Taking Care of Mommy

My husband has Parkinson’s Disease (he’s doing very well, thank you for asking).  As his caregiver, I received a little booklet called Heart Wide Open, Self-care for Caregivers by Sandi Kimmel and Patrick Murphy (hospice volunteers).  It has been helpful.  

After visiting two of my children and their families this holiday season, I realized that mothers are caregivers too.  Some of you are even in a sandwich situation, caring for both parents and children.  The ideas and much of the verbiage in this blog are from this booklet. 

Being a caregiver (aka Mom) is stressful work and is often accompanied by feelings of sadness, resentment, anger, frustration, self-doubt and grief.   We as mothers experience any or all of these feelings accompanied by guilt for feeling that way.  

It’s important to learn ways to manage these feelings so that we don’t put our own health at risk.  Here are some of their suggestions that apply to mothers.  This is not meant to add more stress to your life.  Don’t feel you have to do them all at once, or even ever.  Read through the list and choose one or two that you feel would be helpful.  When your needs change, chose another one to do.

1.       Call for support.  Join a Mother’s Group.  Make friends of other mothers.  Ask for advice on social media.  Reach out to your own mother if you feel she’d be supportive.  Surround yourself with energy givers, and avoid energy sappers when you feel depleted.

2.       Build in quiet time for yourself.  You may not be able to take a 3-week cruise, but make little bits of time available for yourself.  It might be taking time to read the funnies, or going outside to enjoy a sunset, or do an exercise video.  Even 15 min. of deep breathing and relaxing can be helpful.  There is a reason the airlines tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.  You cannot give what you don’t have.

3.       Enjoy nature.  Go outside when you can.  Garden if you enjoy that.  Keep the window shade up.  If nothing else, have a plant in the house, or watch a nature DVD or browse a soothing picture book of nature’s beauties.

4.       Pet something furry.  It has positive physiological effects on the body, lowering stress and reducing anxiety.  Kids have stuffed animals and blankies.  If you don’t have a pet of your own, borrow a friend’s for some pet therapy or find some substitute.

5.       Plan ahead and write it down.  Having lists helps you from feeling overloaded and overwhelmed, as it gets the work out of your head and on your paper.  Remember to plan something enjoyable for yourself in pockets of open time.

6.       Get creative.  Write, paint, cook, sing, dance, sculpt, plant, imagine, design, craft.  It doesn’t matter if what you create is an epic failure.  It is the process, not the end result.  When you allow yourself to be absorbed in a creative venture, the stresses and strains of everyday life fade away.  Retire the inner critic and doodle, noodle, and nod.

7.       Begin a spiritual practice.  Meditation, prayer, singing hymns, scripture study, contemplation, yoga and tai chi help you hear the “small still voice within.”

8.       Take a walk.  Stretch your legs at least once an hour.  If you have stairs, go up and down them.  If possible, walk outside.  Pay attention to the trees, the flowers, the heat of the sun, the cool of the breeze, the frost in the air; all the details.  Let the blood circulate and your mind calm.

9.       Soak in the tub.  Settle the kids (or get someone to watch them), turn off your smart phone, close the door and soak in a long, luxurious bath.  Give yourself enough time to unwind both body and mind.  Breathe in the warmth and scent; breathe out the stress and fatigue.

10.   Eat chocolate.  The flavonoids in dark chocolate are good for your heart, reducing the stickiness of platelets and lowering the danger of coronary artery blockages.  Plus, it contains antioxidants.  So indulge a little, occasionally.

11.   We need lots of hugs every day to stay healthy, scientists agree.  So hug your kids often.  Hug your hubby.  And if those aren’t available (standoffish teen, traveling husband) or aren’t enough, give yourself an angel hug.  First, rub your palms together.  Place your right hand on your heart center in the middle of your chest and place your left hand on your solar plexus about two inches below your right hand.  Close your eyes and breathe.  Feel the warmth of your hands, the weight of your hands, your connection to your innermost self, and your connection to the entire Universe.  Ahhh…

12.   Ask.  Delegate.  Receive.  You receive no medals for doing it all yourself.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and don’t be afraid to accept it. I remember offering to do the wash for a sister-in-law when she had a new baby.  She didn’t trust me to do it her way.  Receive help, even if it is different than the way you’d do it.  Realize that it doesn’t have to be done your way.  Then gently breathe a sigh of relief as you let it go.

13.   Use music.  Music can soothe whatever ails you.  It helps express feelings, even those beyond words.  You can use it to help relieve sadness or stress, or to lift your spirits and change your mood.  As a teen, I would play bitter-sweet music when I was feeling teen angst.  You can choose up beat music to cheer you, or sad music to empathize with you and express how you feel.

14.   Play.  There’s a big difference between being child-like and child-ish.  Child-like is not taking yourself so seriously.  Watch a funny movie.  Play on the floor with your children.  Join in a game of tag or soccer or horse on the front lawn. Change up what you do, the order in which you do it, skip, jump, giggle, enjoy.

15.   Write on.  Keeping a journal is a good way to release some of the feelings that usually stay bottled up inside.  Write honestly for your eyes only and don’t worry about grammar or spelling of penmanship.  Getting it down on paper keeps it from festering inside.

16.   Give yourself a faith lift.  In times of challenge, it’s easy to lose your anchor and feel tossed about by change and fear.  Re-reading a favorite spiritual passage, recalling moments of deep connection, or even simply lifting your heart to the Divine can lift your faith.  Support, understanding and love surround you, waiting only for you to notice.

17.   Let go.  In your solitary place, let go of holding the feelings back.  When my son killed himself, I got in the car where no one could hear me and just wailed.  One of my daughters goes in the pantry to cry.  I used to walk up and down the street crying when tensions with my teens got too deep.  Let go of the breath you’re holding.  Let yourself cry.  Let go of your expectations.  Let events unfold without judging the outcome as good or bad.  Soften your grip on how you want it to be and find your way to accepting how it is.  Exhale.

Giving care helps grow our hearts, expands our joys, develops our ability to love.  But sometimes it can be hard.  So take care of yourself so you can take care of your family.