My Child is a Thief!

When my oldest daughter was seven, she suddenly had two beautiful rhinestone dog collars. 

We didn’t have a dog.  

She reluctantly admitted that she had stopped in the pet store on the way home from school and taken the dog collars because they were so pretty.  We made her take them back and confess to the owner that she had taken them.  About two weeks later, she had a little castle for her fish bowl.  She insisted that she had paid for it.  But it finally came out that she had taken money from my purse to pay for it.  I was sure that I had a child delinquent, a hardened thief who would grow from stealing dog collars to stealing cars.  I totally over reacted.

After several more of my kids passed the age of seven, I found that all of them went through a stage of taking things that weren’t theirs.  I stole a comic book from a store when I was six,

but I felt so guilty that I couldn’t sleep and finally got up and confessed to my parents.

This doesn’t mean that we should ignore the problem of our children stealing.  But it does mean that we should use it as a learning experience, not as the end of the world as we know it.  Labeling them as a thief and a liar (as they deny the theft) or extreme punishment usually makes the situation worse.

When young children steal, they need to be taught.

They are still learning about possessions and ownership and what can be shared and what can’t.  They don’t have a sense of right or wrong about taking things and need to learn that.  When our pre-school child takes something, 

he needs to be taught rules he can understand, like asking for what he would like to have, not taking anything from another house without permission, always ask a grownup if you can keep something you found, and don’t pick up anything from a store unless a grownup says it’s all right.  He should be taught respect for other’s property.  He should also be taught empathy for the owner of what he has taken.  Young children don’t understand how stealing affects others.  Little children’s brains aren’t developed enough to think outside of themselves, so we can use that fact to ask how he would feel if something of his was taken.  The item needs to be returned as soon as possible and the child apologize for taking it.  If it is a toy of a playmate, our child should be put on the phone to explain to the friend that he took the toy, it is safe, and will be returned as soon as feasible.

School aged children need to be coached on how to better handle their problem that led to stealing; and they should experience the consequences of their actions.

They shouldn’t be shamed and labeled a thief and liar.  When our child steals, 

we often attribute it to bad parenting; we are ashamed, and we take it out on our child.  Instead, we need to realize that it isn’t about us, it is about faulty thinking on the part of our child as she tries to solve a problem by stealing.  The problems could be poor impulse control, not having the money to get what they want, anger, a need for attention.  They may feel unloved and thus have the right to hurt another.  It may be a cry for help when the child is facing undue stress or abuse.  We should separate the deed from the doer.  Again, no shame or physical punishment, but getting to the root of the problem that caused the stealing and helping them plan how to fix the problem, all the while showing love.  When a 10-year-old steals money from school, we can say, “I will help you figure out how to solve your problem, but I won’t solve it for you.”  We can help them figure out a better way to be liked, or how to better handle their anger.  We need to make sure we give them positive attention.  We can teach budgeting and saving for what we want.  

The stolen item needs to be returned or paid for immediately by the child.  We should never let the child keep the plunder.  Crime should never pay.

We ought to place an emphasis on honesty.  Providing our child with a less serious consequence when she tells the truth and providing plenty of praise when she is honest about her stealing helps keep the misdeed from growing.

When teens steal, the underlying problems are often more complex.  

Often stealing is filling needs the child has, with emotional basis’s.  It can come from home, school, or social stress, divorce, depression.  They may not feel others are meeting their needs, it may be peer pressure, or the need to be “cool”.  They may be buying love by stealing and giving it away.  It may be an ongoing problem with impulse control or they may be rebelling.  They might want nice items that they can’t afford.  They may be jealous, or simply seeking thrills.  Again, it usually isn’t about us, it’s about the inappropriate way our child uses to solve his problems and meet his needs.  We shouldn’t bad mouth our child, but show more love.  Help them deal with hurt feelings, or a sense of not belonging.  However, we should insist on our teen making amends to the victim.  A child who is never held accountable will never learn from his mistakes.  We should never rescue them, but allow them to experience the consequences, always showing love.  If our teen is caught stealing cars, we can say, “If you go to jail, I will love you and bring you cookies, but I will not bail you out.” 

We should also limit opportunity and temptations.  Money laying around is too tempting.  Keep your purse put away, let siblings have lock boxes to protect their treasures.  Credit card activity should be monitored frequently.

And don’t underestimate the power of old-fashioned guilt.  Barbara Staib, from the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention, says, “Screaming and yelling are just not as effective as a heartfelt ‘I’m so disappointed.’”  She says that when teens are asked why they won’t steal again, most cite things like “the loss of my parents’ trust” or “the way my grandmother looked at me.”1

Our children should know that shoplifting isn’t just taking things from a nonentity—it’s taking money from the store owners, it makes higher prices for the customers, it may lead to closing the store and laying off employees.  And they should understand that it is a crime and can lead to juvenile detention centers and even prison.  If it’s a first-time offense, some stores will accept an apology and not press charges, but not necessarily.  There is little sympathy for repeat offenders.

When is it OK to freak out?

It’s a combination of how often it occurs and how much they are stealing.  Sarah Trosper, PhD, a child psychologist says that if it’s happening constantly, if they react to being caught in a callous or unemotional way, if it goes on for an extended period or causes stress for the whole family, then the child needs outside help.1

Parents can get help from a family therapist or counselor, a family doctor, a religious leader, the school counselor, or a support group such as the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention.  There may be drugs involved, or behavior or mental issues that need to be addressed.  It’s important to tackle stealing as soon as possible to prevent the problem from getting worse.

^{1 Why Do Chldren Lie, Cheat, and Steal? Real Simple  https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/kids-parenting/why-do-children-lie}