What Type of Parent are You?

What is your parenting style?

Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, divided parenting into 3 types. Baumrind studied preschoolers and realized that they exhibited three types of behavior and decided to study their families.  She found that the children’s behaviors correlated with the type of parenting the children had.  The three types of parenting she found were Authoritarian, Permissive, and Authoritative.  They are divided by the amount of demands or control the parents require, and the amount of responsiveness or warmth the parents give.

Remember the dad (Danny DeVito) in the movie Matilda?  “I’m smart, you’re dumb; I’m big, you’re little; I’m right, you’re wrong, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”  That’s authoritarian.

The authoritarian mother has high expectations for her child and is very critical with mistakes.  She expects strict compliance with her rules.  “Why?  Because I said so!”  She spends little time teaching her child how to make better choices.  Her children aren’t allowed to get involved in solving challenges or obstacles, because she is always right and the child should be submissive.  There is no room for negotiation or explanations.  The child’s emotions are repressed.  The authoritarian mom believes in tough love; she often has a short fuse and is quick to punish.  She wants to make her child feel sorry he “was bad.”

The permissive mother is very loving, the child’s best friend.  She wants to avoid confrontation and contention.  Her child has equal say in family dynamics and she encourages give and take.  She is warm, indulgent, lenient and lets the child do whatever he wants, setting rules but rarely enforcing them.  She doesn’t set consequences often, and when she does, she is quite forgiving and lets them out of the consequences if they beg and promise to be good.  She uses manipulative control tactics such as bribery and praise.  She believes her child will learn best with little interference from her.  She believes in unconditional love with no consequences.

The authoritative mother also has high expectations and is often more strict than the authoritarian parent, but there are fewer rules and the rules are clear and consistent.  She listens to input from her children, respects their opinion, and is supportive and responsive.  She validates her children’s feelings.  She offers help for mistakes instead of punishment.  She uses positive discipline strategies, like praise and rewards, to prevent behavior problems and reinforce good behavior.  She values her child’s independence, yet makes it clear that the adults are in charge.   She has a balance between tough and unconditional love.

Child psychologists have added a fourth type, the Neglectful or Uninvolved parent.  One of my son’s has adopted four children that were raised by a neglectful mother (absent father).  The neglectful parent is cold and unresponsive, without love and nurture.  They are uninvolved in the child’s life.  There are no rules or randomly changing rules made up on the spot.  Two sisters my son and his wife adopted were 18 months and 3 months old.  The 18-month-old was the caregiver for the 3-month-old, because the mother was totally indifferent.  Neglectful parents expect children to raise themselves without parental attention.

                                         Photo by binu kumar

Of course we aren’t fixed in only one type—we vary from day to day and year to year or in different areas.  Sometimes we are more permissive and other times when we tend to be authoritarian.   If we get depressed or overwhelmed, we may become neglectful.  Most of us are more authoritarian with our older children and more permissive with our younger children.  The older ones feel this is totally unfair that the younger ones are getting away with everything. 

So what behavior did Baumrind see in her preschoolers that resulted from these types of parenting?

Children raised by authoritarians are either high achievers or rebellious.  They are often dishonest and hide behaviors to protect themselves from punishment, either lying about what happened or blaming others.  They only obey when observed with no desire to obey when they won’t be found out. They have low-self-esteem because their opinions aren’t valued.  They tend to have lower grades, and poorer social skills.  They may become hostile or aggressive, focusing on the anger they feel towards those in authority rather than about how to do things better in the future.  They are more likely to have mental illness, drug and alcohol abuse, and delinquency. 

Children raised by permissive parents are very self-centered and don’t like authority and rules.  The world revolves around them.  They have impulsive behavior, not thinking of consequences.  They also have poor social skills and problematic relationships.  They have low self-esteem and report a lot of sadness.¹   Because permissive parents don’t enforce good habits like limiting junk food or brushing teeth or regular bedtime, they are more likely to be fat, have cavities, and always be tired.

Children raised by neglectful parents have low self-esteem because their parents don’t value them.  They don’t do well in school and aren’t very happy.  They are likely to struggle with impulsive behavior, drug and alcohol abuse, delinquency, and suicides.

Children raised by authoritative parents are usually happy and successful.  They have higher academic performance, more self-esteem, better social skills, less mental illness, and lower delinquency.  They have good problem solving and decision-making skills, are comfortable in expressing their opinions, and can evaluate safety risks on their own.  “According to Diana Baumrind’s studies, and many parenting studies made since then, authoritative parenting is the parenting style that has been most consistent terms of being associated with positive outcomes for children.”¹  Children with authoritative parents are more likely to become responsible adults.  These are the results we want in our children.

How do we become authoritative parents?  Stay tuned to part 2, arriving June 1 here at https://californiaamericanmothers.blogspot.com/

1. Positive-parenting-ally.com 12 Different Types of Parenting Styles and Child Discipline Strategies)