For Stressed Moms: 6 Steps to Finding Better Balance

*Recently, someone I love told me she was depressed.  I wondered how to help her.  Then I came across this blog¹ I saved last year.  Nicole Carpenter, a writer and speaker, talked about her dark time when she had four kids in five years.  

My own family was different.  I had nine children in 17 years, and sometimes I felt I would always be stuck in the land of dirty diapers, soccer games, PTA meetings, daily crises, and constant fatigue.  I have a son who adopted four children to add to their family of two.  They had six children in eight years.  But even if you only have one or two children, there are times when life seems dark.  Here is Nicole’s advice:

Four kids in five years. That’s how my family came. But not one at a time—the two youngest were twins. 

Now they range in age from 12 to 6. But in those early years, I gave all I had to my family all day (and then all night). I was glad to be able to stay at home and raise my kiddos, except something was wrong. I was not happy.

When my twins were 18 months old, I found myself spiraling into a dark place. And in the middle of all the motherhood monotony, I realized that even though I loved my life, I no longer loved myself in my life. I had given all of myself to my family and had forgotten who I was.

I knew I needed to make some changes and that it was up to me to make those changes. If I didn’t, I feared it would have serious consequences to my family and possibly my marriage.

So, …I opened my laptop late one night and just starting typing. Fast. It was just a mess of words, hardly even sentences. Some of the things I typed on that monitor were scary. But through this very honest process of typing my real thoughts and feelings, I had a realization. I became aware that there were six things I was not doing or not understanding that I needed to implement. Those six things soon helped me put my life back into balance and ultimately helped me find me again.

1. I AM VALUABLE

I had to realize that I have a value besides changing diapers, making hot meals, and folding laundry. I had to really internalize that I am already valuable because I am a daughter of God. When we try to base our value on what we accomplish, how we look, and even the type of mother we are, we always fall short.

I know that when I’m feeling lost or overwhelmed or stressed out, it’s not because He has turned His back on me; it’s because I’ve turned my back on Him. I started waking up early. I chose to spend some quiet time in the scriptures, in prayer, and journaling my thoughts and feelings. 

I felt a reassurance that I am more than a diaper-changing short-order cook. I am valuable because I am a child of God. I am divine and so is my role as a mother.

2. DREAMS ARE REAL

The biggest point of pain for me in my life was that I had put my dreams on hold to raise my children. 

For many of us, being a mom is such an important dream. And it was for me too! ... [But] I think the talents and gifts that God has blessed us with help us become who He intends us to be... My problem was I put all those dreams on hold and tried to stifle that part of me. Using our gifts can bless those in our homes, in our communities, in our places of work—everywhere really.

Sometimes acknowledging that you’re meant for different things (not just motherhood) can help put that spark back in your eye. There’s a time and a season for everything. Maybe you have to wait a bit to accomplish your dreams, but remember dreams are real. See yourself not only as a mother but as a talented individual who can make the world a better place.

3. DEFINE AND PROTECT YOUR ROLE

Our roles are the responsibilities we have. Some examples of roles are mother, spouse, home manager, employee, soccer mom, PTA president, and Sunday School teacher. To find better balance, it’s important to define your roles and actually write them down. Most people have quite a long list of roles. The average person can only handle about eight major roles at a time without feeling overwhelmed or burnt-out.

Once you know your most important roles, work to protect them. Two ways we can protect our roles is to learn to say “no” to the things that are not as important and to honor each role with the attention it might need. 

We might spend all day cooking, cleaning, or paying the bills and then wonder why our whiny toddlers are at our ankles by dinner. 

We think we’ve been a mom all day when really, we’ve been a home manager. Sometimes our kids just need us to show up a little bit more as a mother.

4. LEVERAGE YOUR TIME

Once we understand our most important roles and do our best to stay present in our roles, we can use our time to make the most of those roles. Can you cook dinner and help a child with their homework at the same time? Can you use the minutes in the carpool line to respond to an email? Absolutely! Be efficient when possible. Just remember as you jump between boiling pasta and calculating prime numbers that you are balancing two roles at once.

Time blocking is another effective way to give yourself time to be a mom, time to do chores, time to be the employee, and so on. When it’s time to be Mom, you are present. When it’s time to do work, your kids are more understanding because you’ve given them time too. As you leverage your time, you can make time for the things that are most important to you.

5. CHERISH YOUR CHILDREN

In this role of parent, sometimes we only see our children as the person who is making the mess, or the conflict that they’re causing in our home. We forget to see them as our Heavenly Father sees them. We need to love them and nurture them as He does and really cherish them because we don’t know how long we get to spend with them.

So take the time to create memories with them. And even on the hard days, remember to take time to create moments with them. Often it’s those little moments of love and patience when we have nothing left to give that make the difference.

6. EVERYONE NEEDS PLAYDATES

We often feel guilty when we take time for ourselves, especially as women and caregivers. But through my experience, I’ve learned that everyone needs playdates. We need time away from our family. We need time with our spouse. And for those of us who are working toward those dreams that are in our heart, we need to create opportunities to work and network…

 *****

Life balance isn’t a destination you reach. Life balance is more like a roller coaster. It’s cyclical because life hands us unexpected dips all the time. It’s having the tools you need to manage the dips, the corkscrews, and the loop-de-loops that can make all the difference.  

Since being in that dark place five years ago, I’ve had other big dips in my life, and I’m sure I’ll have another and another. But now I’m equipped with my six “mom resolutions” to help me find balance again, to help me find myself again. I’m able to remind myself that in God’s eyes, I am valuable—and so are you.

1.    https://www.lds.org/blog/for-stressed-out-moms-six-steps-to-finding-better-balance-in-your-life?cid=HP_TU_23-5-2017_dOCS_fBLOG_xLIDyL2-3_

Hero Moms Raising Hero Children: Authoritative Parenting

We learned last blog that the Authoritative Parenting Style gave better results than the Authoritarian (I’m the boss, like it or lump it!), the Permissive (Sure, Honey, whatever you say...), and of course the Neglectful (Don’t bother me!) styles.  So how do we become authoritative mothers?  

Amy Morin, LCSW, gives us 12 ways to become a more authoritative parent¹.

1.       Listen

 Russel M. Nelson tells of a time he was reading the paper and his grandchild sat down beside him and started talking.  He was enjoying the child’s chatter while he read his newspaper.  Suddenly the young boy stood up on the couch, grabbed his face and looked into his eyes.  “Grandpa,” he said, “are you in there?” 

It is important that our children know that we are hearing what they are saying.  Steven Covey taught, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”²

I remember our slightly ditsy teen aged daughter talking to her aunt, going on and on about something that had happened to her.  I thought, your aunt isn’t interested in this minor incident in your life, you are just boring her.  If fact, it was boring me.  But her aunt had the ability to listen to and value everything anyone said, because it was important to them.  All of her nieces and nephews felt loved and esteemed by her.

We should not only listen, but consider what they say.  We should pay attention in regard to rules, policies, disciplines, and needs of our children.

2.       Validate Your Child’s Emotions

My four-year-old great grandson has been learning to name his emotions.  His mother wrote: “Tristan has been doing awesome.  A few times today he told me, ‘I’m really upset’, or ‘I’m really frustrated,’ or ‘really mad.’  I think naming his emotion helped him to stay calm, helped me to empathize and allowed us to work through the problems.”

Too often we label emotions as good or bad.  It’s bad to be angry, or really frustrated, or sad.  Because that is how our child is truly feeling, he sees us label him as bad.  Instead, we should acknowledge their feeling (I can see you are very angry).  We should let him know that it is OK to feel mad, but that there are consequences for behavior resulting from that feeling (It’s not OK to hit).

                                                                                     photo by Mith Huang

Sometimes it is helpful to be specific about the feelings.  If they say “I feel mad,” find out what that means, especially if the child is old enough to have the vocabulary.  Do they feel crabby, cross, impatient, irritated, or exasperated, incensed, indignant, riled up, or appalled, disgusted, furious, livid, seething, violent?

When they know what they are feeling, then they can make the shift from emotion to thinking, and make an intelligent decision of what to do with that anger.

3.       Consider the Child’s Feelings and Opinions

   Take in account your child’s views when making decisions, but let her know that while they get a vote, they don’t get an equal vote.  (That is permissive.)  As mother, you see a bigger picture than your child does.  You see how her actions affects her future.  You are in charge, but you care about how the decision affects her.

4.       Make Clear Rules

“Don’t get home too late,” or “Clean your room,” are not clear rules.  Your “too late” and your teen’s “too late” might be totally different, and he’ll think he’s complying while you are worrying yourself sick.  Steven Covey tells of giving his son the responsibility of taking care of the yard.  “I wanted him to have a clear picture in his mind of what a well-cared-for yard was like, so I took him next door to our neighbor’s.  ‘Look, son,’ I said.  ‘See how our neighbor’s yard is green and clean?  That’s what we’re after: green and clean.  Now come look at our yard.  See the mixed colors?  That’s not it; that’s not green.  Green and clean is what we want.  How you do it is up to you, you can turn on the sprinklers, use a hose or a bucket, or spit all day.  All we care about is that the color is green.’

‘Now let’s talk about clean, son.  Clean means no messes around—no paper, strings, bones, sticks, or anything that messes up the place.  Let’s just clean up half the yard right now and look at the difference.  See the difference?  That’s called clean.’”  He made the rule very clear. ²

                                                                                Green and Clean

 We should state expectations and consequences ahead of time, and the reasons behind them.  This gives our children a better understanding of life and make is more likely they will follow the rules when you aren’t around.

5.       Give One Warning

When a rule that is clear and understood is broken, there should be immediate consequences such as a time out or loss of privilege, but for minor offences, it is okay to offer a warning, adding a consequence if they don’t change their behavior.  Then follow through.  Avoid multiple warning.  Saying “How many times do I have to tell you….?” trains them to not listen the first time.  I had a friend when I was about 10 years old named Genie.  When it was time for her to go home, her mother would start out calling “Genie.”  Then it was “Eugenia!”  Finally, “Eugenia Richins!!!”  Then she would know that she had to go home.

6.       Use Consequences that Teach Life Lessons

Logical consequences rather than random consequences are more effective in helping our children learn to do better in the future.  “If you don’t turn off your game boy now, you will lose game privileges for 24 hours.”  Short term consequences are also more effective than long term ones.  Losing privileges for a week just makes them discouraged and angry.  We shouldn’t try to make them suffer, shame them (no guilt trips), or hurt them physically.  It’s like the mother that spanks her child saying, “That will teach you to hit your brother.”  Actually, it will.  He learns that hitting is a solution.

Along with the consequence, it is important to teach conflict resolution or anger management.  What can we do to not get so upset?  What are the options or alternatives to hitting?

7.       Offer Incentives

When a child is struggling with a problem of behavior, you can use incentives to help her get back on track.  It can be a simple as stickers for chores done for a young child, tokens to be traded for privileges for an older child (a trip to the park, invite a friend over), and outright privileges for teens (staying out later, skipping a chore, a date night with mom or dad).

Rewards are a fast and efficient way to teach new skills and change behaviors.

8.       Let Them Make Choices

When all the choices are made for a child when they are young, they never learn the art of making choices.  They don’t know how to weigh options, how to consider consequences, how to determine priorities.  Letting them make the small choices in life empowers them to make bigger decisions later in life.

I had a four-year-old daughter who wanted to choose her own clothes to wear.  Often those clothes were chosen from the dress-up box, with frilly petticoats (sometimes with no skirt on top) and draping scarves.  I set some guidelines…it had to be modest (no showing her underpants, no topless) and if we were going to church she had to choose from church clothes.  Otherwise, she got to choose on her own.  When she and I went to pick up my kindergartner, the other mothers always laughed to see what she chose to wear, but she was learning and I had thick skin.  She makes wonderful choices now (and her wardrobe is not quite as flamboyant, thank goodness).

I often gave my children choices when getting them to do something, i.e. “Do you want to clean up  toys now or in five minutes.”  “Do you want to wash the dishes or clean off the table?”  One of my daughters, six-years-old going on thirteen, got back at me.  “Do you want to buy us ice cream,” she asked, “or donuts?”

9.       Give Them Freedom Balanced with Responsibility

   No one likes a nag, not even the nagger.  We just don’t know what else to do when our children don’t do anything unless we tell them over and over.  Help them set up their own plan to handle responsibility.  If they always forget to take their homework, or their lunch box to school, they can make a check list of what they need each day and check it off before they leave.  If they have trouble being on time for school, they can set up a time line of what needs to be done by when.  A time line can also help with that major school project.  They can make a list of what needs to be done before playtime.  Then reaching playtime becomes their goal, rather than yours.  They become self-reliant.  You can provide support initially, but it won’t work if you step back in and take over the responsibility.  They may need to fail before they learn, but they’ll never learn if it isn’t their own job.

Don’t be a helicopter pilot, making all the choices, taking all the responsibilities, always intervening to thwart consequences.  That shows the child that you don’t trust them to be able to take care of themselves

10.   Turn Mistakes into Learning Opportunities

   When your child makes a mistake, don’t embarrass or hurt him.  Instead explain why that was a bad choice and what the consequences may be.  “When you lie, your friends won’t trust you and will think you are lying even when you tell the truth.”  If she hurts someone, help her make amends.  If it is a repeat offence, help them problem solve to come up with a solution to keep from doing it again.

One week my junior high school son was late for school each day because he couldn’t find his shoes in the morning.  I lost my temper and shoved him out the door shoeless.  It was a stupid thing to do; I knew he wouldn’t go to school without shoes.  It was mean.  Instead I should have sat down with him earlier in the week and helped him figure out possible solutions: putting his shoes in a certain place when he took them off, or finding them the night before, or whatever solution he could come up with.  Then it would have been a learning opportunity, not a disaster that did no good and made us both angry.

 11.   Encourage Self-discipline

Sometimes we just want to control our children, make them do what we want them to do, but the Authoritative parent teaches them to control themselves.  It eliminates the constant nagging when they learn to be responsible for themselves.  This can be done with incentives and consequences. 

One of my grandsons was a mediocre student.  His parents were always pushing him to do his homework and it became a nightly battle.  His younger brother developed cancer and because of hospital stays and treatments, his parents no longer had time to nag about homework.  This grandson was on his own.  He started going to an after school homework study hour.  He decided he wanted to go to college and therefore needed good grades.  He started completing his assignments on his own, and his grades went up.  It has been five years, and he just graduated from high school and will start college in the fall.  All on his own.

Don’t calm your child every time she is upset.  Teach them how to calm themselves.  I have a granddaughter who has anger management problems.  Her parents have taught her techniques for calming her anger, such as pretending her anger is a bowl of hot soup and she has to blow on it to cool it down.  The deep breaths and time out while doing this exercise help her return to reasoned thinking.  Impulse control, anger management, and self-discipline skills will benefit your child throughout their lives.  (Wouldn’t hurt for us to gain these skills, either).

12.   Nurture your Child

It is important to keep a healthy relationship with your child, warm, loving, full of affection.  I asked one of my children (now a wonderful adult), what worked and what didn’t when she was a rebellious teenager.  She said, “I always knew you loved me.  Things might have turned out very different if I hadn’t known that.”

In a class on raising non-compliant children (Some of my children were very compliant.  Others were very non-compliant.  They take different parenting techniques), our instructor said to always express our love, verbally and physically, even when doing things the child doesn’t like.  He would say to his teenager, “I love you more than you will ever know, so I am going to drop by your party sometime tonight to make sure you are where you say you will be and that there is supervision, and that there is no drinking, and no drugs.”

   

Spending quality time with your child, where you can give them undivided attention, will let them know they are loved and valued, especially if you listen rather than lecture.  Even on days when they are behaving badly.  Sometimes bad behavior is a plea for attention.  Positive attention will help your child feel self-confident about who she is and what she is able to accomplish.

1.      Amy Morin, LCSW, 12 Ways to Become a More Authoritative Parent, Very Well Family April 20, 2017

2.      Stephen R. Covey The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Franklin Covey Co.