The Gift of Service

I read the following story last week.  The names are changed.

Ruth stated:

Lee was deployed with the Marines in Afghanistan and Christmas during this time was a difficult one for me.  David and Sally, our two children, and I put together a care package with presents to send to Lee, hoping it would get to him by Christmas.  

When I mailed it off, I felt incredible melancholy.  I could not seem to feel joy and gratitude as I heard Christmas songs and watched those around me getting excited.  I felt only bitterness, so I didn’t put up a Christmas tree or many decorations, and could not gather or create enough excitement to help my children feel the spirit of Christmas as I continued to focus on my own sense of loneliness.

Before Christmas, someone started putting Christmas presents outside our door.  Every night a new present arrived with the giver vanishing before we could get there.  

David and Sally looked forward to this surprise every night.  I still don’t know who was leaving these presents for us, or if they know the impact they had, but they taught me a valuable lesson about service and kindness.

Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up, as I was.  As we forget ourselves in service to others, we are the ones who flourish and grow.  When I think of some of life’s happiest and peaceful moments for me, they involve doing service and kind acts for people around me.  Being kind and serving others causes us to listen to other people—not just to hear what they’re saying, but to listen to what is not being said.  Being able to alleviate someone’s suffering and sense of loneliness is a gift that we can give to those around us.”

A woman said, “I feel blessed to understand that when I am giving to others I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself.” 

“If you don’t want to be sad or angry at your situation, the way to fix that isn’t staying in that place,” says Emma Anderson, from Los Angeles.  “It’s by getting out and helping someone else because it helps you not be selfish, and not think about your own problems.  It’s almost like a distraction, but it’s one that will heal you.”

When we want to heal the soul, turning inward doesn’t work.  The triage of soul healing is found in turning outward to people.  One man said, “I was at a point where I needed healing.  I was asked to serve a woman with MS by helping put her to bed, night after night.  After time, what seemed like an incredible burden became my balm.  That’s what service does—it heals us.”

Losing ourselves in service to others gives purpose to our own lives.  Another said, “We become more substantive as we serve.  It’s easier to find ourselves because there’s so much more of us to find.”

It’s easy to become self-focused.  Our needs, our wants, our desires and ambitions can be so consuming that they crowd out other people.  We often drown in things that can be so superficial.  Of course we want to improve our life and have goals.  But when our pursuit of personal growth and happiness causes us to ignore others, our selfishness leads to stagnation, not growth; despair, not happiness, and ultimately, loneliness.  Neal A. Maxwell put it this way: “Why worry about selfishness?  Because selfishness is really self-destruction in slow motion.”  (Music and the Spoken Word)

So often we are so wrapped up in what we are doing that we don’t see another’s needs.  We are blinded to their loneliness or sadness or hurt or pain.  We are so focused on what we lack that we don’t see what another lacks.  One church leader said, “First observe, then serve.”

We can’t recognize another’s need if we don’t see it.  Ferris Bueller said it clearly: “Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

First, we must see—see those who are invisible and see those who need to be encouraged, lifted, and healed.

Second, we must be willing to interrupt our business, even for only a moment, while we are on our way to do something else.

Third, we must act through love. The more we love, the greater our capacity to love becomes. The more love we share, the more love we will have to give.

Service can be expensive and time consuming, but it doesn’t have to be. 

A young man was caught up in the fervor of the California gold rush.  He sold all his possessions to seek his fortune in the California rivers, which he was told were filled with gold nuggets so big that one could hardly carry them.

Day after endless day, the young man dipped his pan into the river and came up empty.  His only reward was a growing pile of rocks.  Discouraged and broke, he was ready to quit.  

Then an old prospector with a bulging leather pouch fastened to his waist, said to him, “That’s quite a pile of rocks you are getting there, my boy.”

“There’s no gold here.  I’m going back home.”

Walking over to the pile of rocks, the old prospector said, “Oh, there is gold all right.  You just have to know where to find it.”  He picked up two rocks and knocked them together.  One of the rocks split open, revealing several streaks of gold sparkling in the sunlight.

“That’s next to nothing,” said the young man.  “I’m looking for nuggets like the ones in your pouch, not just tiny flecks.”

The old prospector handed his pouch to the young man, who looked inside expecting to see several large nuggets.  He was stunned to see that the pouch was filled with thousands of flecks of gold.

“Son,” the old prospector said, “You’re so busy looking for nuggets that you’re plum missing out on filling your pouch with these tiny flecks of gold.”

“By small and simple things are great things brought to pass… And by very small means the Lord bringeth about the salvation of many souls.” (Alma 37:6-7)


So how can we collect the gold flecks of service?

First, charity begins at home.  Here is where we learn to practice the Golden Rule to treat all as we would wish to be treated.  None of us want to be on the receiving end of thoughtless words or actions, so we shouldn’t shame, put down, or be sarcastic to our children or husbands.  It is our example that can teach our family members to have love one for another.

Rachel, a new mother, said that one day she really wanted to go out and lift someone else's burden, but her baby was sick.  "Instead of getting frustrated or anxious about not being able to go out, I rocked him in my arms, sang him my favorite Christmas hymns, played patty-cake.  I am so grateful to be his mom; to be the one who gets to lift his every burden. I thank God for the opportunity I have to serve my sweet baby."

Other places where we have ample opportunity to serve is in our church and communities.  By treating each other kindly, speaking words of support and encouragement, and being sensitive to each other’s needs, we can create loving unity.  Where charity exists, there is no place for gossip or unkind words or deeds.

Church and community members can unite in meaningful service to bless the lives of others.  If you want to join with others in community service, ample opportunities are found at JustServe.org.

“…we are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness—be they family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers.  We are the Lord’s hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children.  He is dependent upon each of us.”  Thomas Monson

Kirt Saville stated:

·       Service should be given with a smile and with no expectation of a return

·       Too often we pass by opportunities to serve because we can’t see them.

·       Service is seldom convenient.

I have found that when a service is needed, it is often at the worst possible time.  I am on a deadline, or have a meeting, or something that has to be done today.  

If we put off serving until a convenient time, it is often too late.  I wanted to take a meal to my neighbor who was sick.  Life was hectic and I kept postponing the meal, until she was better and didn't need me.  I felt so bad.  When I take time to serve when it is needed, I find the other things I need to do somehow get done.  Life just gets a little more compressed.

“God bless us during this glad season with an increase of love, with a decrease of selfishness, with an enlarged sense of service, and a greater desire to be helpful to those in distress.” (Heber C. Kimball)

Ruth’s story at the beginning of this blog ends with these words: “I am grateful for the opportunities that I have to serve and find ways to be kind to those around me.  I am grateful for the times I have been a recipient of these gifts of service from those who could see my suffering and have taught me that seemingly small acts, kind words, and friendly smiles can have profound influence on those around us in our homes, among our friends and neighbors and communities.”

When the Christmas Sparkle Becomes Tarnished

When my many children were little, Christmas was a big thing.  Money was tight (teacher husband, stay-at-home mom, large family), so many of our gifts were home-made.  Thrift stores, yard sales, and Black Friday marathons provided most of the rest.  I remember when my brother-in-law got his son a bike that cost more than all the gifts we had gotten for all our children.  Buying and making gifts for our eight children and our own siblings, making special breads or jams or cookies for neighbors, decorating candles or trinkets for special friends all took tons of time. We made our own ornaments for the Christmas tree and hand printed zillions of Christmas cards to send.  

We visited relatives, taking special food offerings.  We went to see Christmas light displays, visited Santa Claus in the mall.  I chauffeured children to holiday activities and helped them get the presents they wanted to give.  I volunteered to serve the needy, and at Church events.  I had to wrap all the presents individually, although my husband championed his parent’s plan to just put each child’s presents unwrapped in a mound under a sheet. Once I even had the kids create our own wrapping paper with tree-shaped potato prints.  I made advent calendars and nativity scenes, and took the children caroling to the neighbors.  We had eggs benedict for Christmas breakfast, as well as the traditional Christmas dinner.  I wanted Christmas to be special.

Sounds ideal, right? 

Then why, in this season of peace on earth and good will to men, did I turn into a crazed harassed terror?  Why did I feel more frazzled than festive?  Why did the season of wonder become the season of stress?  Why was I more depressed than joyful?

Is it possible to really enjoy the holiday season serenely?  In my older age, I think the answer is a definite yes!  We just need to change a few things.

Of course, the first answer is to simplify, but that is easier said than done.  We want to build family traditions, give generous gifts to those we love, make our homes festive, beautiful, and bright, bake wonderful treats, share with friends and neighbors, volunteer to serve the needy.  Schools and work and churches and social groups have extra activities which require our time and efforts on top of our everyday busy schedules.  What can we possible leave out?

1.     Make a list and divide it into two parts: “must do” and “want to do.

Sometimes we do things just because we always have, turning December into a mad whirl of non-stop Christmas preparations and activities.  If the things on your list that you have to do outnumber the things that you want to do, it’s time to eliminate some of these activities.  It’s time to do less and enjoy more.

We go overboard to please others during the holidays: shopping, cooking, sending cards, and attending every event,” says George Pratt, PhD, a psychologist at Scripps Memorial Hospital La Jolla.  “Instead, take care of yourself by saying no at least once—and maybe more.”  Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed.

Reflect on what you cherish most about the holidays.  When you know your priorities, you can turn down the less important things.  It’s easier to say ‘no’ if you know what you’re saying ‘yes’ to.  You may choose a movie and hot chocolate with the family over another holiday party.  

You don’t have to say what your “other plans” are.  Just do what makes you feel good inside.

2.    Get help

Ask for help, and then accept their imperfections.  Who says you have to personally wrap all the Christmas gifts, do all the baking, trim the tree by yourself.  OK, maybe your husband can’t make a square corner on the gift wrapping, or all the ornaments on the tree are on the same side, or you can’t tell the cookie Santa from Rudolf, at least you are a little saner.  

If you are filthy rich (or choose this way, for sanity’s sake, to spend the scant funds you have), you can patronize a local bakery, hire a cleaning service, or have your party or dinner catered.

Get guests to help.  Most would rather be helping setting the table, stirring a soup, or setting out appetizers than sitting in the other room waiting while you do it all.  And if anyone offers to help clean up, jump at the gift.

3.    Let go of expectations. 

People are overcommitted,” says Marc D. Skelton, PhD, PsyD. In Laguna Niguel, Calif.  “Christmas and other holidays around this time are always supposed to be fun…”, and it’s your responsibility to live up to the season’s tall orders.  Stop obsessing over doing it all.  The world is not going to end if the house is a little cluttered or dinner is on the table a few minutes late.  “Focus your energy on enjoying the people in your life,” says Donna Schempp, the program director for the Family Caregiver Alliance.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  It’s small.

4.    Turn chores into events. 

Whatever holiday activity you find drudgery, try to make it special and different.  (Make Christmas baking a family affair).  Take a deep breath and savor the moment as you take part in trimming the tree or preparing the Chanukah cookies with your kids.  Give yourself permission to forget about all those tasks still on your to-do list.

5.    Slow down. 

You don’t have to do it all at once.  One family makes tree trimming an ongoing event.  The tree is set up and the ornaments set out.  Then whoever wants to, hangs a few on the tree when they feel like it.  It may take two weeks, but it is fully decorated by Christmas Eve.

Write say five Christmas cards a day.  In one week, that’s 35 cards.  If you send out more than that, you need a secretary.

Sure you want your home to look great for guests, but don’t fall prey to holiday house fever.  “That’s when you try to do too much in too little time,” explains Cynthia Ewer, editor of OrganizedChristmas.com.  Ewer suggests, “Cross off anything on your household prep list that will take more than a half-hour to do.  The goal is to spiff up the house a little, not turn it into a showroom." showroom.” 

When cleaning my house for an upcoming party, I suddenly see it from a guest’s point of view and notice things I have let slide.  (How long has that sock been on the mantle?)  So I just do a little deep cleaning each day, and then only the things that would embarrass me.  I wash the fingerprint decorated windows one day, and the grease marks and dried pancake batter off the cupboard doors another day or two.  

Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends, and other activities.  Plan your menus and then make your shopping list so you don’t have to waste time scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients.

6.    Revisit traditions.

If you’re dragging your kids off to see The Nutcracker—it’s a tradition!—but they’re whining every step of the way, make a switch.  It’s less about the event itself and more about time together.  As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well.  Hold on to your favorites, and be open to creating new ones.  Just because mom baked a thousand cookies to give to everyone she knew, doesn’t mean you are obligated to do so.

7.    Do something that makes you happy. 

Laugh and be merry.  Laughing like crazy reduces stress hormones.  

That, in turn, helps immune cells function better, says psychologist Steve Wilson, founder of the World Laughter Tour, an organization that offers therapeutic-laughter training.  Have fun.  Remember, it’s your Christmas too.  If things don’t go to plan, don’t worry.  Laugh about them and make them into fun memories that you can talk about during Christmases to come, like the time I gave my daughter a toy ironing board and iron, and she didn’t know what it was.  (OK, I hate to iron).

8.    Stick to a budget. 

Decide ahead of time how much money you can afford to spend.  Don’t try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts.

9.    Stay healthy. 

Don’t let the holidays become a free-for-all orgy of overindulgence.  It only adds to your stress and guilt.  At this time of year it’s all too easy to drink too much eggnog and scarf down too many cookies.  Soon you are eating because it’s there and you hardly notice it, let alone enjoy it.  Relish a bite or two, then leave the food area.  Savor what you eat, but don’t eat beyond what you can savor.  Too much sugar can cause blood sugar highs and lows, leaving you feeling more anxious and less able to handle stress.

10. Exercise.

Exercise is a great stress reducer as it burns off hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline and produces mood-enhancing endorphins.  Sunlight also stimulates the production of feel-good serotonin.  Try going for a walk outside after lunch.  “The rhythm and repetition of walking has a tranquilizing effect on your brain and decreases anxiety and improves sleep,” says nutrition-and-wellness expert Ann Kulze, MD. 

11. Relax

Take time to do whatever relaxes you.  A walk, deep breathing, a nap, soothing music, a bath, reading a book.  Research from the Univ. of Maryland shows that hearing music you love can relax blood vessels and increase blood flow.  That calms you down and is good for your heart too.

12. Other standard stress relievers.

Think positive instead of focusing on the bad.  So Aunt Elsie spoiled the family dinner with her cutting remarks, at least the mashed potatoes were outstanding.  Negative thinking can trigger your body’s stress response, just as a real threat does.  Also, you see more of what you focus on.  Look for the good; that’s what you see.  Notice the bad; it seems to be all around you.

When stress is bottled up for too long it can lead to health issues such as back pain from excessive muscle tension, headaches and a weakened immune system.  So find a release.  It can be getting in your car and screaming for about five seconds.  Or a few minutes of dancing, singing, or deep breathing.  When we’re stressed out, our heart beat increases and our breathing shallows.  Deep breathing reverses the process.  Breathe in deeply through your nose, hold for 15 seconds, then breathe slowly out through your mouth.  As you breathe, think, “In goes the peace, out goes the stress.”

Certain citrus fragrances boost feelings of well-being and alleviate stress by upping levels of nor-epinephrine, a hormone that affects mood.  Cut a lemon, light a citrus candle, or dab a little lemon or orange essential oil on a handkerchief to tuck in your shirt pocket.

13.  Last of all, stay away from Pinterest and Holiday Magazines that tell you you have to make candy cane and pipe cleaner treble clefs for the kid’s piano teacher, poinsettias from vintage piano music and mercury glass, or any other one of the 1147 best Christmas crafts that you would have never thought of doing before viewing them made you feel guilty for not doing them.  It’s OK to not check.

Get the Christmas Sparkle back.  Make the holiday season a joy, not an ordeal.

(OK, we'll never look like this, except maybe for the smile.  Let it sparkle!)