When the Christmas Sparkle Becomes Tarnished

When my many children were little, Christmas was a big thing.  Money was tight (teacher husband, stay-at-home mom, large family), so many of our gifts were home-made.  Thrift stores, yard sales, and Black Friday marathons provided most of the rest.  I remember when my brother-in-law got his son a bike that cost more than all the gifts we had gotten for all our children.  Buying and making gifts for our eight children and our own siblings, making special breads or jams or cookies for neighbors, decorating candles or trinkets for special friends all took tons of time. We made our own ornaments for the Christmas tree and hand printed zillions of Christmas cards to send.  

We visited relatives, taking special food offerings.  We went to see Christmas light displays, visited Santa Claus in the mall.  I chauffeured children to holiday activities and helped them get the presents they wanted to give.  I volunteered to serve the needy, and at Church events.  I had to wrap all the presents individually, although my husband championed his parent’s plan to just put each child’s presents unwrapped in a mound under a sheet. Once I even had the kids create our own wrapping paper with tree-shaped potato prints.  I made advent calendars and nativity scenes, and took the children caroling to the neighbors.  We had eggs benedict for Christmas breakfast, as well as the traditional Christmas dinner.  I wanted Christmas to be special.

Sounds ideal, right? 

Then why, in this season of peace on earth and good will to men, did I turn into a crazed harassed terror?  Why did I feel more frazzled than festive?  Why did the season of wonder become the season of stress?  Why was I more depressed than joyful?

Is it possible to really enjoy the holiday season serenely?  In my older age, I think the answer is a definite yes!  We just need to change a few things.

Of course, the first answer is to simplify, but that is easier said than done.  We want to build family traditions, give generous gifts to those we love, make our homes festive, beautiful, and bright, bake wonderful treats, share with friends and neighbors, volunteer to serve the needy.  Schools and work and churches and social groups have extra activities which require our time and efforts on top of our everyday busy schedules.  What can we possible leave out?

1.     Make a list and divide it into two parts: “must do” and “want to do.

Sometimes we do things just because we always have, turning December into a mad whirl of non-stop Christmas preparations and activities.  If the things on your list that you have to do outnumber the things that you want to do, it’s time to eliminate some of these activities.  It’s time to do less and enjoy more.

We go overboard to please others during the holidays: shopping, cooking, sending cards, and attending every event,” says George Pratt, PhD, a psychologist at Scripps Memorial Hospital La Jolla.  “Instead, take care of yourself by saying no at least once—and maybe more.”  Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed.

Reflect on what you cherish most about the holidays.  When you know your priorities, you can turn down the less important things.  It’s easier to say ‘no’ if you know what you’re saying ‘yes’ to.  You may choose a movie and hot chocolate with the family over another holiday party.  

You don’t have to say what your “other plans” are.  Just do what makes you feel good inside.

2.    Get help

Ask for help, and then accept their imperfections.  Who says you have to personally wrap all the Christmas gifts, do all the baking, trim the tree by yourself.  OK, maybe your husband can’t make a square corner on the gift wrapping, or all the ornaments on the tree are on the same side, or you can’t tell the cookie Santa from Rudolf, at least you are a little saner.  

If you are filthy rich (or choose this way, for sanity’s sake, to spend the scant funds you have), you can patronize a local bakery, hire a cleaning service, or have your party or dinner catered.

Get guests to help.  Most would rather be helping setting the table, stirring a soup, or setting out appetizers than sitting in the other room waiting while you do it all.  And if anyone offers to help clean up, jump at the gift.

3.    Let go of expectations. 

People are overcommitted,” says Marc D. Skelton, PhD, PsyD. In Laguna Niguel, Calif.  “Christmas and other holidays around this time are always supposed to be fun…”, and it’s your responsibility to live up to the season’s tall orders.  Stop obsessing over doing it all.  The world is not going to end if the house is a little cluttered or dinner is on the table a few minutes late.  “Focus your energy on enjoying the people in your life,” says Donna Schempp, the program director for the Family Caregiver Alliance.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  It’s small.

4.    Turn chores into events. 

Whatever holiday activity you find drudgery, try to make it special and different.  (Make Christmas baking a family affair).  Take a deep breath and savor the moment as you take part in trimming the tree or preparing the Chanukah cookies with your kids.  Give yourself permission to forget about all those tasks still on your to-do list.

5.    Slow down. 

You don’t have to do it all at once.  One family makes tree trimming an ongoing event.  The tree is set up and the ornaments set out.  Then whoever wants to, hangs a few on the tree when they feel like it.  It may take two weeks, but it is fully decorated by Christmas Eve.

Write say five Christmas cards a day.  In one week, that’s 35 cards.  If you send out more than that, you need a secretary.

Sure you want your home to look great for guests, but don’t fall prey to holiday house fever.  “That’s when you try to do too much in too little time,” explains Cynthia Ewer, editor of OrganizedChristmas.com.  Ewer suggests, “Cross off anything on your household prep list that will take more than a half-hour to do.  The goal is to spiff up the house a little, not turn it into a showroom." showroom.” 

When cleaning my house for an upcoming party, I suddenly see it from a guest’s point of view and notice things I have let slide.  (How long has that sock been on the mantle?)  So I just do a little deep cleaning each day, and then only the things that would embarrass me.  I wash the fingerprint decorated windows one day, and the grease marks and dried pancake batter off the cupboard doors another day or two.  

Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends, and other activities.  Plan your menus and then make your shopping list so you don’t have to waste time scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients.

6.    Revisit traditions.

If you’re dragging your kids off to see The Nutcracker—it’s a tradition!—but they’re whining every step of the way, make a switch.  It’s less about the event itself and more about time together.  As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well.  Hold on to your favorites, and be open to creating new ones.  Just because mom baked a thousand cookies to give to everyone she knew, doesn’t mean you are obligated to do so.

7.    Do something that makes you happy. 

Laugh and be merry.  Laughing like crazy reduces stress hormones.  

That, in turn, helps immune cells function better, says psychologist Steve Wilson, founder of the World Laughter Tour, an organization that offers therapeutic-laughter training.  Have fun.  Remember, it’s your Christmas too.  If things don’t go to plan, don’t worry.  Laugh about them and make them into fun memories that you can talk about during Christmases to come, like the time I gave my daughter a toy ironing board and iron, and she didn’t know what it was.  (OK, I hate to iron).

8.    Stick to a budget. 

Decide ahead of time how much money you can afford to spend.  Don’t try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts.

9.    Stay healthy. 

Don’t let the holidays become a free-for-all orgy of overindulgence.  It only adds to your stress and guilt.  At this time of year it’s all too easy to drink too much eggnog and scarf down too many cookies.  Soon you are eating because it’s there and you hardly notice it, let alone enjoy it.  Relish a bite or two, then leave the food area.  Savor what you eat, but don’t eat beyond what you can savor.  Too much sugar can cause blood sugar highs and lows, leaving you feeling more anxious and less able to handle stress.

10. Exercise.

Exercise is a great stress reducer as it burns off hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline and produces mood-enhancing endorphins.  Sunlight also stimulates the production of feel-good serotonin.  Try going for a walk outside after lunch.  “The rhythm and repetition of walking has a tranquilizing effect on your brain and decreases anxiety and improves sleep,” says nutrition-and-wellness expert Ann Kulze, MD. 

11. Relax

Take time to do whatever relaxes you.  A walk, deep breathing, a nap, soothing music, a bath, reading a book.  Research from the Univ. of Maryland shows that hearing music you love can relax blood vessels and increase blood flow.  That calms you down and is good for your heart too.

12. Other standard stress relievers.

Think positive instead of focusing on the bad.  So Aunt Elsie spoiled the family dinner with her cutting remarks, at least the mashed potatoes were outstanding.  Negative thinking can trigger your body’s stress response, just as a real threat does.  Also, you see more of what you focus on.  Look for the good; that’s what you see.  Notice the bad; it seems to be all around you.

When stress is bottled up for too long it can lead to health issues such as back pain from excessive muscle tension, headaches and a weakened immune system.  So find a release.  It can be getting in your car and screaming for about five seconds.  Or a few minutes of dancing, singing, or deep breathing.  When we’re stressed out, our heart beat increases and our breathing shallows.  Deep breathing reverses the process.  Breathe in deeply through your nose, hold for 15 seconds, then breathe slowly out through your mouth.  As you breathe, think, “In goes the peace, out goes the stress.”

Certain citrus fragrances boost feelings of well-being and alleviate stress by upping levels of nor-epinephrine, a hormone that affects mood.  Cut a lemon, light a citrus candle, or dab a little lemon or orange essential oil on a handkerchief to tuck in your shirt pocket.

13.  Last of all, stay away from Pinterest and Holiday Magazines that tell you you have to make candy cane and pipe cleaner treble clefs for the kid’s piano teacher, poinsettias from vintage piano music and mercury glass, or any other one of the 1147 best Christmas crafts that you would have never thought of doing before viewing them made you feel guilty for not doing them.  It’s OK to not check.

Get the Christmas Sparkle back.  Make the holiday season a joy, not an ordeal.

(OK, we'll never look like this, except maybe for the smile.  Let it sparkle!)