Give your Child a Way Out

When my children were teenagers, I told them they could always use me as an excuse.  If they were invited somewhere they didn’t feel comfortable going, they could say “My mom won’t let me.”  If a party was evolving into something weird, they could say, “My mom says I have to be home by 11.”

But sometimes, it was embarrassing for them to play the Mom Card. 

Did you (or your kids) ever find yourself in a compromising situation where you felt uncomfortable but you didn’t know how to get out of it without being a spoil sport, or mocked, or excluded from the group?

I remember being a teenager (back in the Jurassic Age) with some friends one night.  We were all sitting in a circle, and someone lit a cigarette and started passing it around.  

(OK folks, this was in the 50’s, when teens didn’t do marijuana or ecstasy, or worse.)  I didn’t smoke and didn’t want to smoke, but I didn’t want to seem provincial or babyish.  I wished I wasn’t there.  Luckily, after wondering what I should do, I just took the cigarette and passed it on without comment or without using it.  After I did that, several others did too.  No social backlash.

But that wasn’t a dangerous situation.  This isn’t the 50’s anymore and the world isn’t the same.  It’s not like sneaking a smoke behind the barn.  Daily our children face things that, given one bad decision, can be fatal.

They may be at a party that has been announced on social media and crashed by some really hard-core people.  

I was on a jury once for a young man who had crashed a girl's birthday party with some friends.  A fight started as the girl’s fiance and others tried to keep them out.  This young man, in the heat of the moment and under the influence of some drugs, stabbed the fiance and killed him.  Three families’ lives ruined because of a moment’s poor decision.

They may be where someone is sexually harassing them.  They may be at a friend’s house when the parents leave, and the friend brings out some of his Dad’s beer or vodka. It may be a simple as a movie that is overly sexual or violent being shown, or the person’s ride being drunk, or just feeling uneasy about where the situation is heading.  It may be more serious, like the friend brings out his mother’s opioid pain killers.  

There may be the use of heroin or cocaine or LSD or other extremely addicting drug.  There may be a danger of rape.

Bert Fulks was working with some teens in an addiction recovery center when he asked them, “How many of you have found yourself in situations where things started happening that you weren’t comfortable with, but you stuck around, mainly because you felt like you didn’t have a way out?”

They all raised their hands.  Every single one of them.

So he came up with a plan for his own family that gives his kids a way out.  He calls it the X-Plan.¹   It’s a simple family agreement that gives teens a safe and easy way to protect themselves from uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situations while maintaining their social dignity.

The plan is explained and agreed upon by everybody in advance.  If your child feels uneasy about a situation, she can simply text the letter X.  She can send it to anyone in the family…mother, father, sister, brother.  The X is a code that says, “Give me an excuse to come home, and come and get me NOW.  

https://bertfulks.com/2017/02/23/x-plan-giving-your-kids-a-way-out-xplan/

Whoever receives the X calls your daughter (or son) back and says “Something has come up and we need you at home.  I’m coming to pick you up right now.  Be ready in five minutes (or however long it will take you to get there).  Where are you?”  The child, to save face with her friends, can ask what happened.  The family member just says, “I’ll tell you when I get there”.  

She tells her friends that something happened at home, someone is coming to get her, and she has to leave.  She can whine and complain to her friends if she wants.  If the next day if someone asks what happened, she can say, “It’s private.  I don’t want to talk about it.”  She has a way out without committing social Hari Kari. She has the freedom to protect herself while continuing to grow and learn to navigate her world.  It lovingly offers her a sense on security and confidence in difficult situations.

The hard part for us is the commitment we make that our child can share as much or as little as she wants about what happened.  “The X-Plan comes with the agreement that we will pass no judgments and ask no questions (even if he is 10 miles away from where he’s supposed to be),” Fulks explains.  “This can be a hard thing for some parents (admit it, some of us are complete control-freaks); but I promise it might not only save them, but it will go a long way in building trust between you and your kid.”  

You may feel there must be consequences for lying, or a need for explanations, but if your child fears facing you, he may not feel able to text his X when he is in danger.  His safety at this time is paramount to your sense of satisfaction.

Another place where a secret code might be helpful is for children that are being sexually (or otherwise) abused, or even bullied.  This will work for even very young children.  Sometimes it is just too shameful or hurtful for them to talk about it.  

They may be too scared or intimidated or threatened, but if you had a code word or phrase, they could alert you that something is wrong without actually having to say it.  Later as you talk with them (in private, and with an outpouring of love), they may be willing to answer, even if it is only a nod or head shake to your gentle questions.  A code phrase, word, or even the letter X is a safe and easy way to give our children a way out of potentially dangerous situations.

The X-Plan was created by Bert Fulks, founder and codirector of Empty Stone Ministry. www.bertfulks.com  https://bertfulks.com/2017/02/23/x-plan-giving-your-kids-a-way-out-xplan/

My Child is a Thief!

When my oldest daughter was seven, she suddenly had two beautiful rhinestone dog collars. 

We didn’t have a dog.  

She reluctantly admitted that she had stopped in the pet store on the way home from school and taken the dog collars because they were so pretty.  We made her take them back and confess to the owner that she had taken them.  About two weeks later, she had a little castle for her fish bowl.  She insisted that she had paid for it.  But it finally came out that she had taken money from my purse to pay for it.  I was sure that I had a child delinquent, a hardened thief who would grow from stealing dog collars to stealing cars.  I totally over reacted.

After several more of my kids passed the age of seven, I found that all of them went through a stage of taking things that weren’t theirs.  I stole a comic book from a store when I was six,

but I felt so guilty that I couldn’t sleep and finally got up and confessed to my parents.

This doesn’t mean that we should ignore the problem of our children stealing.  But it does mean that we should use it as a learning experience, not as the end of the world as we know it.  Labeling them as a thief and a liar (as they deny the theft) or extreme punishment usually makes the situation worse.

When young children steal, they need to be taught.

They are still learning about possessions and ownership and what can be shared and what can’t.  They don’t have a sense of right or wrong about taking things and need to learn that.  When our pre-school child takes something, 

he needs to be taught rules he can understand, like asking for what he would like to have, not taking anything from another house without permission, always ask a grownup if you can keep something you found, and don’t pick up anything from a store unless a grownup says it’s all right.  He should be taught respect for other’s property.  He should also be taught empathy for the owner of what he has taken.  Young children don’t understand how stealing affects others.  Little children’s brains aren’t developed enough to think outside of themselves, so we can use that fact to ask how he would feel if something of his was taken.  The item needs to be returned as soon as possible and the child apologize for taking it.  If it is a toy of a playmate, our child should be put on the phone to explain to the friend that he took the toy, it is safe, and will be returned as soon as feasible.

School aged children need to be coached on how to better handle their problem that led to stealing; and they should experience the consequences of their actions.

They shouldn’t be shamed and labeled a thief and liar.  When our child steals, 

we often attribute it to bad parenting; we are ashamed, and we take it out on our child.  Instead, we need to realize that it isn’t about us, it is about faulty thinking on the part of our child as she tries to solve a problem by stealing.  The problems could be poor impulse control, not having the money to get what they want, anger, a need for attention.  They may feel unloved and thus have the right to hurt another.  It may be a cry for help when the child is facing undue stress or abuse.  We should separate the deed from the doer.  Again, no shame or physical punishment, but getting to the root of the problem that caused the stealing and helping them plan how to fix the problem, all the while showing love.  When a 10-year-old steals money from school, we can say, “I will help you figure out how to solve your problem, but I won’t solve it for you.”  We can help them figure out a better way to be liked, or how to better handle their anger.  We need to make sure we give them positive attention.  We can teach budgeting and saving for what we want.  

The stolen item needs to be returned or paid for immediately by the child.  We should never let the child keep the plunder.  Crime should never pay.

We ought to place an emphasis on honesty.  Providing our child with a less serious consequence when she tells the truth and providing plenty of praise when she is honest about her stealing helps keep the misdeed from growing.

When teens steal, the underlying problems are often more complex.  

Often stealing is filling needs the child has, with emotional basis’s.  It can come from home, school, or social stress, divorce, depression.  They may not feel others are meeting their needs, it may be peer pressure, or the need to be “cool”.  They may be buying love by stealing and giving it away.  It may be an ongoing problem with impulse control or they may be rebelling.  They might want nice items that they can’t afford.  They may be jealous, or simply seeking thrills.  Again, it usually isn’t about us, it’s about the inappropriate way our child uses to solve his problems and meet his needs.  We shouldn’t bad mouth our child, but show more love.  Help them deal with hurt feelings, or a sense of not belonging.  However, we should insist on our teen making amends to the victim.  A child who is never held accountable will never learn from his mistakes.  We should never rescue them, but allow them to experience the consequences, always showing love.  If our teen is caught stealing cars, we can say, “If you go to jail, I will love you and bring you cookies, but I will not bail you out.” 

We should also limit opportunity and temptations.  Money laying around is too tempting.  Keep your purse put away, let siblings have lock boxes to protect their treasures.  Credit card activity should be monitored frequently.

And don’t underestimate the power of old-fashioned guilt.  Barbara Staib, from the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention, says, “Screaming and yelling are just not as effective as a heartfelt ‘I’m so disappointed.’”  She says that when teens are asked why they won’t steal again, most cite things like “the loss of my parents’ trust” or “the way my grandmother looked at me.”1

Our children should know that shoplifting isn’t just taking things from a nonentity—it’s taking money from the store owners, it makes higher prices for the customers, it may lead to closing the store and laying off employees.  And they should understand that it is a crime and can lead to juvenile detention centers and even prison.  If it’s a first-time offense, some stores will accept an apology and not press charges, but not necessarily.  There is little sympathy for repeat offenders.

When is it OK to freak out?

It’s a combination of how often it occurs and how much they are stealing.  Sarah Trosper, PhD, a child psychologist says that if it’s happening constantly, if they react to being caught in a callous or unemotional way, if it goes on for an extended period or causes stress for the whole family, then the child needs outside help.1

Parents can get help from a family therapist or counselor, a family doctor, a religious leader, the school counselor, or a support group such as the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention.  There may be drugs involved, or behavior or mental issues that need to be addressed.  It’s important to tackle stealing as soon as possible to prevent the problem from getting worse.

^{1 Why Do Chldren Lie, Cheat, and Steal? Real Simple  https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/kids-parenting/why-do-children-lie}