“Aw Mom, do I have to?” Chores!

"Aw Mom, do I have to?"

“I will in just a minute.”

“Wait until I finish this game (or the show is over, or I’m through talking on the phone, or…)”

Why does it seem like getting our children to do chores is like pushing on one end of a cooked spaghetti, and expecting the other end to move?  They are experts at procrastination, excuses, resistance and refusal.  We feel like angry nags, impotent parents, and frustrated tyrants.  It often seems easier to just forget their chores and do it ourselves.  But, despite what our children think, that isn’t going to do them any favors.  Our goal is not to give our kids what they want, but what they need.

Coddling a child, protecting them from having to work, running to school with their forgotten homework or lunch, and catering to their needs and wants teaches them to put themselves first, ignoring the needs of their parents, siblings, and friends.  They will feel “I have the right!”  If we are this protective parent, are we really showing love, or are we creating problems for our children in relationships and life?

A niece stated: “I really struggle with (giving my children) chores because I was the baby of my family by seven years and my mom spoiled me too much and hardly ever made me do chores.  This has made life difficult for me because I still have a hard time doing chores and making my kids do chores.  So I guess my advice is start young and don’t allow an only child or a youngest child get away with not doing chores.  It has been a real struggle.”

My daughter in Alaska buys milk shares from her friend Sariah who lives on a farm off the grid.  My daughter says Sariah’s children are hardworking, independent, and responsible.  I wrote to Sariah and asked her secrets.  I am going to quote part of her response, because she makes a lot of good points.

“My children contribute to our home and we all work together to make it run effectively.  It seems that somewhere along the way, children have forgotten how to be an active part of a family.  I think it is partly because they don’t have any “real” chores.  They are asked to dust and make up their beds and they don’t really know why they have to do that because it’s just gonna get dusty again and the bed will be unmade again each morning. 

“My kids each have meaningful chores that directly relate to household needs such as food and warmth.  (They still have to dust and make their beds too.)

“Cole splits oodles of firewood for the kitchen stove so that we can eat.  I make hearty meals on that kitchen stove, and he can see a direct relation between cutting firewood and getting a good dinner and a treat.  Boys do love food!  So that’s an easy one.

“Aleah collects eggs and tends the chickens overall.  She is the baker.  We need eggs to bake!

“Violet has a hard time staying focused on any one thing.  She has a list of chores but she often switches with Aleah to keep things interesting.  I think she actually does a better job when she feels she can make a choice on what chores she does.

“The 3 and 5-year-old bring in the firewood and sweep up the mess it makes.  They are old enough to do it completely on their own now.

“My husband and I take care of the livestock.  It’s a crazy amount of work and I think it could burn anyone out, but we are insane enough to enjoy those chores.  The kids can take care of the livestock and often do when we are traveling.  In fact, Cole delivered a calf while we were at the state fair.

“I feel that the kids can see that we as parents are working hard for them and that we actually need their help.  I feel that they have self-worth because of their ability to kick in and make our work load easier.

“The funny thing is, they rarely complain about it.  I know that they see a difference in themselves and their peers.  They are strong, confident, and capable.

“We include them in all discussions about breeding choices, whether to do shows at the fair, and all the little detail things. But there is a balance between letting them make choices and having personal motivation, and still being the firm hand of the parent in charge.  I’ve always felt the children rise to high expectations.

“We do take time for recreation.  I hope they can see that their feelings and comfort are important to us.  As a family I think they feel that we are all working towards a common goal.

“My children get praise for doing the most basic of things that a normal turn-of-the-century child wouldn’t even think about.” 

Now most of us don’t live on a farm, and we definitely don’t cook on a wood stove and need our children to chop wood (and our kids don’t lose indoor plumbing privileges when chores aren’t done and have to use the outhouse.  In winter.  In Alaska.)  But it is true that children need to see the value of the work they do.  They don’t like busy work anymore than we do. 

“My kids each have meaningful chores…”

I remember when I was eleven and a neighbor who was building an addition on his house needed a big pile of odd shaped pieces of wood sorted.  All the neighborhood children pitched in and worked hard for a couple of hours.  We weren’t asked to do it (but allowed), we didn’t get paid, but it was important work and I felt really good when we finished.

I notice that when it is obvious that help is needed, children seem to be more willing to pitch in.  They become part of the team.  Single mothers and working mothers and mothers with large families really need the help their children can give, but no child should consider their mother a maid.  Perhaps explaining to them the importance of what they do and giving gratitude for their work in making the family home function would help them feel needed.  I remember wishing my mother would just say thank you for what I had done, instead of pointing out where I had fallen short.

“Even though children may say and act as if they don’t want to contribute to the running of the household,” writes Susan Tordella in Raising Able, ”everyone craves the feeling of feeling important, needed by, and connected to others.”  Encourage and praise with, “Thank you for helping out.  Our family makes a great team.”

“…she does a better job when she feels she can make a choice on what chores she does.”

Letting children have input on the chores seems to be important to them.  Children seem to be more cooperative if they have a say.  Of course there are chores that no one wants to do, but if they can come up with a way that those chores are rotated, they might be more willing to do them.  Brainstorm ideas on the problems too.  Get their input on procrastination, not being thorough, etc.

I hated housework, especially washing dishes.  But I loved yard work.  I would spend hours outside making our yard look nice.  My brother, on the other hand, said his favorite chore was doing the dishes with his younger sister.  “We would sing old dumb songs together such as ‘Down in the Valley’, ‘I Love the Wide Open Spaces’, etc.”  Working together gives a family a chance to bond.

“They are old enough to do it completely on their own.”

Two lessons here: before expecting children to do a job on their own, they must be taught how to do it.  They should be shown what to do, how to do it, and how well it needs to be done.  My sister would place posters in each room explaining just what was needed to clean that room.

Also, children should be given age-appropriate chores.  Most can do more younger than we give them credit for.  

                                   Boy helping wash up after his three-year-old birthday party.

I remember my granddaughters (3 and 5) climbing up on the bathroom counter to clean the bathroom sink and wipe down the counters.  My sister-in-law says her children could strip their beds every week and carry the sheets to the laundry by age five.  My own children started doing their own laundry pre-teen (after I shrunk a sweater one had bought with their own money).  

See this video of Sariah's toddler feeding the cows.  I think you'll need to copy and paste.

https://www.facebook.com/sariah.naff/videos/1707989589229488/

“…we are insane enough to enjoy those chores.”

If parents own a positive work ethic, then we’re already halfway there.  Our homes are a natural and continuous learning environment.  Everything we do instructs our children, whether intended or not.

Another sister-in-law said “I found the most effective way to teach children to work is to work beside them.  We canned fruit, washed walls, mowed lawns, all as a family when I was a child.

“…they have self-worth because of their ability to kick in and make our work load easier.”

Kids feel competent when they do their chores.  A 75-year Harvard study showed that children who are given chores became more independent adults.  Doing everything for a child teaches them that they are not capable.  How sad to be a five-year-old who can’t button her own coat at kindergarten, or the 7-year-old who goes to a friend’s house and can’t pour his own juice, because his mother always did it for him, 

or the 18-year-old who goes to college and ends up with pink briefs and socks because he never learned to do his own laundry.

My sister-in-law Annette said, “When my children left home (she had ten children!) they ALL thanked us for teaching them to work.”  Learning to work at home teaches our children life skills. 

My father-in-law felt his boys needed important jobs to teach them to work hard.  He sent his sons to a family member who owned a ranch/farm each summer in their teen years to work (for free).  My husband valued those summers and felt they really did teach him the value of hard work, and of doing a job just because it needed doing.  He liked being a cowboy, too.

“We do take time for recreation.”

Every family has their own take on how much is too much.  But it’s essential that we teach our children balance in terms of work.  In his book Quiet Strength, Coach Tony Dungy taught his coaching staff and players that family time was their priority.  A work ethic that sacrifices family turns out to be all work and no ethic.¹   

My parent’s motto was “Work before play.”  We had to do basic things before we had free time.  For my grandchildren, they earn time on their electronic devices by doing their chores.  It’s good to teach priorities.  We used to have our children do major chores on Saturday mornings, and then have a major fun activity on Saturday afternoons. The simple “fun after the work is done” associates relaxation with completion rather than relaxation as escape.  Kids experience more satisfaction in their leisure when it is paired with satisfactory job performance.¹

“My children get praise…”

Thanks and praise are great motivators.  Let your children know how much you appreciate their help.  Praise a job well done.  Compliment, encourage, throw in the occasional treat “Because you kids have been so amazingly responsible this week?”  Give high fives all around when your kids help walk the dog or help fold and put away a mountain of laundry.  Admire their good work.

Now we get into money.  Do we pay our children for chores to teach them that they have to work for money so they don’t feel entitled?  Do we give an allowance because they are part of the family and they do chores because they are part of the family, and that work is an intrinsic value and fundamentally worthwhile?  Do we tie allowance to the performance of chores?  Do we provide additional money earning chores in addition to unpaid basic chores?  Do we not give an allowance at all? 

Do we encourage them to work outside the home to earn money?  (Working outside the home is harder now for teens.  With higher minimum wage, no one wants to hire less competent beginning workers.  At least in Southern California, newspapers are delivered by adults in cars, lawn services and car washes preclude those jobs, taxes and liabilities limit other work for neighbors.)

I have heard good arguments for each position.  It seems to be what works for your family, how you and/or your husband have been raised, and which components are important to you.  They all seem to be successful at some level.  Good luck deciding.

Teaching our children to work is important, worth the hassle.  It trains them in responsibility and independence and gives them the skills needed to overcome life’s greater challenges.

  1.    10 Ways to Teach Your Children a Great Work Ethic https://www.allprodad.com/10-ways-to-teach-your-children-a-great-work-ethic