Principles of Living a Happy Life—Even With Problems

A couple of weeks ago we had a wonderful event we call Cousins’ Conference.  My sister-in-law started it over 35 years ago when she invited a few of her children’s cousins to her Palm Springs house for fun and learning.  It has evolved to the 2^nd generation of those first attendees, bringing 35-40 first and second cousins (high-school aged) from six states for 2 ½ days of workshops and speakers, activities, service project, youth panels, 

talent show, hike up Palm Canyon, swimming pool and water slide, and video creations by the kids on the theme of the conference.  It is an incredible amount of work, but as we see the teens bond and blossom as they are included and loved by their “family”, just because of who they are, it seems totally worth it.

One of our speakers this year was a good friend of mine, Brian Bascom.  Because some teens feel overwhelmed by the problems of the world and see no hope for the future, and others become so stuck in their personal tragedies that death seems the only way out, we asked him to speak on how to be happy, because he is enthusiastically happy.  I’d like to share some of the ideas from his talk, because it was powerful.  While these ideas may be helpful to teach to our teens, I think they may be more important for us as mothers.  

Even if mothers don't have the depressing problems of sickness, death, betrayal, marital problems, etc., they often get caught in a routine of physical drudgery, the constant need to discipline, loneliness, and no time for caring for oneself.  It is easy to get discouraged and feel depressed, or at least not happy and joyful.

I was one of these mothers.  There was one year that I couldn’t figure out why I was unhappy.  I had a husband who loved me and provided for the family.  We had to pinch pennies, but we had everything we really needed.  I was a stay-at-home mom, which had been my life desire.  I couldn’t think of one reason I shouldn’t be happy, but I wasn’t.  Nothing seemed fun.  I didn’t look forward to anything.  I was stuck in a rut of washing diapers (that was when we washed and folded cloth diapers), fixing meals, and cleaning up messes.

Our speaker said he had a similar experience.  He had a good job, a good wife, a lovely family, a supportive religion, friends…but he didn’t feel happy.  His unhappiness ate at him.  He didn’t know why he wasn’t happy.  One night he had a dream.  He dreamed he died.  His aunt met him and took him to Heaven.  

He was glad to find himself in Heaven, but he still felt discontent.  His aunt asked him how he was.  “Well, I’m dead.  I’m in Heaven.  But I expected I’d be happier.  I’m not very happy.”  His aunt told him that she could see that.  Then she said something that really hit him.  “If you are not happy in the world, you won’t be happy in Heaven.”  With that, he woke up.

He didn’t want to spend eternity unhappy, so he decided to be happy.  That was his first epiphany.  Happiness is a choice.  He was the only one who could make himself happy.  He decided that he had the power within himself to be happy.  He just needed to learn how.  He started reading and studying about happiness.  From a book The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D., he learned that being happy in life is a skill that can be learned.  That was his second epiphany.  It is a choice, and it is a skill.  No one is automatically happy.  You have to develop the “skill” of happiness through practicing basic principles of happiness. 

“Isn’t a life based on seeking personal happiness by nature self-centered, even self-indulgent?” asks Dr. Cutler.  Surveys tell us, he continues, that it is actually unhappy people who are more self-focused, less likely to reach out to others, less social, less helpful.  Happy people don’t think about themselves and are more open to loving and serving.

There are many skills to being happy; read on to discover seven of them that my friend suggested.

(I am not advocating this instead of needed medication.  Sometimes medication is essential.  However, even if you need depression medication, this will enhance your life and happiness.)

1.       Learn that true lasting happiness comes from within you.  It doesn’t come from outside stimulus.  I learned that during my season of depression.  We planned a trip to Hawaii.  I was excited and looking forward to it.  I thought, ‘This is what I need to be happy again.’  I enjoyed myself thoroughly while there.  But when I got home and the excitement was over, I went back to my unhappiness.  

    Outside stimulus can bring fun, pleasure, or thrills, but it is always temporary.  It is our state of mind that is the key.  We say that we need good health, or friends, or wealth, or success, but none of those can bring happiness with a mind that is filled with anger, or hate, or greed, or envy, or resentment.  And we all know that special disabled person who is ill or in pain, who brings joy and comfort to those who visit her, or the successful Hollywood personality who commits suicide, or the wealthy person who just can’t seem to buy happiness.  I had a son who was always wanting to buy things that to us were expensive.  Once he wanted a 5-inch personal portable TV.  He worked and earned and saved until he could buy it.  I never saw it again.  After getting it, it didn’t mean anything to him.

“So,” said the Dalai Lama, “in terms of our enjoying a happy day-to-day existence, the greater the level of calmness of our mind rooted in affection and compassion, the greater our peace of mind, the greater our ability to enjoy a happy and joyful life,” even if the external sources of happiness are lacking.

What can you do to calm your mind and find internal peace?

2.       Cultivate gratitude.  Gratitude is a basis of Godly qualities.  Regularly acknowledge all the good in your life; recognize it, write it, say it, be thankful for it.  Happiness comes not in having what we want, but in wanting and appreciating what we have.  

    Christopher Reeve, after suffering a spinal cord injury that left him paralyzed from the neck down, needing a machine to even breathe, said that after the initial despair passed, he was “still troubled by intermittent jealousy by another’s innocent passing remark such as, ‘I’m just gonna run upstairs and get something.’

“I realized that the only way to go through life it to look at your assets, to see what you can still do; in my case, fortunately I didn’t have any brain injury, so I still have a mind I can use.”

What are you going to do to acknowledge your gratitude?

3.       Get rid of mental poisons.  Hate, anger, conflict and jealousy are all toxic thoughts and emotions.  They drive away happiness and lead to misery.  It isn’t wrong to have such thoughts, but it is dangerous to wallow in them.  We can learn to replace them with forgiveness, understanding, and love.  Identify why you are angry, and then figure out what you can replace that anger with.  

   “Cultivating positive mental states like kindness and compassion definitely leads to better mental health and happiness,” said the Dalai Lama.

I have a natural tendency to judge others, to be critical of them and what they do.  I have worked hard to overcome that tendency and replace the judgement with love.  It has taken decades, but now my first impression of others is love and compassion instead of judgement.

When are you going to start replacing anger and hate with kindness and compassion?

4.       Money, fame, power, popularity, sex, social media followers, and material accumulations can relieve some stress and bring temporary pleasure, but those who seek these things will never find lasting happiness.    If gaining them becomes the focus of our life, it leads to heartache.  They will never have “enough”.   They will always want more.  One of the happiest people I knew was Marguerite, a single woman with schizophrenia who lived on social security in a group home.  Her family was unsupportive.  After paying for her room and board she only had $130 a month left for personal items, entertainment, etc.  Her greatest happiness was buying or making little gifts for others.  She often said she had everything she wanted and didn’t know why she was so blessed. 

Happiness that depends on physical pleasure is unstable; one day it’s there, the next day it may not be.  External things can bring pleasure but will not bring lasting happiness nor peace.  In fact, sometimes we may have to sacrifice our pleasure by making the difficult “right choice” that will lead to true happiness.

Are you confusing pleasure with happiness?

5.       Build strong loving relationships with family and friends.  To paraphrase President John F. Kennedy, “…ask not what [your family or friends] can do for you—ask what you can do for [another].”  

    
    Seek to serve, not be served.  “Scientists are discovering,” says Dr. Cutler, “that those who lack close social ties seem to suffer from poor health, higher levels of unhappiness, and a greater vulnerability to stress.”  

    Being an Air Force brat and moving often, and shy to boot, I have always found it difficult to make friends.  But the more I develop relationships with my neighbors, with fellow church members, and of course taking the time and effort to spend time with my children and get to know my grandchildren (who all live in other states), the happier I am.

Who do you want a better relationship with, and how can you build it?

6.       Cultivate meaningful activities.  Be creative.  Have a purpose in life.  Our purpose, or motivation, is usually based on love, compassion, and sharing.  These come from our deeper beliefs.  Filling that purpose fills our souls with happiness.  It might be in creating beauty, in making a difference in someone's life, in building strong relationships, in filling some community necessity, in being your best person.  It might be raising your family to the best of your ability.  It might be to invent something that will bless the world, or heal the world, or bring peace to the world, or maybe just to your neighborhood.  My purpose in these blogs is to share my experience, faith, hope, and learning with other mothers in order to help them be the best they can be.  Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The purpose of life… is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

What is your purpose in life?

7.       Know that you have an innate value, an inner worth.  For me, my innate value comes from the belief that I am a child of God.  For the Dalai Lama, it is being a human being within the human community.  “That human bond is enough to give rise to a sense of worth and dignity.”  He says it is human warmth and affection and a feeling of compassion that develops an inner sense of worth.”
   

   

Those with high self-esteem feel they are worthy of a good life, while those with poor self-esteem feel of no value, and can even sabotage the good things in their life because they don’t feel worthy of happiness.  Become your own personal cheerleader.

How can you recognize your innate value?

As you choose to learn the skills that lead to happiness, you will help your children move toward happiness, and they can emulate those same skills for themselves.