Give your Child a Way Out

When my children were teenagers, I told them they could always use me as an excuse.  If they were invited somewhere they didn’t feel comfortable going, they could say “My mom won’t let me.”  If a party was evolving into something weird, they could say, “My mom says I have to be home by 11.”

But sometimes, it was embarrassing for them to play the Mom Card. 

Did you (or your kids) ever find yourself in a compromising situation where you felt uncomfortable but you didn’t know how to get out of it without being a spoil sport, or mocked, or excluded from the group?

I remember being a teenager (back in the Jurassic Age) with some friends one night.  We were all sitting in a circle, and someone lit a cigarette and started passing it around.  

(OK folks, this was in the 50’s, when teens didn’t do marijuana or ecstasy, or worse.)  I didn’t smoke and didn’t want to smoke, but I didn’t want to seem provincial or babyish.  I wished I wasn’t there.  Luckily, after wondering what I should do, I just took the cigarette and passed it on without comment or without using it.  After I did that, several others did too.  No social backlash.

But that wasn’t a dangerous situation.  This isn’t the 50’s anymore and the world isn’t the same.  It’s not like sneaking a smoke behind the barn.  Daily our children face things that, given one bad decision, can be fatal.

They may be at a party that has been announced on social media and crashed by some really hard-core people.  

I was on a jury once for a young man who had crashed a girl's birthday party with some friends.  A fight started as the girl’s fiance and others tried to keep them out.  This young man, in the heat of the moment and under the influence of some drugs, stabbed the fiance and killed him.  Three families’ lives ruined because of a moment’s poor decision.

They may be where someone is sexually harassing them.  They may be at a friend’s house when the parents leave, and the friend brings out some of his Dad’s beer or vodka. It may be a simple as a movie that is overly sexual or violent being shown, or the person’s ride being drunk, or just feeling uneasy about where the situation is heading.  It may be more serious, like the friend brings out his mother’s opioid pain killers.  

There may be the use of heroin or cocaine or LSD or other extremely addicting drug.  There may be a danger of rape.

Bert Fulks was working with some teens in an addiction recovery center when he asked them, “How many of you have found yourself in situations where things started happening that you weren’t comfortable with, but you stuck around, mainly because you felt like you didn’t have a way out?”

They all raised their hands.  Every single one of them.

So he came up with a plan for his own family that gives his kids a way out.  He calls it the X-Plan.¹   It’s a simple family agreement that gives teens a safe and easy way to protect themselves from uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situations while maintaining their social dignity.

The plan is explained and agreed upon by everybody in advance.  If your child feels uneasy about a situation, she can simply text the letter X.  She can send it to anyone in the family…mother, father, sister, brother.  The X is a code that says, “Give me an excuse to come home, and come and get me NOW.  

https://bertfulks.com/2017/02/23/x-plan-giving-your-kids-a-way-out-xplan/

Whoever receives the X calls your daughter (or son) back and says “Something has come up and we need you at home.  I’m coming to pick you up right now.  Be ready in five minutes (or however long it will take you to get there).  Where are you?”  The child, to save face with her friends, can ask what happened.  The family member just says, “I’ll tell you when I get there”.  

She tells her friends that something happened at home, someone is coming to get her, and she has to leave.  She can whine and complain to her friends if she wants.  If the next day if someone asks what happened, she can say, “It’s private.  I don’t want to talk about it.”  She has a way out without committing social Hari Kari. She has the freedom to protect herself while continuing to grow and learn to navigate her world.  It lovingly offers her a sense on security and confidence in difficult situations.

The hard part for us is the commitment we make that our child can share as much or as little as she wants about what happened.  “The X-Plan comes with the agreement that we will pass no judgments and ask no questions (even if he is 10 miles away from where he’s supposed to be),” Fulks explains.  “This can be a hard thing for some parents (admit it, some of us are complete control-freaks); but I promise it might not only save them, but it will go a long way in building trust between you and your kid.”  

You may feel there must be consequences for lying, or a need for explanations, but if your child fears facing you, he may not feel able to text his X when he is in danger.  His safety at this time is paramount to your sense of satisfaction.

Another place where a secret code might be helpful is for children that are being sexually (or otherwise) abused, or even bullied.  This will work for even very young children.  Sometimes it is just too shameful or hurtful for them to talk about it.  

They may be too scared or intimidated or threatened, but if you had a code word or phrase, they could alert you that something is wrong without actually having to say it.  Later as you talk with them (in private, and with an outpouring of love), they may be willing to answer, even if it is only a nod or head shake to your gentle questions.  A code phrase, word, or even the letter X is a safe and easy way to give our children a way out of potentially dangerous situations.

The X-Plan was created by Bert Fulks, founder and codirector of Empty Stone Ministry. www.bertfulks.com  https://bertfulks.com/2017/02/23/x-plan-giving-your-kids-a-way-out-xplan/