can talk about during Christmases to come, like the time I gave my daughter a toy ironing board and iron, and she didn’t know what it was.  (OK, I hate to iron).

8.    Stick to a budget. 

Decide ahead of time how much money you can afford to spend.  Don’t try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts.

9.    Stay healthy. 

Don’t let the holidays become a free-for-all orgy of overindulgence.  It only adds to your stress and guilt.  At this time of year it’s all too easy to drink too much eggnog and scarf down too many cookies.  Soon you are eating because it’s there and you hardly notice it, let alone enjoy it.  Relish a bite or two, then leave the food area.  Savor what you eat, but don’t eat beyond what you can savor.  Too much sugar can cause blood sugar highs and lows, leaving you feeling more anxious and less able to handle stress.

10. Exercise.

Exercise is a great stress reducer as it burns off hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline and produces mood-enhancing endorphins.  Sunlight also stimulates the production of feel-good serotonin.  Try going for a walk outside after lunch.  “The rhythm and repetition of walking has a tranquilizing effect on your brain and decreases anxiety and improves sleep,” says nutrition-and-wellness expert Ann Kulze, MD. 

11. Relax

Take time to do whatever relaxes you.  A walk, deep breathing, a nap, soothing music, a bath, reading a book.  Research from the Univ. of Maryland shows that hearing music you love can relax blood vessels and increase blood flow.  That calms you down and is good for your heart too.

12. Other standard stress relievers.

Think positive instead of focusing on the bad.  So Aunt Elsie spoiled the family dinner with her cutting remarks, at least the mashed potatoes were outstanding.  Negative thinking can trigger your body’s stress response, just as a real threat does.  Also, you see more of what you focus on.  Look for the good; that’s what you see.  Notice the bad; it seems to be all around you.

When stress is bottled up for too long it can lead to health issues such as back pain from excessive muscle tension, headaches and a weakened immune system.  So find a release.  It can be getting in your car and screaming for about five seconds.  Or a few minutes of dancing, singing, or deep breathing.  When we’re stressed out, our heart beat increases and our breathing shallows.  Deep breathing reverses the process.  Breathe in deeply through your nose, hold for 15 seconds, then breathe slowly out through your mouth.  As you breathe, think, “In goes the peace, out goes the stress.”

Certain citrus fragrances boost feelings of well-being and alleviate stress by upping levels of nor-epinephrine, a hormone that affects mood.  Cut a lemon, light a citrus candle, or dab a little lemon or orange essential oil on a handkerchief to tuck in your shirt pocket.

13.  Last of all, stay away from Pinterest and Holiday Magazines that tell you you have to make candy cane and pipe cleaner treble clefs for the kid’s piano teacher, poinsettias from vintage piano music and mercury glass, or any other one of the 1147 best Christmas crafts that you would have never thought of doing before viewing them made you feel guilty for not doing them.  It’s OK to not check.

Get the Christmas Sparkle back.  Make the holiday season a joy, not an ordeal.

(OK, we'll never look like this, except maybe for the smile.  Let it sparkle!)

Teaching Children Gratitude that They Might have Joy

Thanksgiving will soon be here.  Originally a day dedicated to giving thanks to God for the many things we often take for granted, it has morphed into a day of overeating, football games, and searching for sales.

                                                                                                                             

Many people of my generation think youth today suffer from "affluenza".  They decry the attitude of entitlement.  "I don't care how, I want it now!" as Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka continually screamed.  

It is easy for our children to get used to getting stuff without knowing or caring where it comes from or what it takes on the part of others for them to get it.  The problem with feelings of entitlement, besides being extremely annoying, is that our children end up being constantly disappointed and filled with depression and stress, because they can’t always get everything they want, now!

A thankful heart, on the other hand, is almost synonymous with happiness.  Our children have a better perspective on life, are more optimistic, and find joy in what they do have.  Their world fills with love, compassion, enthusiasm, and confidence—and their satisfaction with life soars.  They develop a healthy understanding of how interdependent we all are—and they may be more inclined to treat others with genuine respect.

However, children are by nature self-centered.  "Recognizing that someone has gone out of the way for you is not a natural behavior for children -- it's learned."

So How do we teach them?

Preschoolers:

1. Toddlers learn by imitation.  If you tell them thank you every time they give you something, or do something you ask them to do, pretty soon they will surprise you with a thank you when you give them something.  The meaning behind the words isn’t there yet, but the habit is being established.

     2. At dinner or at bedtime, let them tell you the three best things (or one, if that is all they can manage) about their day.

          3.  Start thank you notes.  They can just be a scribble or a picture (augmented with your interpretation, if desired), but grandparents will be happy to know your child realizes who gave them the gift.

Grade schoolers:

When your child reaches school, it is time to learn the feelings behind the rote expressions of thanks.  They are old enough to learn empathy and appreciation.

          1. Continue having your children send Thank you notes.  They should name the gift, tell why they like it, and how they are going to use it. 

    2. Good manners and gratitude merge.  Insist on politeness and respect all around.  Teach young children to say "thank you" as part of a full sentence, for example, "Thank you, Daddy, for making dinner." Encourage school-aged kids to say thank you throughout the day, especially when you help them get ready for school or drive them to activities. Have them thank coaches for practice and music teachers for lessons. 

3. This is a good time to help them do things for others.  It may be a “secret fairy” gift to a sibling (like making their bed), baking cookies for the neighbors, talking to a shy classmate.  Prepare and deliver a homemade "thank you" to your local fire or police department, or your pediatrician’s or dentist’s office.  This teaches them empathy and to think of others as well as themselves.  Children find great happiness in planning and doing something nice for someone else.  Our grandson Jayson, who was battling cancer, asked that instead of birthday presents for himself, he could give presents to the other children in the hospital who were also battling cancer.  His parents have continued that tradition since his passing.

 4. Point out the good things in a day (that means you have to notice them too) and express gratitude.  Institute formal expressions of thanksgiving.  Create a gratitude photo book or collage. Using a smart phone or plain old camera, or pictures from magazines, gather photos of the things you’re thankful for.  Or set out a gratitude jar and let family members deposit slips of paper with their thanks written on them.  Read them occasionally.  Give your children a gratitude journal and take time daily or weekly to write in it.  At dinner or bed time, let them describe the best part of their day.  One family had a rose that would pass between family members.  They would first describe the thorns in their day, and then the roses.

 5. It’s human nature to see the glass half-empty from time to time — and children are no exception. When kids complain or gripe, acknowledge their unhappiness, and then ask them to find the silver lining.  Play Pollyanna’s glad game.  Sometimes, it’s good to look back and note the positive results of disappointing days.  It’s called an “attitude of gratitude” for a reason — it’s about perspective more than circumstance.

     6. Likewise, come home and talk about the happy parts of your day, making a conscious choice not to complain.

      7. Tame the gimmes. It may seem counter-intuitive, but when our children are not happy with all they have and only want more, it may be time to give less.  Remember the “Little House on the Prairie” Christmas’, when Laura was ecstatic to get a piece of homemade candy and knit mittens?  People who have less are more grateful for what they have.  And they put more thought into what they request. 

     8. Having too many choices breeds unhappiness– you are always wondering if you could have something better. Monitor your children's media: Our children are bombarded with age-targeted marketing that they are too young to resist or understand. Media fuels materialism. It is our job to carefully monitor their media so that they aren't dragged into marketing and made to feel incomplete or unfulfilled. 

       9. Have ‘em pitch in when they want something.  If your kids get an allowance or earn money at a job, have them participate in buying some of the things they want. When kids themselves take the time to save up, they have an ownership stake in the purchase and gain an understanding of the value of a dollar by working toward what they want. It also teaches restraint and encourages kids to appreciate what they have, as well as giving them a more realistic perspective on what you and others do for them.

     10. Thank them.  I remember thinking, one time when my mother was scolding me for something I hadn’t done, “Why don’t you ever thank me for the things I do?”  I went through a list in my mind of all the things I had done that I’d never been thanked for. Can your children make a similar list?  One mom put her thanks on sticky notes and posted them wherever the good deed was done.  After awhile, other family members started doing the same.

      11. Thank those who serve. Your example of acknowledging those who quietly make a difference in your life, from the bus driver to the person sweeping up the aftermath of a family lunch out, sends a powerful message to your children

Teens 

The first thing to remember is that teenagers’ unique developmental task is to individuate: to break away from you, the parent who is looking for a little appreciation.

Every time teens take your advice—about how to be happier, or by following your instructions for practicing gratitude—they are setting themselves up to remain dependent on you and your great wisdom.  But their main goal as teens is to get you to recognize their wisdom, their independence.  Herein lies the problem.

Gratitude makes most of us happier because it is such a social emotion; it cultivates our sense that we are connected to each other.  And social connections—ties to friends and family and neighbors—are the very stuff of happiness.  But if you are a teenager trying to prove your independence, gratitude can make you feel more beholden to your parents, which doesn’t feel good.

By this time, kid need to learn how to “own” their gratitude. With their growing need for independence, they’ll enjoy showing their appreciation and making a difference on their own terms.

1. Let teens lead.  One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to practicing gratitude—and a gratitude practice is going to be a lot less effective if it is seen as a chore or an assignment.  So tell teens you want them to design a gratitude practice for your whole family this year.  “You are old enough: You design a new tradition for us!”  And by all means, let them take the credit, even if they come up with something you suggested weeks ago. 

2. Allow snarkiness, teasing, and humor in their expressions of gratitude.  You may receive sarcastic comments like, “Well, I’m grateful I don’t have any classes with her.”  Sometimes teen gratitude is, well, a little minimalist.

3. Use gratitude to cultivate the growth mindset in difficult times.  What did you learn from that terrible experience?  What good came out of it, despite the difficulty?  The aim is to get to something along the lines of, “Thank goodness that X happened, because otherwise I wouldn’t have had Y opportunity!”

4. Help them give credit to others.  Teens tend to take credit when things go good, blame others for bad times.  Point out how others helped them reach their successes and help them take responsibility for their failures.

5. Be persistent.  When teens feel authentic gratitude, it is a positive emotion for them just like for everyone else.  When they create a gratitude practice that works for them, feelings of gratitude will become habitual, hopefully built into their daily lives.  Even if they resist heartily at first—remember, that is their job as adolescents—I have heard many, many stories of gratitude resistors who blossom into appreciative young adults.

Vicki Hoefle, director of Parenting on Track, a parent-education program based in East Middlebury, VT (and the mother of five teenagers), concurs: "As nice as it is to think about having a five-year-old who appreciates and shows gratitude for everything, the truth is, parents can feel successful if they raise a thirty-five-year-old who embodies that grateful spirit."

I recently had a grown daughter express sincere thanks for some babysitting I had done.  It felt good.

More Than a Mother

I bore nine children.  We also had 2 foster children for four years each.  I was blessed to be able to stay home to raise them.  Being a mother was my life.  Everything I did revolved around my family.  I loved being a mother.  I found value in caring for my children.  I provided opportunities for them to grow.  I was a soccer mom, watched over piano practicing, worked in the PTA and put on plays and musicals with their 

fellow gifted children at school.  

I took my children to museums, on hikes, on field trips and to operas and plays.  I taught them to work, to cook, to sew.  We camped and visited the beach and the mountains. I provided the materials and space and time for them do art and craft projects.  We had family times, went to church together, played together.  

I had my children in the days when “zero population growth” was the cry, but I knew that my children would be an asset to the world, not a drain.  They would solve problems, not create them.  As a mother, I would help them become all they could be.

Then one night our oldest son, 16 years old, didn’t come home.  The next day we got a call from a policeman in a town far away.

Our son had run away.  In the course of the next few days, we found out he was using drugs.  We put him in a long-term family-intensive drug treatment program.  It took a long time, but eventually the glow came back to his countenance, and he was clean and happy.  He finished high school and went to college.  But slowly, over the next two years, he slipped back into the druggie life.  He struggled, the light in his eyes went out.  He hated his life, and again we got a visit from a policeman.  Our son had shot himself.

Among the many terrible repercussions of that act was one I didn’t expect.  I lost my identity.  

I had been a mother.  That was who I was.  Now I was a failure as a mother.  I had failed my son.  I felt I no longer had any worth.  I was obsessed with the “should’ve, would’ve, could’ves.”  Even though my four oldest children were doing well, the three youngest were struggling with the aftermath of their older brother’s suicide.  I no longer felt that I knew how to raise them.  I doubted every decision I made with my younger children.  What if I failed them too?  If I wasn’t a good mother, who was I?  I had to re-identify myself as a person.

A statement by Boyd K. Packer started my metamorphosis.  

He said “The measure of our success as parents…will not rest solely on how our children turn out.  That judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral environment, and that now is not possible.”  

Maybe I had been a good mother.  Maybe I could still be a good mother.  And maybe I could be more than a mother.

It took several years and a conscious effort, but I now see myself as a more complete person.  I am still a mother (and now a grandmother).  I have relearned to trust my inner voice.  But I am also a child of God, who loves me.  I am a wife to a wonderful husband who sustains me.  I am a daughter and sister.  I am a friend.  When my youngest entered college, I went to work at a university lab.  

I am a scientist.  I began writing.  I am a writer.  My husband and I went on a Humanitarian Mission to South America.  I am a missionary.  I am a woman of many facets, who is also a mother.  

I am me.

Who are you?