If you find yourself being the fund-raiser chairman for the PTA, in charge of sewing costumes for the school play, agreeing to bake 100 potatoes for a church dinner, making hand-drawn invitations for a friend’s shower “because you’re so artistic”, hosting your husband’s work party, cleaning up after your teenagers have friends over, and taking care of all the family pets, taking orders for dinner, you might be a girl who can’t say no.
Although the delightful song from Oklahoma was about Annie’s relationship with men, sometimes we as
women find we can’t say “no” to demands on us.
We want to make everyone happy.
We want to please people, sometimes to our own detriment.
Most of my life I have been a people-pleaser. What’s wrong with that? We are taught from childhood to do what we
are told, to be kind, to think of others, to help others. But people pleasing is a dark side of kindness.
When I am pleasing people, I’m not thinking of them, I am
thinking of what they think of me. Being
attached to pleasing others is really selfish, because it is about me. I am the one who wants to be liked. I am the one who doesn’t want anyone to be
upset at me. I am the one who wants to
look good for others. I am the one
protecting myself from confrontation. I
am the one hiding who I really am.
The intense need to please and care for others is often rooted
in a fear of rejection. If we don’t do
everything we can to make that person happy, they may not like/love us anymore. Other times it is a fear of failure. We don’t want to disappoint others, or even
be punished.
When we people-please, it means we are insecure in our own
value and we need someone else to like us so we feel of worth. Our egos love to be liked, approved and
validated.
It is natural to want to fit in and not “upset others” because it feels safer. If we feel criticized, not liked, mocked, think we’ve upset a friend, or, on the other hand, are praised for doing what someone else wants, it is easy to develop people-pleasing as a bad habit. And it does have some bad side effects
It is natural to want to fit in and not “upset others” because it feels safer. If we feel criticized, not liked, mocked, think we’ve upset a friend, or, on the other hand, are praised for doing what someone else wants, it is easy to develop people-pleasing as a bad habit. And it does have some bad side effects
We feel pressured to do things that are bad for us, things we
don’t want to do. We become a doormat,
doing whatever the other person says, whether we think it’s a good idea or
not. We become victims and “used” by our
so-called friends or our family. It
always revolves around them, what they want, and not what we want. Life becomes stressful and depressing. We aren’t ever able to express our feelings,
so the bottle up and build. We never
learn that we can say no if it’s not good for us, or if it’s not what we want.
We also feel pressured to do things that are bad for others. If they want us to join them in doing
something harmful, we don’t care enough for them to help protect them from
themselves. We only want them to like
us, so we go along with it. We think it
is caring for them, but it’s not. It’s
caring for ourselves and our image in their eyes. If we truly cared about them, we would help
them be their best selves, not enable their worst selves. This is especially true in being a
mother. Mother’s want their children to
like them, but to help our children grow, we need to have them do things they
don’t want to do (eat healthily, learn to work, study, save, etc.) I had to learn that helping my child grow and
develop into his best self was more important than whether he was upset with me
or not. (One 5-year-old daughter told me
I was like Cinderella’s wicked stepmother when I gave her chores.
Another rebellious daughter in college told me she hated me and I was the worst mother in the world, because I was trying to control her negative behavior.)
Another rebellious daughter in college told me she hated me and I was the worst mother in the world, because I was trying to control her negative behavior.)
We hide our emotions and don’t admit when our feelings are
hurt. I never talked back to my mother,
but I remember “thinking” what I would say if I dared. I’d fix her with a lethal glare and rage
inside as she lectured me. But I never
said a word. When Keith and I were first
married, I never wanted to tell him the things that he did that made me unhappy,
because I didn’t want to hurt him. And
so they just festered in me and made me more unhappy. When I finally learned to be honest about my
feelings, we eventually developed a more solid and authentic relationship. I found it is possible to express negative
feelings in a way that is respectful and kind.
We don’t need to be brats and rant and rage, we can carefully explain
our point of view without belittling the views of others. Denying that we’re angry, sad, embarrassed,
or disappointed—even when we’re emotionally wounded—keeps a relationship
superficial.
One of my daughters grew up
as a people-pleaser and never expressed her own opinion or a negative
emotion. When she became a young adult,
it had built up so much anger and grief in her, that she started drinking, and
when she was drunk, all that rage and hatred and stress came out in terrible
rants.
She became suicidal. Luckily, she learned to express her feelings and stand up for herself so those terrible feelings didn’t build up in her, and she doesn’t feel the need to get drunk or kill herself anymore and has a solid relationships with others.
She became suicidal. Luckily, she learned to express her feelings and stand up for herself so those terrible feelings didn’t build up in her, and she doesn’t feel the need to get drunk or kill herself anymore and has a solid relationships with others.
Another of my daughters, on the other hand, couldn’t care less
about what others think of her. She
dresses how she wants even if it isn’t in style. She doesn’t feel the need to do things the
way her friends do. She is confident in
herself and does her own thing (sometimes embarrassing her sisters when they
were teens). She is carefree and happy. She has many projects on her agenda, but they
are ones she chooses to do. It’s not that she doesn’t care about other people,
she can be very warm and caring. She just doesn’t care if others approve of her
or not. She is a God-pleaser, not a
people-pleaser.
Sometimes we are people-pleasers in one situation and not in
others. My mother, maybe because she was
raised in poverty and was sensitive to being mocked for it, was very much
invested in appearances. She made sure
that she looked her best, that we as her children looked and behaved our best,
and that we put on a good front. But she
wasn’t a people-pleaser to us as her family.
We had to toe the line.
A wife who has a critical husband may become a people-pleaser
to him Others may be able to say no to
social obligations but let their children run all over them. Others may neglect their families because of
too many community or school obligations.
A teen may never think of pleasing her mother, but be all about pleasing
her peers.
So, is it bad to help organizations, husbands, children,
friends, neighbors?What is the
difference between being a people-pleaser and just being a good caring person?
I think mostly it is how you feel about it. Are you saying yes because of love, or
because you are afraid they will be mad?
Will saying yes keep you from meeting your own basic needs: sleep,
exercise, spending time with your family, doing things you want to do? Does saying yes make you feel resentful, put
down, used? Are you afraid to express
your own feelings, wants and desires? Are
you suppressing tons of emotions such as grief, annoyance, rage, stress, even
hatred? Are you afraid that if you don’t
do what they say, they will think less of you, that they might not care for you
or even leave you? Do you feel pressured
to do something that will hurt you or others, maybe something dishonest or
immoral? Will doing this make you exhausted
and depleted? Do you spend hours on your
hair, make-up, clothes, or home so others will approve of you? Then it is probably people-pleasing.
How do we teach our children to be kind, thoughtful, obedient, considerate, and helpful and not turn them into people-pleasers? Nice-training is necessary, but we need to learn and to teach them that "niceness" should be balanced with limits and boundaries and self-care. This is especially true of teen-aged girls and their boyfriends. They are so insecure that they will do whatever the boy wants so he will like her, whether she enjoys it or not. They "love" him as far as they have learned to love, and will do anything to please him. This is where it is very important for them to have set boundaries before they get that boyfriend. They should have their values firmly in place and understand that they can have friends, even boyfriends, and still say no if it's not right for them.
Teen-aged boys have a similar problem with their peers and are easily pressured to do things they know aren't wise. They too want to fit in with the crowd. Both boys and girls need to understand their own value and learn their boundaries.
How do we teach our children to be kind, thoughtful, obedient, considerate, and helpful and not turn them into people-pleasers? Nice-training is necessary, but we need to learn and to teach them that "niceness" should be balanced with limits and boundaries and self-care. This is especially true of teen-aged girls and their boyfriends. They are so insecure that they will do whatever the boy wants so he will like her, whether she enjoys it or not. They "love" him as far as they have learned to love, and will do anything to please him. This is where it is very important for them to have set boundaries before they get that boyfriend. They should have their values firmly in place and understand that they can have friends, even boyfriends, and still say no if it's not right for them.
Teen-aged boys have a similar problem with their peers and are easily pressured to do things they know aren't wise. They too want to fit in with the crowd. Both boys and girls need to understand their own value and learn their boundaries.
If you are willing to consider that you might be a people-pleaser, what should you do?
People
pleasing can be more than just a bad habit.
It can become a way of life.
Stopping takes patience and small steps.
Here are some suggestions by Claire Hodgson in 5 Tips to Help You Stop
Being a People Pleaser1:
“One of the most freeing things we learn in life is that we
don’t have to like everyone, everyone doesn’t have to like us, and it’s
perfectly okay.” ~Unknown
Make peace with the fact that you can’t make everyone happy,
and not everyone is going to like you, and that is absolutely okay. Say it out loud for practice. “So and so doesn’t like me, and that’s absolutely
okay.” Say it again, as many times as
necessary. As people-pleasers, our main
drive has been to do everything we can to make someone/everyone like us. This usually comes from a place of low
self-esteem. When others don’t like us, we
feel there must be something wrong with us.
It ain’t necessarily so. Maybe
something is wrong with them.
Start setting some boundaries.
Find somewhere quiet and list all the things that you’ve done over the
past 3 – 6 months that you didn’t want to do.
Go through your list and write down why you didn’t want to do each
thing. You will probably notice some
recurring themes: it cut into my time with my family, it made me too tired, it
wasn’t something I was comfortable doing because… From this you can chose which boundaries you
can live with. I will not accept
anything that compromises my values. I
will put my family first. I will make
time to renew my energies. Etc.
Learn to say no, gently but firmly without excuses. Excuses open the door for the other person to argue and negotiate. When pressured to change your mind, you can say, “That may be true, but nevertheless, the answer is no.” Repeat as many times as necessary. No arguing, just stating. If you do want to say yes, set limits. “I will help you move for three hours Saturday.” “I will draw up a design for your invitations, but I won’t make them all.” You can be in charge of what you will and won’t do.
Accept that you will probably feel guilty the first few times
you say no. This has been your life, and
guilt will follow. Concentrate on the
freedom. Don’t second guess yourself.
Let go of people that use you and don’t really care about you
at all. Energy suckers, bullies,
narcissists, and other wounded people are drawn to you. Having weak boundaries, low self-esteem and
the desire to please makes you the perfect “use and abuse” target. If they are family members and you can’t
leave them, at least distance yourself from them. Realize that you like feeling needed and
wanted, so you tend to unwittingly continue the toxic cycle.
“Unfortunately, this desire to be loved and approved often
backfires, making you feel lonelier and more disconnected as time goes on. Keeping so much locked inside of you for fear
of being disapproved of makes you extremely guarded. Eventually, you wind up feeling “invisible”
and “unseen,” even if you are constantly in the spotlight.”2
If you are a people-pleaser, have the courage to stop fearing
what other people think of you. Be
self-honoring instead. “You are healing
when you can help with enthusiasm rather than exhaustion, when helping spills
over from the contents of your overflowing cup, not when you are scraping the
last sorry drops from the bottom of your almost-empty cup, when helping carries
out the purpose YOU have decided is yours, not other people’s agendas and
demands, when YOU decide the best way for you to contribute, when you decide
who and when and how. When you are in
charge of your own life.”3
And the interesting thing is that the more you are your true
self, the more pleasing you will be to other people.
1. 5 Tips to Help You Stop Being a People
Pleaser by Claire Hodgson
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/
2. People-Pleasing: The Hidden Dangers of Always Being "Too Nice" by Aletheia Luna
https://lonewolf.com/people-pleasing/
3. People Pleasing Versus Helping People: How to Tell the Difference by Anni
https://www.solutionstoallyourproblems.com/people-pleasing-versus-helping-people
2. People-Pleasing: The Hidden Dangers of Always Being "Too Nice" by Aletheia Luna
https://lonewolf.com/people-pleasing/
3. People Pleasing Versus Helping People: How to Tell the Difference by Anni
https://www.solutionstoallyourproblems.com/people-pleasing-versus-helping-people
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