*Recently,
someone I love told me she was depressed.
I wondered how to help her. Then
I came across this blog1 I saved last year. Nicole Carpenter, a writer and speaker,
talked about her dark time when she had four kids in five years.
My own family was different. I had nine children in 17 years, and sometimes I felt I would always be stuck in the land of dirty diapers, soccer games, PTA meetings, daily crises, and constant fatigue. I have a son who adopted four children to add to their family of two. They had six children in eight years. But even if you only have one or two children, there are times when life seems dark. Here is Nicole’s advice:
Four kids in five years. That’s how my family came. But not one at a time—the two youngest were twins.
Now they range in age from 12 to 6. But in
those early years, I gave all I had to my family all day (and then all night).
I was glad to be able to stay at home and raise my kiddos, except something was
wrong. I was not happy.
When
my twins were 18 months old, I found myself spiraling into a dark place. And in
the middle of all the motherhood monotony, I realized that even though I loved
my life, I no longer loved myself in my life. I had given all
of myself to my family and had forgotten who I was.
I
knew I needed to make some changes and that it was up to me to make those
changes. If I didn’t, I feared it would have serious consequences to my family
and possibly my marriage.
So,
…I opened my laptop late one night and just starting typing. Fast. It was just
a mess of words, hardly even sentences. Some of the things I typed on that
monitor were scary. But through this very honest process of typing my real
thoughts and feelings, I had a realization. I became aware that there were six
things I was not doing or not understanding that I needed to implement. Those
six things soon helped me put my life back into balance and ultimately helped
me find me again.
1. I AM VALUABLE
I
had to realize that I have a value besides changing diapers, making hot meals,
and folding laundry. I had to really internalize that I am already valuable
because I am a daughter of God. When we try to base our value on what we
accomplish, how we look, and even the type of mother we are, we always fall
short.
I
know that when I’m feeling lost or overwhelmed or stressed out, it’s not
because He has turned His back on me; it’s because I’ve turned my back on Him.
I started waking up early. I chose to spend some quiet time in the scriptures,
in prayer, and journaling my thoughts and feelings.
I felt a reassurance that I
am more than a diaper-changing short-order cook. I am valuable because I am a
child of God. I am divine and so is my role as a mother.
2. DREAMS ARE REAL
The
biggest point of pain for me in my life was that I had put my dreams on hold to
raise my children.
For many of us, being a mom is such an important dream. And
it was for me too! ... [But] I think the talents and gifts that God has blessed
us with help us become who He intends us to be... My problem was I put all
those dreams on hold and tried to stifle that part of me. Using our gifts can
bless those in our homes, in our communities, in our places of work—everywhere
really.
Sometimes
acknowledging that you’re meant for different things (not just motherhood) can
help put that spark back in your eye. There’s a time and a season for
everything. Maybe you have to wait a bit to accomplish your dreams, but
remember dreams are real. See yourself not only as a mother but as a talented
individual who can make the world a better place.
3. DEFINE AND PROTECT YOUR ROLE
Our
roles are the responsibilities we have. Some examples of roles are mother, spouse, home manager, employee, soccer mom, PTA president, and Sunday
School teacher. To find better balance, it’s important to define your roles and
actually write them down. Most people have quite a long list of roles. The
average person can only handle about eight major roles at a time without
feeling overwhelmed or burnt-out.
Once
you know your most important roles, work to protect them. Two ways we can
protect our roles is to learn to say “no” to the things that are not as
important and to honor each role with the attention it might need.
We might
spend all day cooking, cleaning, or paying the bills and then wonder why our
whiny toddlers are at our ankles by dinner.
We think we’ve been a mom all day
when really, we’ve been a home manager. Sometimes our kids just need us to show
up a little bit more as a mother.
4. LEVERAGE YOUR TIME
Once
we understand our most important roles and do our best to stay present in our
roles, we can use our time to make the most of those roles. Can you cook dinner
and help a child with their homework at the same time? Can you use the minutes
in the carpool line to respond to an email? Absolutely! Be efficient when
possible. Just remember as you jump between boiling pasta and calculating prime
numbers that you are balancing two roles at once.
Time
blocking is another effective way to give yourself time to be a mom, time to do
chores, time to be the employee, and so on. When it’s time to be Mom, you are
present. When it’s time to do work, your kids are more understanding because
you’ve given them time too. As you leverage your time, you can make time for
the things that are most important to you.
5. CHERISH YOUR CHILDREN
In
this role of parent, sometimes we only see our children as the person who is
making the mess, or the conflict that they’re causing in our home. We forget to
see them as our Heavenly Father sees them. We need to love them and nurture
them as He does and really cherish them because we don’t know how long we get
to spend with them.
So
take the time to create memories with them. And even on the hard days, remember
to take time to create moments with them. Often it’s those little moments of
love and patience when we have nothing left to give that make the difference.
6. EVERYONE NEEDS PLAYDATES
We
often feel guilty when we take time for ourselves, especially as women and
caregivers. But through my experience, I’ve learned that everyone needs
playdates. We need time away from our family. We need time with our spouse. And
for those of us who are working toward those dreams that are in our heart, we
need to create opportunities to work and network…
Life
balance isn’t a destination you reach. Life balance is more like a roller
coaster. It’s cyclical because life hands us unexpected dips all the time. It’s
having the tools you need to manage the dips, the corkscrews, and the loop-de-loops that can make all the difference.
Since
being in that dark place five years ago, I’ve had other big dips in my life,
and I’m sure I’ll have another and another. But now I’m equipped with my six
“mom resolutions” to help me find balance again, to help me find myself again.
I’m able to remind myself that in God’s eyes, I am valuable—and so are you.
1.
https://www.lds.org/blog/for-stressed-out-moms-six-steps-to-finding-better-balance-in-your-life?cid=HP_TU_23-5-2017_dOCS_fBLOG_xLIDyL2-3_
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