"Aw Mom, do I have to?"
“I will in just a minute.”
“Wait until I finish this game (or the show is over, or I’m
through talking on the phone, or…)”
Why does it seem like getting our children to do chores is
like pushing on one end of a cooked spaghetti, and expecting the other end to
move? They are experts at
procrastination, excuses, resistance and refusal. We feel like angry nags, impotent parents,
and frustrated tyrants. It often seems
easier to just forget their chores and do it ourselves. But, despite what our children think, that
isn’t going to do them any favors. Our
goal is not to give our kids what they want, but what they need.
Coddling a child, protecting them from having to work, running
to school with their forgotten homework or lunch, and catering to their needs
and wants teaches them to put themselves first, ignoring the needs of their
parents, siblings, and friends. They
will feel “I have the right!” If we are
this protective parent, are we really showing love, or are we creating problems
for our children in relationships and life?
A niece stated: “I really struggle with (giving my children)
chores because I was the baby of my family by seven years and my mom spoiled me
too much and hardly ever made me do chores.
This has made life difficult for me because I still have a hard time
doing chores and making my kids do chores.
So I guess my advice is start young and don’t allow an only child or a
youngest child get away with not doing chores.
It has been a real struggle.”
My daughter in Alaska buys milk shares from her friend Sariah
who lives on a farm off the grid. My
daughter says Sariah’s children are hardworking, independent, and responsible. I wrote to Sariah and asked her secrets. I am going to quote part of her response,
because she makes a lot of good points.
“My
children contribute to our home and we all work together to make it run
effectively. It seems that somewhere
along the way, children have forgotten how to be an active part of a
family. I think it is partly because
they don’t have any “real” chores. They
are asked to dust and make up their beds and they don’t really know why they
have to do that because it’s just gonna get dusty again and the bed will be
unmade again each morning.
“My kids each have meaningful chores
that directly relate to household needs such as food and warmth. (They still have to dust and make their beds
too.)
“Cole
splits oodles of firewood for the kitchen stove so that we can eat. I make hearty meals on that kitchen stove,
and he can see a direct relation between cutting firewood and getting a good
dinner and a treat. Boys do love
food! So that’s an easy one.
“Aleah
collects eggs and tends the chickens overall.
She is the baker. We need eggs to
bake!
“Violet
has a hard time staying focused on any one thing. She has a list of chores but she often
switches with Aleah to keep things interesting. I think she actually does a
better job when she feels she can make a choice on what chores she does.
“The 3
and 5-year-old bring in the firewood and sweep up the mess it makes. They
are old enough to do it completely on their own now.
“My
husband and I take care of the livestock.
It’s a crazy amount of work and I think it could burn anyone out, but we are insane enough to enjoy those
chores. The kids can take care of
the livestock and often do when we are traveling. In fact, Cole delivered a calf while we were
at the state fair.
“I feel
that the kids can see that we as parents are working hard for them and that we actually need their help. I feel
that they have self-worth because of their ability to kick in and make our work
load easier.
“The
funny thing is, they rarely complain about it.
I know that they see a difference in themselves and their peers. They are strong, confident, and capable.
“We
include them in all discussions about breeding choices, whether to do shows at
the fair, and all the little detail things. But there is a balance between
letting them make choices and having personal motivation, and still being the
firm hand of the parent in charge. I’ve
always felt the children rise to high expectations.
“We do take time for recreation. I hope they can see that their feelings and
comfort are important to us. As a family I think they feel that we are
all working towards a common goal.
“My children get praise for doing the
most basic of things that a normal turn-of-the-century child wouldn’t even
think about.”
Now most of us don’t live on a farm, and we definitely don’t
cook on a wood stove and need our children to chop wood (and our kids don’t
lose indoor plumbing privileges when chores aren’t done and have to use the
outhouse. In winter. In Alaska.)
But it is true that children need to see the value of the work they
do. They don’t like busy work anymore
than we do.
“My kids
each have meaningful chores…”
I remember when I was eleven and a neighbor who was building an addition on his
house needed a big pile of odd shaped pieces of wood sorted. All the neighborhood children pitched in and
worked hard for a couple of hours. We
weren’t asked to do it (but allowed), we didn’t get paid, but it was important
work and I felt really good when we finished.
I notice that when it is obvious that help is needed, children
seem to be more willing to pitch in.
They become part of the team.
Single mothers and working mothers and mothers with large families
really need the help their children can give, but no child should consider
their mother a maid. Perhaps explaining
to them the importance of what they do and giving gratitude for their work in
making the family home function would help them feel needed. I remember wishing my mother would just say
thank you for what I had done, instead of pointing out where I had fallen
short.
“Even though children may say and act as if they don’t want to
contribute to the running of the household,” writes Susan Tordella in Raising Able, ”everyone craves the
feeling of feeling important, needed by, and connected to others.” Encourage and praise with, “Thank you for
helping out. Our family makes a great
team.”
“…she
does a better job when she feels she can make a choice on what chores she
does.”
Letting children have input on the chores seems to be
important to them. Children seem to be
more cooperative if they have a say. Of
course there are chores that no one wants to do, but if they can come up with a
way that those chores are rotated, they might be more willing to do them. Brainstorm ideas on the problems too. Get their input on procrastination, not being
thorough, etc.
I hated housework, especially washing dishes. But I loved yard work. I would spend hours outside making our yard
look nice. My brother, on the other
hand, said his favorite chore was doing the dishes with his younger
sister. “We would sing old dumb songs
together such as ‘Down in the Valley’, ‘I Love the Wide Open Spaces’, etc.” Working together gives a family a chance to
bond.
“They are
old enough to do it completely on their own.”
Two lessons here: before expecting children to do a job on
their own, they must be taught how to do it.
They should be shown what to do, how to do it, and how well it needs to
be done. My sister would place posters in each room explaining just what was needed to clean that room.
Also, children should be given age-appropriate chores. Most can do more younger than we give them
credit for.
Boy helping wash up after his three-year-old birthday party.
I remember my granddaughters
(3 and 5) climbing up on the bathroom counter to clean the bathroom sink and
wipe down the counters. My sister-in-law
says her children could strip their beds every week and carry the sheets to the
laundry by age five. My own children
started doing their own laundry pre-teen (after I shrunk a sweater one had
bought with their own money).
See this video of Sariah's toddler feeding the cows. I think you'll need to copy and paste.
https://www.facebook.com/sariah.naff/videos/1707989589229488/
“…we are
insane enough to enjoy those chores.”
If parents own a positive work ethic, then we’re already
halfway there. Our homes are a natural
and continuous learning environment.
Everything we do instructs our children, whether intended or not.
Another sister-in-law said “I found the most effective way to
teach children to work is to work beside them.
We canned fruit, washed walls, mowed lawns, all as a family when I was a
child.
“…they
have self-worth because of their ability to kick in and make our work load
easier.”
Kids feel competent when they do their chores. A 75-year Harvard study showed that children
who are given chores became more independent adults. Doing everything for a child teaches them
that they are not capable. How sad to be
a five-year-old who can’t button her own coat at kindergarten, or the 7-year-old
who goes to a friend’s house and can’t pour his own juice, because his mother
always did it for him,
or the 18-year-old who goes to college and ends up with
pink briefs and socks because he never learned to do his own laundry.
My sister-in-law Annette said, “When my children left home
(she had ten children!) they ALL thanked us for teaching them to work.” Learning to work at home teaches our children
life skills.
My father-in-law felt his boys needed important jobs to teach
them to work hard. He sent his sons to a
family member who owned a ranch/farm each summer in their teen years to work
(for free). My husband valued those
summers and felt they really did teach him the value of hard work, and of doing
a job just because it needed doing. He
liked being a cowboy, too.
“We do
take time for recreation.”
Every family has their own take on how much is too much. But it’s essential that we teach our children
balance in terms of work. In his book Quiet Strength, Coach Tony Dungy taught his coaching staff and
players that family time was their priority.
A work ethic that sacrifices family turns out to be all work and no
ethic.1
My parent’s motto was “Work before play.” We had to do basic things before we had free
time. For my grandchildren, they earn
time on their electronic devices by doing their chores. It’s good to teach priorities. We used to have our children do major chores on Saturday mornings, and then have a major fun activity on Saturday afternoons. The
simple “fun after the work is done” associates relaxation with completion
rather than relaxation as escape. Kids
experience more satisfaction in their leisure when it is paired with
satisfactory job performance.1
“My
children get praise…”
Thanks and praise are great motivators. Let your children know how much you
appreciate their help. Praise a job well
done. Compliment, encourage, throw in
the occasional treat “Because you kids have been so amazingly responsible this
week?” Give
high fives all around when your kids help walk the dog or help fold and put
away a mountain of laundry. Admire their good work.
Now we get into money.
Do we pay our children for chores to teach them that they have to work
for money so they don’t feel entitled?
Do we give an allowance because they are part of the family and they do
chores because they are part of the family, and that work is an intrinsic value
and fundamentally worthwhile? Do we tie
allowance to the performance of chores?
Do we provide additional money earning chores in addition to unpaid
basic chores? Do we not give an
allowance at all?
Do we encourage them to work outside the home to earn
money? (Working outside the home is
harder now for teens. With higher
minimum wage, no one wants to hire less competent beginning workers. At least in Southern California, newspapers
are delivered by adults in cars, lawn services and car washes preclude those
jobs, taxes and liabilities limit other work for neighbors.)
I have heard good arguments for each position. It seems to be what works for your family,
how you and/or your husband have been raised, and which components are
important to you. They all seem to be
successful at some level. Good luck
deciding.
Teaching our children to work is important, worth the
hassle. It trains them in responsibility
and independence and gives them the skills needed to overcome life’s greater
challenges.
1. 10 Ways to Teach Your Children a Great
Work Ethic https://www.allprodad.com/10-ways-to-teach-your-children-a-great-work-ethic
