DO KIDS NEED PARENTS WHO LOVE EACH OTHER?

Many of us have an ailing marriage because we haven’t put in the effort to make it better.  We take our husbands for granted, we let his irritating habits loom larger than our love, our lives pass each other like ships passing in the night, with hardly a friendly toot in the passing.  Have we gotten out of the habit of nurturing our marriages?  Those little eyes and ears are picking up everything.  Do you like what you and your husband are teaching?

“Children are like emotional Geiger counters,” says E. Mark Cummings, psychologist at Notre Dame University.  Kids pay close attention to their parents’ emotions for information about how safe they are in the family.  How much more secure a child will feel when his parents love and treasure each other, encourage and pray for each other, than in a home filled with yelling, demeaning words, complaints and antipathy.

Remember when your spouse was your top priority?  You rearranged your schedules to be together, you had little surprises, you went out of your way to perform thoughtful gestures on his behalf.  I called my husband my Big Brown Bear and we traced “I love you” in each other’s hands with our fingers.  We loved to dance together, study together, take walks together, hold each other, and just be together.  It was like an extended commercial for Hallmark cards with everything in soft focus.  We knew love and trust could surmount any challenge.

Then we had kids.  My children are as lovely and magical as yours, but their incessant demands made focusing on my husband feel like a luxury.  “It’s the reality of many parents, especially moms, that the care of children leaves no energy, time, or even desire to invest in their marriage,” says Sheryl Kayne, who runs parenting workshops in Connecticut.  With dual careers and commitments, an endless list of extracurricular activities, and an infinite number of distractions (include Pinterest, Facebook, Dancing with the Stars), couple time often gets shelved.

So what?  The Center for Law and Social Policy found: “…studies support the notion that, on average, children do best when raised by their two married biological parents…  Research indicates that, on average, children who grow up in families with both their biological parents in a low-conflict marriage are better off in a number of ways than children who grow up in single-, step or cohabiting-parent households.”

Sociologist Paul Amato explains, “Specifically, compared with children who grow up in stable, two-parent families, children born outside marriage reach adulthood with less education, earn less income, have lower occupational status, are more likely to be idle (not employed and not in school), are more likely to have a non-marital birth (among daughters), have more troubled marriages, experience higher rates of divorce, and report more symptoms of depression…  Research clearly demonstrates that children growing up with two continuously married parents are less likely than other children to experience a wide range of cognitive, emotional, and social problems, not only during childhood, but also in adulthood.”

I know many of you are single mothers for one reason or another.  I applaud you while I hurt for you.  I know that sometimes divorce is a necessary answer to marital problems.  I have some suggestions for you at the end of this article. 

However, the research is clear: If we are concerned about elevating the well-being and life opportunities for children, we must be concerned about the health and strength of our marriage.

Pope Francis taught: “Dear parents, your children need to discover by watching you that it is beautiful to love another.”  Children watch their parents carefully, he said.  “They watch a lot and when they see that dad and mum love each other, the children grow in that climate of love, happiness and security.”  Children, he said, need to see their parents kiss each other, compliment each other, and resolve arguments peacefully.

Remaining a couple over the long term takes effort on both sides.  It requires commitment and compromise, communication and cooperation, especially as life tends to throw curveballs when we least expect them.  So what can we, as wives and mothers, do to cultivate a healthy marriage?

A. The most important starting point is for Mom and Dad to love and respect each other.  Why?  Because so much of the identity of our children is wrapped up in Mom and Dad.  So much of their security is knowing that Mom and Dad really love each other.

I heard about a lady who started keeping a list on her phone of all the things that her husband did that irritated her.  She planned to confront him with this huge list in order to make him want to change.  However, one day she realized that listing his faults was just chasing her love away.  It took a long time for her to click on “select all.”  It took another long time before she could make herself hit “delete”.  

But as soon as the list was gone, she felt a new love for her husband.  What she could have done next was start a list of all the things she appreciated about her husband.

It goes without saying that your kids need and deserve your love.  But, your husband needs to come first.  This is tough for some mothers to hear, but just about every relationship expert agrees.  Of course, there are times when a child’s immediate needs might come first momentarily, but ultimately the marriage bond has to be paramount.  When it’s the other way around, bad things happen.  When kids are the center of your universe, they grow up thinking they are the center of the universe.  They are likely to grow arrogant and self-centered.  This can cause real problems when they’re older and enter the “real” world.


Kids are so sensitive and observant, they pick up everything.  

And they model what we do.  If a boy sees his father treating his mother poorly, he is likely to believe that’s an acceptable way to treat women.  And if a girl sees her mother disrespecting her father, she’s more likely to disrespect all men.  Compare this to kids who see their parents expressing true love toward one another and what they will grow up believing.

Knowing that their parents are a united pair provides security.  As long as things are good with Mom and Dad, kids feel like they can face anything.

B. We need to realize that men are different than women.  We think differently, we have different priorities, we act differently, the same words mean different things to each of us.  And that’s a good thing.  But we will be in trouble if we expect our husbands to be the same as our girlfriends.  It works a whole lot better if we see their strengths and abilities in their differentness instead of bemoaning that they aren’t like us.  Men like to be appreciated and admired.  They are usually not good with expressing feelings.

C. We need to find out what makes them feel loved and then do it.  When my husband and I first married, I tried to show my love by fixing him elaborate meals.  One day I spent all afternoon making a peeled grape and pomegranate salad, because I loved him.  Did that make him feel loved?  He thoroughly enjoyed the meals I made, but it did not convey to him the love I felt.  What he wanted was to be touched.  He showed his love to me by giving me back rubs and foot rubs.  

Did that make me feel loved?  They felt great and I appreciated them, but that wasn’t what made me feel loved.  For me, it was acts of caring…when he helped me with the dishes, or offered to put the children to bed.  Once we discovered what made each other feel loved, we were better able to express our love in a way that felt like love.  Your husband’s love language may be words of love, or gifts, or something off the wall.  Learn what makes him feel loved.

D. Good old date night.  We need to spend time together.  “It requires effort to remain friends, lovers, and connected partners,” insists Kayne.  “The relationship you build with your partner creates the foundation for your family, so you want it to be a strong one.  You may think that your children will resent this time away from them, but when kids grow up knowing their parents love and make time for each other, it provides a sense of security that nothing else can.”

My son and his wife have six children.  They work to have time together.  Their weekly date night might just be a walk together, or a trip to the library or McDonalds.  Their children each have learned to make at least one dish and they get to plan and cook dinner for date night.  They feel a part in strengthening their parent’s marriage.  My son and his wife also have an annual “mini-moon.”  They have sit down dinners together.  When the children are in bed, they play games together. 

Sometimes my children would set up a fancy table complete with menu for my husband and I for special occasions and act as waiters and waitresses for us.

You can even be outrageous with each other.  Once I arranged a surprise over-night trip to Catalina.  We couldn’t afford a hotel, so we camped.  I made a picnic lunch to eat on the boat over.  We still remember that weekend.  Another time, I took belly dancing classes and made a costume so I could perform (in private) for him.  I probably shouldn't have told you that, but it was fun.

E.  Be affectionate with each other.  Hold his hand, hug, kiss, laugh and be silly, baby him when he’s sick, say “I love you”.  This non-sexual affection is a nice reminder that Mom and Dad really love each other.  But keep it PG.  Save the sexy stuff for when you two are alone.

“When a child grows up in a home that is loving in many ways—through physical touch, kind words and deeds, thoughtful acts of service for one another—they will naturally be drawn to a life partner who holds these qualities,” says Day.  “It will become the child’s barometer for what a spouse should be because it is what he knows.”

F.  Argue in a healthy manner.  Not healthy is name calling, insults, threats of abandonment, threats of violence, hitting, pushing, avoidance, walking out, sulking, withdrawing, anger and hateful feelings.  Everyone can see those are destructive to a relationship.

I was blessed to have a marriage where my husband never raised his voice to me, never demeaned me.  We never fought. He was nice.  I was nice.  Maybe too nice.  We didn’t want to hurt each other’s feelings so we didn’t talk about what was bothering us.  And nothing got better.

“Showing our children how to handle conflict effectively is one of the greatest gifts we can give them,” insists Dr. Lieberman.  “I have worked with numerous patients who grew up in homes where their parents never openly communicated differences.  These kids ‘learned’ that you must always agree with your loved ones.  So when they have disagreements later on in their own lives, they assume the relationship is ruined or that there’s something wrong with them.”

Mastering the art of empathic listening works to smooth ruffled feathers and also shows respect.  Mild conflict that involves support and compromise and positive emotions reassures kids that parents can work things through.  When you do this right, you reinforce the concept of unconditional love by showing that you can argue and still be OK.

If you are a single mother, is your child doomed?  Of course not.  There are countless successful happy people who were raised by a determined and dedicated single mother.  It is harder, but you can do it.  There is one thing that you can do that will help.

Pope Francis said that even if couples are unable to live together, they must find a way to work together harmoniously.  “Please, do not use your children as hostages!” he said.  “Never, ever speak ill of the other to your children!  Never!  They are the first victims of this battle between you.”  This means that even if you’re divorced, don’t make the mistake of tearing down your child by tearing down your ex.  Build up your child by portraying your ex in the best possible light, even when it is difficult.

You should also honor those other men in your child’s life: teachers, coaches, grandfathers, uncles, neighbors, friends.

This September, my husband and I will have been married for fifty-five years.  Our love is so much deeper, so much richer, more precious now than when we naively fell in love years ago.  There were times when we didn’t “feel” love, but love is more than a feeling.  It is a verb.  It is doing loving things.  The knowledge and remembrance of our love took us past those times to where we could feel it again and rejoice in being together.

Five Steps to Develop Well-adjusted Children from Harvard Study

1. Hang out with your children.

I was blessed to be a stay at home mom.  But sometimes I found that with PTA presidency, church and community volunteering, shopping, cooking and cleaning, and my own projects, the kids didn’t get a lot of my time.  One year I was treasurer for the high school choir where my daughters sang.  It involved time-consuming fund raising.  One daughter asked why I was never home and intimated that I didn’t care much about them since I was always gone.  It didn’t matter to her that what I was doing was for her benefit, it only mattered that I wasn’t there for her.

Spending time with your children means putting everything down.  It doesn’t count if you take your younger child to the park and then sit on a bench with your tablet.  They want interaction: playing tag, pushing on the swings, admiring their daring on the bars. 

It means showing affection, respecting their individual personalities, taking a genuine interest in their lives, talking about things that matter, and affirming their efforts and achievements.

My sister-in-law had a great relationship with her children.  When her teens came home from a date, they would look forward to sharing with her the details, and she would be so excited for them.  My children, on the other hand, when asked about how it went would say, “Fine.”  Period.  It could be that rather than affirming their efforts and being excited for them, I would be judgmental and preachy.  Hmm.

Spending time with them means reading a book with them when they’re younger, or reading a book they like when they are older so you can discuss it with them.  It means hiking, kicking a ball, or just playing an old-fashioned board game.  It means that you interact with your kid person-to-person. Think back to your own childhood.  What are your precious memories?  Chances are they aren’t what your parents bought you, but time you spent together, family vacations, one-on-one times with Mom or Dad.

How can a busy Mom squeeze this into her schedule when there is so much to do?  One way is to include them in what you are doing.  Have them help fix dinner, or plant in the garden.  When there are chores to do, do them together instead of sending them to do the chores alone.  Take them with you when you go on errands and talk together in the car.  Have them assist in any project you are doing.  It is always more difficult and takes longer to have your children “help”, but what are your priorities?  You are developing a child, both training them in skills, and letting them know they are valued.

Spending time with your children is really the foundation of everything else.  Ask them open-ended questions about themselves, about the world and how they see it, and actively listen to their responses.  Accept their views, even if they are different than your own.  Not only will you learn all sorts of things that make your child unique, you’ll also be demonstrating to them how to show care and concern for another person.

2.     Say it out loud.

If it’s important, say it out loud.  You may feel that they should know that you love them because of all the things you do for them, but they take that for granted.  They need to hear the words, “I love you.”  “Thank you.”  “I appreciate it when you…”  “That was a good thing you did.” 

They need to hear what are the values you think are important.  “What can we do to help that person?”  “That was kind of you.” 

Your child needs to hear that he or she is top priority in your life.  It’s not enough to show them by giving them things, keeping them safe, or feeding them.  Children require acknowledgment through words.  Words are important.  One father of a rather rebellious son would say, "I love you more than you will ever know.  So I'm going to be checking up on your tonight to make sure you are where you say you are going."

Invite them to sit and share their stories about school, homework, friends, and so on.  Allow your child to feel comfortable to come and speak with you.

3.     Show your child how to solve problems.  Don’t stress about the outcome.

My husband taught physics on the University level.  He always said the most important thing was to first understand what the problem is, and then the student could figure out how to solve it.

Foster creativity.  Practice brainstorming, but if they suggest something ridiculous, don’t say, “Well, that would never work.”  Laugh with them, maybe follow it through to the ridiculous outcome.  By accepting all possible ideas, they can learn to think outside the box.

Feel free to offer a variety of possible answers to get the ball rolling.  It encourages a child to consider multiple options and to project possible outcomes.

Be patient while they figure it out.  If their jacket sleeves are inside out and they can’t get their arms in, and they are having a melt-down, instead of just fixing it, give them the time to solve the problem on their own.  If they can’t see a solution, ask questions: “What are you trying to do?  How can you do that?  What would happen if you stuck your arm in the sleeve, grabbed the end, and pulled it out?  Would that work?  Is there someone you can ask to help you?”

When you have a problem, think out loud and let your children listen to you solve a problem.  You can even ask for their help.  It’s remarkable to hear the possibilities they can come up with.

“The ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings,” say the researchers.  Helping kids name and process those emotions, then guiding them toward safe conflict resolution, will go a long way toward keeping them focused on being a caring individual. 

It’s difficult to step back as a parent and watch your child make a mistake, but it’s important to allow them to fail.  As tough as it is, failure provides an amazing learning opportunity.  It tells them it’s okay to make mistakes.  None of us magically solve every problem the right way. It’s also important to set clear and reasonable boundaries that they’ll understand are out of love and concern for their safety.

Nor is there only one solution to a problem.  In my husband’s physics lab, the students were doing experiments with pendulums.  A bar clamped to the edge of the lab table with a cross bar holding the pendulum ball and wire.  

All the students were swinging the pendulums from side to side to take their measurements of arc, time, length, etc.  But one set of lab partners were having problems.  They were swinging their pendulum from front to back and it kept hitting the table.  They asked what they should do.  All around them other students were swinging their pendulums back and forth.  My husband told them he thought they could figure it out.  When he came back some time later, they had lowered the cross bar to table height so the pendulum, still swinging front to back, swung under the table.  It wasn’t the obvious solution, but it worked.

To help them risk failure as they try to learn to solve problems, praise your child for their efforts, rather than the outcome.  “The achievement pressure can have a bunch of negative results,” says Russ Weissbourd.

 “I can see how hard you are working to figure this out!”  “You really put a lot of effort into this.”  “I bet you are glad you didn’t give up.  Your determination made the difference.”  “I knew you could figure it out!”

4.     Express gratitude to your child often.

I remember being so angry with my mother when she wouldn’t thank me for doing something she had asked me to do, especially if she instead pointed out how I could have done it better.  I didn’t say anything (I was a compliant child), but I’d give her “the look” and think hard thoughts about her.  Never mind that I never thanked her for what she did for me.  That was different.  I resented her apparent lack of gratitude.  So I tried to make gratitude a routine response for chores done or requests accomplished with my own children.  I found that thank you goes a long way.  Be grateful also for the small acts they do that have nothing to do with chores or school.

I love it when you hand a two-year-old something and they say “tank oo”.  You know they are just parroting their polite parents, and probably don’t really feel gratitude, but the habit will teach them that expressing appreciation is important.

It’s also important to show our children what they have to be grateful for.  I remember when my two youngest children had to share a room with each other and hated it.  I pointed out a cousin in New York that could only afford a two bedroom apartment but had five children, or the newly immigrated Tongan family we knew that had two families in one house.  I could have taken them to a homeless shelter, done a charity trip to Mexico, anything to allow them to witness how fortunate they were to have what they had at home.  This would have taught them not only gratitude, but empathy and compassion.

5.     Teach your child to see the larger picture.

Ask “How would it affect the team if you quit?”  “What will happen later if you don’t eat now?”  “How will that child feel if you are mean to her?” 

Helping them see a situation from different viewpoints and from a larger perspective clarifies their thinking and opens their hearts.  Researchers say that “almost all children empathize with and care about a small circle of family and friends.”  We start there, reinforce, and then expand that circle.  Learning chess teaches them to think ahead to the possible outcomes in the future of their actions now.

Teach your child to be a good listener, to put themselves in another’s shoes, and not judge anyone based on their religion, race, or nationality.  Exposing your child to different cultures helps develop a loving, kind and happy person.  Travel is a wonderful way for your child to experience different cultures and viewpoints, but if that isn’t feasible, books or other media are another excellent way.  Some families have a monthly dinner featuring the food from a different country, with the evening devoted to learning about what’s neat about that country.  If your child has an interest in sports, or fashion design, or armor, you can research together how that differs in different countries or cultures.  Needless to say, it is important that we model empathy and compassion and care to others in word and deed.