A Scout Leader's Views on Raising Boys

   I had three girls, then three boys, then three more girls.  (I quit then, in spite of my boy’s request for three more boys.)  When I had my first three girls, I thought that gender differences in children were due to how they were raised.  I gave my daughters trucks as well as tea sets, balls as well as dolls. 

 

But when my first boy came, I found I was wrong.  Boys are just fundamentally different than girls.  Think of their respective reaction to farts.

 

At a recent family reunion, my son-in-law, who has been a Boy Scout leader for 24 years and absolutely loves boys, spoke to us about his experiences with boys and what he has learned about their needs.  He will here after be named Intrepid Scout Leader (ISL).  I wish I had understood these things when my boys were young. 

Society is not welcoming to boys.  Boys tend to be aggressive, rowdy, court danger, take risks.  This doesn’t play well in a school, a church, or even a home setting, where we want obedience, compliance, order, and peace. 

 

Boys, ISL states, need a place where it’s OK to—well—to be boys.

Boys want to be part of a tribe.  Tribal needs can lead to bullying or gangs.  Boys crave to be part of a group and have a place in it.  It is beneficial to provide a safer “tribe” opportunity for boys, whether it be Boy Scouts, sports team, clubs, or just a group of good friends. 

Group recognition is important to boys.  They are motivated to not let the group down. It’s even better if they can earn a nickname for something great they have done.  One boy, on a winter camp-out, was tireless in digging out a snow cave.  It is cold, wet, awkward, hard work, but he kept at it.  ISL told him he was a digging maniac and they called him Badger. 

 Another boy became the “Night Ninja” when he performed well in a game during a camp-out where the boys had to sneak up on their leader without him hearing them.  Another scout asked why he didn’t have a nickname.  “You have to earn it,” he was told.  It motivated him to excel.

Boys are more capable that we think.  Even the goofiest boys want to do serious things, important things that mean something.  Give them responsibilities, not jobs. ISL, for example, would ask a boy to be in charge of dinner rather than just ask him to open cans, start the stove, or do chores.  Another boy would have the responsibility of picking their camp site and making sure everyone is safely tented in for the night, not told to pound tent stakes.  He would put another boy in charge of navigating and getting them to their camping area, not just take a compass reading.  Responsibilities require more planning, forward thinking, and there’s more room for exercise of judgement and more room to mess up.  The harder something is, the higher the stakes, the more important it is to let them do it.  Then step back.  Don’t rescue them.  The group motivation will drive them to do more than we thought they could.  Let them experience the consequences of failure.  For example, 

No fire, no dinner.

 Build a makeshift bridge across a creek.  If it fails, people get wet.  Don’t put the rain fly on your tent; you get wet if it rains. 

While navigating, he will let the boys go the wrong way for a long time before he points it out.

Boys have a need to do things that are risky and exciting, things that have negative consequences.  They need to be allowed to fail.  If there is no risk of failing, the consequences don’t mean anything.  ISL will typically drop hints and give suggestions, but will leave most decisions to the discretion of the boys.  He jumps in quicker if he sees they are truly trying and failing, as opposed to not paying attention.  The only time he steps in is to protect them from serious bodily harm and/or fire danger.

Boys need to be in nature.  When they are in the wilderness, tired, scared, the Spiritual is magnified.  They are awed by Deity when in the nature He created.

So, what can you, as a mom of boys, do for them? Can you find a good tribe for them to belong to?   Can you give them important things to do?  Is it possible to let them fail more often?  Recognize their accomplishments?  How can you turn their minds to spiritual things?  Can you accept that boys need to be boys?

All the stuff that drives you crazy about boys are the things that will make them fine responsible successful men.